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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » i just don't know!

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Author Topic: i just don't know!
italiana23
Neophyte
Member # 27545

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k sooo i haven't wrote to you guys in SUCH a long time.. but i'm having some issues at the moment with this guy.. and I am so desperate for as much advice right now as i can get..

Anyway so i been talking to this older guy at my job, who EVERYONE loves and we've been talking since the beginning of September.. he is definately someone that can get along with anyone that hes around. which is the one thing i love about him! might i mention that he is definately a big flirt, but he does make it known at work that he wants me only, by coming up to me and kissing me and all this cute little stuff.

At first i wasnt sweatin' it.. i thought it might just be a work fling, but then i gave him my number one night and he started texting me.. a lot. So we eventually hung out, we went to this bar that his friends work at so i could get in, and we drank a little, and we ended up kissing alot.. and i really started to like him, he seemed very genuine.. and right for me.. So we ended up talking on the phone almost every night, getting to know eachother, but not really hanging out as much as we should have.. In one of our phone convos we talked about his EX which he said still really loves him, and he mentioned a few things theyve been through, and he also said that she shows up at his house a lot randomly.. SO obviously i was thinking that hes still leading her on ...

ANYWAY... time goes by and we still arent hanging out as much as i think 2 people that are getting to know eachother should. so i talk to him about it and he says that hes just been really busy with his 2 jobs and to hang in there cause he really likes me and hasnt felt this way in a long time.. SO of course i love the sound of that, and i keep things going the way they are..

so a few nights after that, were at work and some girl shows up and starts talking to him. and i had no idea who she was. but they ended up leaving together. soo whatever it didnt bother me, but atleast 3 times a week she would show up there!! and they would hang out!! . and with him telling me that hes busy and then hanging out with her it was PISSING me off.. so he then told me that shes just a girl that likes him a lot and shows up there randomly, and that he doesnt wanna be mean so he just hangs out with her.. so that goes on for about a month.. and i deal with it.

Then one night me and him hung out and we ended up almost having SEX.. and he was the one that STOPPED it from happening!! we got really into kissing and he was fingering me, and then he just said we shouldnt do it because he wanted us to do it when we have more time. . but it really looked like something was holding him back..

then another night i went over his house, and we reallly almost did it.. but this time he couldnt even get HARD! and i felt like it was me and i felt so uncomfortable.. he seemed really mad that he couldnt.. so i dont really know what was going on there..


oh and some outside info.. I find out that he drinks A LOT n loves to just go out and have a good time.. which is one thing i think is holding him back from being with me..

but anyway LAST night we hung out.. and i was with my friends, and his friends were there too.. and we were at the same place, but he wasnt even trying to be around me alot.. he was just drinking with his friends most of the time.. he was texting me a lot.. but we were in the same place and he was TEXTING me! but when he did come around me he was alll over me kissing and stuff..

He texts me ALL the time saying cute things and when we hang out at the end he hugs me for like 10 minutes and kisses mee and does cute little things that a guy wouldnt do unless he really cared about a girl! thats why im sooo confused!!

and then TODAY.. since i was upset about last night, i called him and told him that i was upset and he was like "look im gonna go i have work in the morning" and im thinking well if you really care about me it wouldnt matter he would just listen to what i have to say. so i ended up yelling at him, and hanging up on him. and he didnt even call or text me back.


I know this whole story sounds realllyy bad, but i KNOW the kid likes me.. and me and this kid have such a good time together and we laugh sooo much and everything seems so perfect when we're together!! soo i dunno!! it just seems like somethings holdin him back from trying to be with me

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the stars don't shine as bright without you <33

Posts: 25 | From: NY | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

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You gave a pretty detailed explanation of what the two of you do, but you didn't even mention what you've discussed.

Are you in a committed relationship? Is it monogamous? How often can you realistically spend time together. Those aren't questions for you to explain to me but things I think the two of you should discuss together.

Right now it seems like half your communication is based on assumptions and generalizations ("...a guy wouldnt do unless he really cared about a girl!") That's no substitute for open, honest communication so that's what I suggest your try.

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“I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.” --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
italiana23
Neophyte
Member # 27545

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Well, I tell him all the time that I want to be with him.. we're pretty much "together", but not official.. he says he has too much on his plate right now to start a committed relationship, which I totally understand, but I feel like when I bring up that topic, he really doesn't give me any feedback. He told me that I'm the only one he's messing around with and I shouldn't be worried about him talking to ANYONE else cause I'm the only one he wants. He told me that he wants to just take things a day at a time.

But honestly, that isn't what I want..I want a relationship and I dont want to sit here and wait for him, especially when I'm not even sure if we'll EVER be anything more than this! [Confused]

Posts: 25 | From: NY | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You've said that he's older: how much older are we talking (I'm honestly a bit confused, because you talk about being older but are also calling him "this kid")?

One reason I ask is that expecting an older person to sign on to a monogamous serious relationship in just a couple months of dating is often asking too much. It's more normal for younger people to do the serial monogamy thing, the skip-dating-go-right-to-relationship thing. Older folks often tend to move more slowly, for a lot of reasons.

Too, working two jobs IS tough, and someone not wanting to stay up in a row on the phone all night when they have to be into work the next morning really isn't unreasonable.

I guess what I seem to be hearing is some pretty critical differences between the two of you, in terms of different lifestyles, but also wanting different things. And you really can't "make" someone want something different than they want, nor is it smart to try and push someone into a relationship they're not yet ready to commit to.

If you know that nothing but a full-time, fully-committed relationships is going to work for you, sounds like this might not be a good fit, but then again, expecting that of someone so shortly into dating really is also expecting a lot.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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