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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Family Changes

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Author Topic: Family Changes
Member # 30348

Icon 2 posted      Profile for k_leigh7692     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This is a new branch of question/answer here for me, so bear with me please!

When I was 16, my family and I moved from North Carolina to Washington state for my dad's job. I couldn't handle it and just wasn't adjusting well and missed my boyfriend of 2 yrs. and my friends in colorguard, etc, so they let me move back with my grandparents. For the past 2 yrs, I've lived with them and have done well. Tension has lessened between my parents and I, but they still blame me moving back to NC on my boyfriend, which it was at the time.

Well, here's my dilemma. I'm the only one that knows this right now in my household, I've been told not to tell my grandparents because Mom doesn't want to get their hopes up, but apparently, they're moving back to NC over the summer if everything goes according to plan. They'll be moving about 45 min. to an hr. away from where I live now. Here, in my hometown, I work parttime as a lifeguard and swim instructor at the YMCA and go to school full time at a commmunity college. I've become well established in both areas; I've become close to my supervisor and the other lifeguards and I'm halfway through with my associate's degree and another certification I'm working on.

I'm sure Dad does too, but Mom misses me a lot, and I miss her too. She wants me to move in with them until I go to my 4 yr university, and maybe even stay then, I don't know. Problem is, that I don't want to leave my job because like I said, I've become very comfortable there and may even be getting a raise soon, and I don't want to have to start over with transferring credits or what not with colleges. She told me there would be no problem in me driving 45min. to go to school, but that's a lot of gas and time. And yes, my boyfriend is in the mix with reasons why I would rather stay put, but the majority is school and work.

I have no idea how to tell her. My dad I think will be easier. I'm just so worried about disappointing them and I don't want them to think it has a lot to do with Alex (boyfriend) or because I like being here w/my grandparents. I just don't know how to keep from crushing her and making her feel unwanted or left out of my life. And normally, my grandmother is the one I go to for advice, but I can't because of my mom asking me not to tell them until everything is set in stone.

Any advice would put my mind at ease until my grandparents know. It's driving me crazy and I think I may worry myself to death. I love my parents more than anything and I just crumble when I have to give them bad news or do something they don't approve of. Their opinions mean everything to me. Please, just something, anything, would help.

Thank you in advance.


Posts: 31 | From: North Carolina | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, it's really normal when you're about this age to start forging your own life and to separate from parents.

I get that you love your folks and want to protect their feelings, and that's obviously awesome. But at the same time, this is the time in your life when parents do need to start separating from you and vice-versa, so I'd expect them to have some expectation of that.

So, I'd consider that when you think about this and anticipate their reaction, and I'd also bring this to the table. The reasons you want to stay where you are are totally understandable, and it's also understandable that you'd want to stay where you're getting established: they're adults, they certainly can understand that.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 30348

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You're right. I just feel that since I've been away from Mom for so long, she's so excited about moving back, which she should be, it's where all her family is, that she's just assuming that I'm moving back in with them. And I would love to but I just don't want to pick up and start all over.

Do you or anyone else have suggestions on how to maybe break the news to her? And Dad too? He'll be easier, but it'll still be hard.

Posts: 31 | From: North Carolina | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Would it be possible for you to stay at their place on the weekends? Or set up a dinner/movie night once a week with just your parents, no boyfriend or friends? That might make it a lot easier on them. Aside from that, I don't have any suggestions on how to break it to them.

Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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