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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Talking Smack

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Author Topic: Talking Smack
Member # 36400

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Hi. I'm currently a junior in a small and close-knit high school, pretty much everybody knows everybody in my grade. I am kind of shy so I don't try to make friends out of my comfort zone, so I guess other people can see that as snobby. I do want to make friends (I am one of those people who have a few best friends and not a lot of other friends), but recently I've found out that people were talking behind my back.

First it started with girls in the senior class. They are friends with my boyfriend, because they're in choir class together. Apparently they had been talking smack on me, saying things like I don't deserve my boyfriend because I treat him badly, when that is not the case at all. They assume that just because I don't like PDA, especially at school, that I am treating my boyfriend like s***. My boyfriend tried to put a stop to it by talking to them, but I somehow think it's not going to stop until they graduate.

Secondly, I found out that people in my own grade were talking about me too; particularly this one group of girls. I've never hung out with them and never really talked to them except casually, but our mutual friend told me that they "hated" me and thought I was a "b****" when I literally did nothing to them.

I am naturally shy and tend to be insecure, but these are becoming worse as I am put down. I try to dismiss them but that's hard to do, because I can't put what they said out of my mind. How can I cope with this? Thank you


Posts: 93 | From: So Cal | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 28394

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This is essentially bullying jen, you shouldn't have to put up with it. That's an easy thing for me to say, but you do deserve better.

Your school will probably have an anti-bullying policy and this sort of thing should be against their rules... being picked on by older pupils can be especially intimidating, even more so when you already say you're quite shy, i recommend you approach a member of staff and ask to chat about it, they can very often alert other members of staff who can keep an eye out for their behaviour.

I really don't envy you, but I can say that throughout school I was bullied, many people will say the same, and things do get better. These people really aren't important to the master-plan of your life; it may seem a while but pretty soon you'll almost forget they existed. I know right now you have to deal with it emotionally, but you have to remember how wrong they are; using you as a target really is just something they're likely doing because of their own insecurities, trying to get "in" with a crowd, and out do each other (which is where their attacks really should be focused), because they probably don't think THEY are good enough by themselves.

But the only people who know about what your relationship means, are you and your boyfriend. And if you two are happy, then no interference from anyone else is justified. The fact that you are in any withdrawn, is NO justification whatsoever for their words and you're entitled to as much help as is available to you.

What they've said about you really has no relevance whatsoever to the actual truth of what goes on with you... my bet is that, as is quite often the case, they're jelous of you and your relationship which you have raised no concearns about, and your boyfriend obviously feels similarly for confronting them.

If you can, please get some teaching staff to listen to your concerns and see what they can do about it.

Good Luck!

Jacob - my Scarleteen Blog - Please help sustain scarleteen

Posts: 633 | From: Bedfordshire, UK | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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In addition to what Jacob said about bullying (which is absolutely something you should NOT have to put up with)...

This is probably going to sound awful...but to some extent you just have to grow a thicker skin. While I'd love to tell you that it'll just stop when you "get older," that wouldn't exactly be the truth. Yes, some of those catty behind-your-back discussions that folks have do tend to stop as we become more mature, you're just never likely to be in a place where nobody is talking about you. It's just not likely to happen. For example...I'm 27, successful professionally (a B.S., an M.A, and almost a Ph.D.), a good teacher, and (I'd like to think) a good partner and friend. I'm also pregnant right now, which is seen as a "not so good thing" in my professional circle unfortunately. I know for a fact that some of the important people in my area are talking about me in some not-so-nice ways (that I'm going to fail, that I'll never get a job, that I'm making bad choices, etc.). Is it hurtful? Yes. Is it immature? Yes. Can I let that get to me? No.

The unfortunate fact is that there are always going to be people who will judge and who will say things that are not very nice about you. Sometimes they do this because they're scared or unhappy with their own lives or decisions. Sometimes they don't like us for some other reason and they decide to take it out that way. Sometimes they're just insecure. Sometimes they don't know they're being hurtful. We may never know exactly why somebody says nasty things about us. But you can't let that affect the way you live your life. If you're happy and you know that you're doing things that are working for YOU, then you've just got to remember that this is likely not about you, it's probably about THEM and their issues.

If you want to confront the people who are talking about you, then that is certainly something you can do. I'd suggest doing so in a calm and reasonable manner. You may or may not be able to change the way they feel about you. Ultimately, we can't control the behavior of others, so if they really want to keep it up, that's what they're going to do. Secondly, I'd suggest that you surround yourself with people who do like you and who are truly friends. Worry about those people, not about the critics. And finally, wait it out. It generally takes at least two to play these games, and if you refuse to play it'll likely cease to be fun for them. If you show that you're not letting it get to you, they've got very little reason to keep it up because there's nothing in it for them. Usually people get bored and get over it. And (even though the issue of people talking about you in general will probably never go away) some of this will likely subside eventually. Maturity tends to season at least some of this out. Don't let yourself dwell on this, focus on other things in your life that are good!

[ 03-20-2008, 11:12 AM: Message edited by: KittenGoddess ]

Sarah Liz

Posts: 7316 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 36400

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Thank you [Smile]


Posts: 93 | From: So Cal | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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