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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » i can't let go of his past! (sorry it's long!)

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Author Topic: i can't let go of his past! (sorry it's long!)
corndog
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Member # 37091

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my boyfriend and i have been together for nine months. our relationship is wonderful - we're truly in love. any way, at the beginning of our relationship he asked me if i'd had sex before, and i admitted to him that i had (twice), but i really regretted it. it was an awful, crying mess. at first he was angry sounding, saying things like "i thought you were pure" and blah blah. he went on and on about purity was so important and how he was saving himself for someone he really loved.

i never asked him outright, but we'd had conversations about the subject of sexual "experience" and he told me he'd "never even fingered a girl before!..well he almost did but he pants were too tight." and that was that. he'd only had one girlfriend before me and that relationship only lasted a month, and he said he hadn't even made out with anyone until then. i assumed he'd only maybe done some feeling up, nothing in the pants. the other day i just asked him because i realized i didn't really know for sure, and he really pussyfooted around the subject. i said "so before us, all you'd ever done before was make out?" and he said that was right. but then, finally i squeezed out of him that he'd gotten head before! that's way more than just making out!

i was really hurt that he didn't tell me initially - i feel like if he would have, i wouldn't have cared. but now i just keep going over and over conversations and encounters we've had. it makes me reassess our sex life and even our opinon of him. he says he kept it from me because he knew i couldn't handle it. this is apparently true.

all the time, i think about it. i can't even think about sex or make out with him without thinking about it and it drives me crazy! i keep trying to figure out every detail - with who, and where, especially - even though i don't really want to know. he says it was just his friend and that he didn't intend for it to happen. "one thing led to another." he also told me he was really hesitant about it and felt really confused afterwards.

i've given him head plenty of times and we've had sex on multiple occassions, so i know it's totally obsolete. plus he said, he doesn't think of it, it means nothing. he says that he only has sex with me because he loves me. i just can't wrap my brain around it. i think a girl must be pretty cheap to just offer up oral sex to their friend. i can't take it that lightly.

and how can i just forget how awful i felt for not being "pure", when he really wasn't either?! i think a casual hookup is much more distasteful than sex with your steady boyfriend, which is what i had.

how can i just let it all go? he forgave me for my encounters and can completely look past it all. but i just can't...i'm tired of thinking about this and it's tearing up our relationship. i can't talk to him about it anymore, because i promised him i would just let it be. even though i really just want to yell at him about it. i have to get over this or it will break us up.

help!

Posts: 2 | From: murfreesboro, tennessee | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
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Member # 1207

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First of all, i understand you're upset, but comments like "i think a girl must be pretty cheap to just offer up oral sex to their friend. i can't take it that lightly" and "i think a casual hookup is much more distasteful than sex with your steady boyfriend, which is what i had" are NOT okay here. It is one thing to state your personal preferences, and quite another to make others' feel bad for choices they have made.

I see two issues here. First of all, he wasn't honest w/ you. You asked him and he lied. You had to pry it out of him and then when he finally told the truth, he said the reason he lied was b/c of YOU (b/c you "couldn't handle it"). Does this make sense to you? I would be demanding an apology for lying (without the "but i didn't it for YOU!" crazyness) and a promise to be honest in the future.

Second, him expecting "purity" from you, while not being "pure" himself is unfair (for lack of a better word). That he went on and on about it and made you feel bad about it like he did is almost inexcuseable. Has he apologized for this? Have you gotten any sort of explaination for this?

Is the fact that he's had oral sex really bothering you, or is it that he lied about it and then made you feel bad for having other sex partners too? Because really, the older we get and the more relationships we have, the more likely it is that our partners will have had other partners ... That's to be expected.

--------------------
Nursing is a work of heart!
~ unknown

Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
corndog
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Member # 37091

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sorry, i wasn't trying to pass any judgements on anybody. i just know that i would not act that way, although i'm not very sexually outgoing.

we talked and he said that there's nothing else that he's "neglected" to tell me, and he apologized to me multiple times.

his definition of "purity" is also, obviously very different than mine. he puts sex on a pedestal and says that what i had done in the past was of a "completely different caliber." he also said that he never tried to make me feel bad, but even if he didn't, he didn't fess up his details to lessen my guilt, which i expressed to him.

i just feel betrayed that he hid it from me, and the whole beginning of our relationship he kept denying any experience...it makes me reassess how everything unfolded between us. when we talked about things, he really was coming from an experienced standpoint.

i just want to get past this, because i know it really has no impact on what we have together. it just happened and i need to accept and forget it, but now when i think about him, i think about THAT and it makes me mad.

Posts: 2 | From: murfreesboro, tennessee | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

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Honestly, that's a MAJOR issue and does have an impact on the relationship. It's not something you can just "get past" because you shouldn't, and you have every right to feel betrayed. This needs to be discussed with him, otherwise you won't (and shouldn't) be able to trust him anymore.

Anytime you are in a relationship with someone and having sex with them, you should be open about your past sexual experiences. His excuse that "you couldn't handle it" is BS, too. Had he told you from the beginning and not belittled you for your sexual experience, your reaction would have been different.

I had a boyfriend do the same thing to me, and it just doesn't make for a healthy relationship. I really was unable to trust him after that, and for plenty good reason. If someone isn't honest with you about something that important from the start, then they aren't someone you should be in a relationship with. They just aren't mature enough to handle a relationship, in my opinion.

Also, let's get rid of these notions of "purity." All they do is put down sex and subjugate people, women most especially. The only time a person is "pure" is right out of the womb. After that, unless they live their life in a literal plastic bubble, they aren't pure.

I do hope things work out for you.

--------------------
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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