Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Advice for a friend!

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Advice for a friend!
Disenchanted88
Neophyte
Member # 35635

Icon 4 posted      Profile for Disenchanted88     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I have been talking to my best friend and she has been telling me that she has not been feeling very good lately.

She has been with her boyfriend for almost a year now, she does a lot of stuff for him, from cooking to doing the cleaning, and sometimes she feels that these things arent appreciated by him.

The strange thing is, she says that when she is with him, things are fine, they have a fun but when they are apart she gets this strong feeling that she doesnt want to be around him and doesnt want to see him.

They have argument lately over things, sometimes small but they seem to be increasing.

She doesnt know why she feels like this, she says she sometimes thinks of breaking up bit knows that if she did she would feel horrible for a long time because she does love him.
But could she just be having doubts about breaking up because this is her longest relationship yet?

I dont know what advice to give that might help her in her decision. She used to sound so happy when I spoke to her, but now she always seems miserable. She has had this feeling of not wanting to see him for the week constantly.

Anything I can say? Or can anybody try and make sense of whats going on? Thank you. I know it must be difficult!

Posts: 26 | From: Wales | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, for starters, does HE also do equal parts of the cooking and washing up? If not, what's he doing to equalize her contributions?

What have these arguments been about?

Certainly, when something gets very familiar, it can be tougher to leave it, even if it isn't what we want anymore. When that thing is a person, it's even tougher: we obviously don't want to hurt the people we care about.

But her happiness isn't a non-issue: it's critically important. If this relationship isn't leaving her feeling good much of the time, or at all when this guy isn't around (though it sounds like it often isn't so hot when he is), then that's a sound reason to think about a change. You could talk to her about what she wants ideally in a relationship, about how this fits into that, and also make sure that if it's not what she wants, she isn't settling for it because she either doesn't think she can do better, or because she thinks that because this has gone on a long time, even when it's not making her happy, she has to stick with it.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Disenchanted88
Neophyte
Member # 35635

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Disenchanted88     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
About her doing all these jobs, she cooks their dinner and cleans his room, and also gets up earlier than she needs to so that she can make him lunch to take off to work for him...He doesnt do this for her. She did tell me that she would like him to once in a while show his gratitude by offering to cook sometimes, or at least maybe show some form of appreciation that she goes out of her way to do this when she doesnt have to.

She told me that tonight she argued with him over the phone (He is out with friends) which she doesnt mind..He told her that he wouldnt be drinking because he has work but ended up doing so anyway and knows that he will just be in a bad mood the next day now because he has to work with a hangover.
Also he said:

"My mates are getting me drinks because I dont get to see them much anymore"

And that makes her feel bad because she then feels as though he is implying that is her fault, because before they started dating he was out a lot of the time!

She said that she doesnt want to leave him because she'd be very miserable and miss him.
I told her that a lot of people feel like that after a relationship because they are used to being with someone a lot of the time, and being alone all of a sudden is hard, whether or not you loved the person afterwards. I am not sure if my advise was any good.

I dont really know whats going through her head. To me all her feeling point towards this relationship coming to an end, but she says she cant imagine leaving him. He is nice to her, tells her that he loves her, and yet she still feels like this a lot.

I really dont understand!

Posts: 26 | From: Wales | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
She cleans HIS room? Oh jeez: she's not his mother. That's really outer limits. Cleaning shared areas of space when it's only one person doing the cleaning is bad enough, but cleaning HIS personal space is really beyond the pale.

I think it sounds like it's worth discussing how happy she really is WITH him, especially since she's sounding more like an indentured servant than a real partner. We can tell someone we love them, but when that isn't actively demonstrated, it doesn't mean much. It's a lot easier to say than it is to do, and thus far, I'm not hearing healthy dynamics here where he's demonstrating love to her. I mean, my mailman is nice to me, and that doesn't mean I should be in a relationship with him or that he's doing anything special for me.

In the meantime? If she is going to stick around, it's time for her to stop doing all of the domestic chores unless they have an agreement that's fair, such as him paying her bills in exchange for this. Just have her STOP. Again, she's not his mother, and he's not a little boy. he can clean his own room and make his own lunch.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Disenchanted88
Neophyte
Member # 35635

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Disenchanted88     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I agree with that. I think she does too much for him when I hear he doesnt do much back. I will have to have another conversation about it with her. Thanks for your help!
Posts: 26 | From: Wales | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3