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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Though breakup

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Author Topic: Though breakup
Pretty Flower
Member # 28675

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I'm feeling really lonely tonight, my parents are asleep and my sister is spending the night with her boyfriend, so there's nobody I can talk to with right now. And I'm sad. I'm 23 years old, so I'm no longer a teen, but I've found out that here I can always found someone to talk to, and some advice. The post is long, but please, stick with me. [Confused]

I had a boyfriend, but broke up with him on november the 12th. We were together for a little over than a year and a half. We had a complicated relationship, from my point of view. We actually loved each other, and he was the first person I had sex with. [Smile]

The thing is he used to do/say things that hurt me, but I never ever said to him that those things hurt me. And I still expected our relationship would improve. I guess the "punto álgido" for me was when I started this semester at university. It was my last (I'm now a college graduate!), so I face some mayor choices, and possibilities. I also had to face the fact that I had been changing the way I was in order to be with my boyfriend, so I kinda have an identity crisis.

I attended therapy, and stopped seeing my boyfriend for a while (about four or three weeks). He was supportive and all that. So, therapy helped A LOT. I worked out things that were haunting me, and that don't had anything to do with my boyfriend. As it turned out, most of my problems didn't have anything to do with me. So, I solve them, and satarted feeling happy and grateful to life, and fulled with joy.

For a while, the relationship with my boyfriend improved. But then, some issues raised, specially when he asked me what was going on. At the begining, I kept on telling him that there were nothing wrong, that I was just feeling happy and relieved. But he just couldn't get used to "my new me", besides, he kept on telling me so many times that there were something wrong, that I actually started believing him. And then, we had a fight. He went away to other state because of work for two weeks, and during those two weeks we had an argument over the phone. So when he came back, I wrote him a letter, and we read it together.

In the letter I told him that honestly, there were nothing wrong, that I was just feeling happy, and that this independent, brave, charming girl I was turning into has always been the real me, that I just had to found her again and that I achieve that with therapy. That I loved him, and wanted to be with him. However, I also told him that I couldn't imagine us living together or getting married, because I wasn't ready for that yet. And that was it. After reading the letter he told me that he was okay with everything, but what really concerned him was the fact that I didn't saw us married or living together, and that for him that just ment that I wasn't willing to make a commitment. The argument went back and forth, and it ended well, with both of us cuddling in bed. But then, I started feeling weird. And then it came to me, that if I had to be completely honest with him (as I promised him, because I tend to hide problems, so I don't have to confront them) I should tell him that I was intending to apply for jobs in different countries. And he went sooo upset, and we start the argument again. Finally, it ended up with me leaving his apartment because he asked me to do so, if I wasn't able to commit.

For me, that ment it was over. But the next morning, he called me and asked to see me. So that night we met, and he told me what a jerk he had been, and that he should have never done that to me, that he can't asked me to stop doing what I wanted to do. basically, that he loved me and didn't want to lose me. But I was just too hurted, and I refused to get back together. Since then, we talked a lot about why we break up, and I told him that he just hurted me during the relationship, and that I never said it to him. He was shocked, and started therapy, and has found out so many things about himself, and that actually makes me inmensely happy. However, for about a couple of weeks he tried to get me back, and I refused. We tried being friends, and I guess that actually was nice, but it just hurted, so now he is not talking to me. He apologized so many times, he went to see me get my title and my diploma from school, and the last time we talked or see each other was december 11th. I recently e-mailed him, telling him that I was so sorry for not communicating with him, because that just lead for the problems to accumulate and grow, and that he never had a chance to change or improve. He didn't answer.

[Frown] The thing is, I miss him. I miss him very much, and I wish we could be together. But I'm also confused because I don't know if I feel this way because of the no communication, or because I really I'm in love with him. I haven't meet with my therapist, since she said I was already alright, and that I can call her only when I felt I need it. I also have been avoiding seeing her because it's kind of expensive, and since my parents can afford it (I don't have a job yet, I'm job hunting right now), it worries me out. But I guess I should go and tlak with her, because sometimes I'm like "I'm okay" and sometimes I'm "I miss him so much". I think about him every day.

I wish some of the very wise women here at Scarleteen would share with me, because I'd have only one boyfriend before this, so I'm lost here. Relationship tips and knowledge doesn't come in books. Help, please.

Posts: 11 | From: Mexico city | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 139

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I want to applaud you for having the courage to recognize you had personal issues, taking the steps you needed to help them, and then sticking to your own needs. [Smile] That aspect of your post made me smile.

I know you still miss him. You dated for quite some time, and it's been just over a month since you ended it. You can't expect to get over a relationship like that in a few weeks. If you WERE able to get over it that quick, many of the posters here would be asking YOU for advice. [Smile]

You've got to give it time. That's all it takes, which is both really simple and far too complicated. Things that help in the mean time mainly involve keeping youself busy: job hunting, hobbies, friends, volunteering, all of those things that keep you busy and occupied. Try not to dwell too much on it, because in the long run, it doesn't help all that much. Try and be yourself. Take up something new! Write, Draw, paint, sculpt, take pictures, do something creative. Just do things, let time pass, and you'll be fine. [Smile]

Caylin, Scarleteen Volunteer
Love Scarleteen? Donations keep us around for you. So give a little! (Or a lot. Whatever works for you.)

Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pretty Flower
Member # 28675

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Thank you Dark Child. Sometimes all we need is to be listened, and you have been my "ear". Thank you, and I'm already doing stuff, such as handcrafts and writing. So I guess I'll give it time. [Smile]
Posts: 11 | From: Mexico city | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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