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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Sleepovers and Young Adults

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Author Topic: Sleepovers and Young Adults
Member # 36213

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As I have noticed this topic is a widespread one. I need some advice because I am going through it also. I am 19 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. I am living with my parents while I attend school to keep costs down. My boyfriend is allowed to stay the night at our home but must stay in the guest bedroom on the first floor; while I sleep upstairs. This rule is fine in my eyes but I am not allowed to stay in his apartment with him because my parents see it as "not proper". I have tried discussing the matter with them several times receiving the same answer every time. I don't want to disrespect them but feel as though old ways die hard. I have considered staying with him against their will but feel like they deserve better. How should I go about this?
Posts: 3 | From: Cape Cod | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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You know, I'm 37 years old and my partner is 35 and when we visit his family we also would have to sleep separately if we stayed there. So, we stay in a hotel instead, and just have a shorter visit so it doesn't make us broke.

His parents are fully aware we live together and sleep together -- and also aware that I personally oppose marriage and marriage is not something we're going to do -- but they're just not comfortable with unmarried people sleeping in the same bed in their house. Their house = their rules, and you know, that's a fair thing for anyone to ask. To me, there are a million reasons that isn't sensible or sound -- and those were not and are not the rules with my own parents -- but I'm not about to get into an argument with them about it. It's not my house, it's theirs, and if I'm ever a guest there, the least I can do is honor their values and rules in their house, you know?

Your folks are doing you a favor letting you stay in their place as an adult to help you save money. And if in order to do that, there are conditions, then there are, and it's up to you to decide if you can live with those conditions. It might be worth asking if that IS (the business about not staying with him) a condition of you living there. If it's not, then I say you let them know you hear what they think but disagree and do what you will. But if it is, then I think you just have to figure out if it's a condition you can deal with. If you can't, and staying over with your boyfriend is important, you just have to look at your options and figure out if you can find a different living situation, maybe an additional job, or just accept that if there are no other doable options, that if not staying over for a while helps you get through school, it's probably something you can do without for a while.

But ultimately, when adult children choose to live with parents on their dime, because you're dependent on them again, and they're doing you a favor (and you have a choice about living with them), their rules are what goes. And when they make clear that any given rule is a hard limit, it just is.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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