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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Snooping - a confession

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Author Topic: Snooping - a confession
pixeldot
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So my boyfriend is visiting my dorm for the weekend. He has his laptop with him.

And I confess, what I did was wrong, but what I found was worse. I told him I was going to use his computer to play a game, but I snooped.

Before I continue I should mention that I have his insane jealousy/obsession over his last relationship. My psychiatrist says its part of my OCD, recurring thoughts that he still loves her more than me. This relationship was 3 years ago. It was the girl who took his virginity, his only other girlfriend.

So I found a slightly hidden folder which exclusively contained AIM transcripts with this girl from back when they were dating. I learned alot of things.

1. He told me he was raped by her, that he didn't want to have sex. These conversations painted a different picture. Infact, they describe him going to HER room for the first night. I feel lied to.

2. They wanted a baby together. She apparently kept having dreams about having a baby with him, and he thought it was a good idea.

3. He told me he failed (0.0gpa) college because he stopped attending classes when his mom couldn't pay anymore. Turns out, he stopped attending classes because this girl convinced him that he didn't need school, and that he should skip his classes to spend more time with her, since their life together was much more important. He believed this too.

4. They wanted to get married the following autumn. They planned out the wedding and everything. Picked out a color scheme, a first dance song, a location, discussed who to invite. Everything.

The scariest part is that they'd only been dating for 3 weeks when all of this happened. 3 weeks was enough to convince him to drop out of college and start a family with her. He must have really been in love ;.;

I'm jealous all over again. And hurt that he lied. And sad that she got all of that affection. He barely talks to me about those things, we havent even considered marriage or kids, and we've been dating for 2 years.

;.; Should I tell him I snooped or just let it rot in the back of my mind for the rest of my life ;.;

[ 02-16-2008, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: pixeldot ]

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Heather
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I think you absolutely need to have a conversation about this, big time.

You can't have a quality relationship without trust, and you can't have trust when your partner has lied to you, and lied to you quite hugely. As well, you're going to need to do your part of dealing with a lack of trust by making clear you know these things and how you found them out.

I don't think jealousy should be the central issue here. Your partner seems to have lied to you about sexual abuse that may never have happened. he was planning -- given, likely not all that seriously, either of them, given the three-week time span, but still -- a marriage. He left school for a very different reason than he told you he did. All of these things are things you need to talk about even if they did NOT make you feel jealous.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pixeldot
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I don't even know how to bring that sort of thing up to him ;.;

I'm sure he'll be upset that I was snooping, to begin with. And I'm sure he'll be upset at me for still dwelling on the past.

But I just don't even know how I feel about him anymore =/ We've had a long relationship, we've been through alot together, but I never in my life expected him to agree to elope, or be so gullible as to drop out of school for a girl he barely knew. I believed him when he said he was waiting for the right person to have sex with... (She was, by the by, saying all of these things to get him to have sex with her, because she dumped him as soon as winter break came. To add insult to injury, he still thinks shes a good person, and talks to her from time to time.)

It just takes alot away from his character in my eyes, and above that the lying. Ugh, I'm still so distraught.

It also makes me wonder, if he was desperate enough to give into someone like her, is he just dating me out of desperation too? What if I asked him to elope or have a baby, would he nod and smile just to keep a girl in his life again? Blah ;.;

[ 02-16-2008, 04:10 PM: Message edited by: pixeldot ]

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pixeldot
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Hm, I told him. He said he forgot he even had those on his computer, and didn't remember what he'd said in them, so I told him to reread them, so he could remember the promises he'd made.

He said that'd make him uncomfortable and that he'd just delete them to make me happy. So they're gone. He says its all the past. I'm still not satisfied about the situation, but he won't discuss it further.

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Heather
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You know, his lying isn't in the past. It's recent, and if he's refusing to acknowledge he was not truthful with you, it is going on right NOW.

And that's what I'd mention. If he won't have that discussion with you, then you've got a pretty big problem. A partner who won't be accountable for his actions, or who won't acknowledge dishonesty isn't a partner anyone can trust. Were it me, I'd simply say that non-discussion isn't an option, and if he wants to keep developing a relationship with you, this has to be discussed, period.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68227 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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