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Author Topic: am i in the right relationship? + other thoughts...
notsure
Neophyte
Member # 37122

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Hi, I am alex.
I have been in a proper relationship with my girlfriend for two years now and its all serious on both sides but I keep getting a sinking feeling that this relationship isn't right for me.

We do both love each other, confide in each other, trust each other totally however something just isn't right.

to be honest we arent into the same things at all,
because of this after a good few hours of spending time alone, myself, she or both of us get bored.
she seems to enjoy herself alot more when her or both of our friends are about too.

sex isn't too often but it doesnt bother me, its down to a combination of her not feeling for it often or when she does, we dont have an opportunity for it (we live in a shared house.) so sex is rare but nice.

Sometimes I feel like she would rather have somebody else, despite being in love with me I think there's something she wants more, physically. I think she wants someone big, with muscles, I am slim and without them. she tends to cuddle and hold onto my friends who are muscly over me. not because she fancies them (she doesn't) its more unconcious. it hurts me though.


she definately loves me, and i do her, but i feel like something is missing.

I think for me, it's the mutual interests and for

her its something physical.

I remember shes had opportunities to get off with people much better looking, more athletic than me but *chosen not to* because of me, she says that while they might be better looking they lack my heart and wouldnt treat her right. - while this is the case i believe she wishes I was something more. she isnt physically attracted to me, just emotionally.


what do i do?

[ 02-19-2008, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: notsure ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I feel like we might need to separate two issues I'm seeing here: some low self-esteem or poor body image on your part and the quality of your relationship and how you feel in it.

Seems like those two things may be related, but they are also separate issues. Which do you want to talk about first?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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notsure
Neophyte
Member # 37122

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quality of relationship, i suppose.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Okie dokie.

Since you're half the relationship, how do YOU feel in it? Are YOU happy? Does it usually leave you feeling good, with her, about both of you, about yourself?

Over the last two years, has something changed? If things were different at the beginning -- accepting that relationships are usually more high-key when they're new -- how were they different? Did you used to have more in common, for instance?

And has SHE voiced feeling dissatisfied? have you talked to her about your concerns?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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notsure
Neophyte
Member # 37122

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my feelings are essentially this:
I am very slightly unhappy with the situation at the moment, but my feelings over-power the unhappiness. most of the time I feel good but I have an underlying feeling that there is someone out there who would fit me exactly.

the relationship hasn't really changed at all.
unless we're doing something new together things seem to get stale.

despite all this though, she is still my world.
and when things ARE going well, i feel like nothing could bring me down, even these thoughts.

she hasn't voiced any feelings of being dis-satisfied but i can see she is sometimes bored in the same way.

i think we need to spice things up. but should i have to? surely if things were 'right' our daily normal life would interest each other enough?

[ 02-19-2008, 09:15 PM: Message edited by: notsure ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Might it be possible your relationship is shifting from a romance to a friendship?

Certainly, as relationships go on, we often need to make more effort to sustain it than we do when it's newer. Being more demonstrative, making sure to make time for you two alone (including time when it is NOT for sex), talking about how things are going for both of you honestly, trying new things together...all of those are some of that effort.

But too, especially when you're young, it's pretty normal for people to change over just a couple of years, and that can mean their relationships do. Of course, over time, romantic relationships DO become more like friendships, or more about friendship, but it sounds like you're saying you DO feel the bond and the friendship, but you're not sure you both want to be in the role you each are as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Like I asked before, HAVE you talked to her about any of this? If not, I'd suggest you do.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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notsure
Neophyte
Member # 37122

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I havn't, but I dont really want to. i am worried about losing what we have.
I guess the reality is that at some point this is likely to end. I may aswell just focus on being happy - who knows maybe we'll change for the better.

[ 02-20-2008, 06:01 AM: Message edited by: notsure ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It's usually when couples DON'T communicate honestly that relationships tank, not when they do.

So, if you're feeling this way, acting like you're not and not talking about it isn't usually them most constructive thing, for you or any relationship.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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