I dont really know where to start. I just have to type right now. I need to get this out. I have daddy issues. A LOT of daddy issues. I know that now. Since I was very little, I had just a strong desire for a man. Someone to love me, and make me feel sexy and beautiful. I can't even count how many crushes I have had during my adolecence on boys. But it was always the same thing. Nobody liked me in the way I liked them. I was too dark or skinny or flat or whatever, atleast in MY mind I was. My dad left when I was 8. He isnt a bad guy. But he just wasn't there. I started really doing bad things. I smoked when I was 9, I had a boyfriend in grade 4 who I would makeout with HEAVILY. I WAS 9!! During Junior High, I struggled with my appearance. I thought I was fat, even though I was really really skinny, and ugly, even though I was perfectly fine and pretty in my own way. No matter which boy I liked I always thought I wasnt good enough. During High school, which is now, I realized that if I try, I can be attracted to girls. I have never been attracted to girls as a child, but now I guess I can if I let myself. I feel hopeless now. for men. I just dont think I will ever meet the right one. I dont think there is a right one for me. I have explored the possibility of being a lesbian. But I just dont think I could. There is still that longing inside me, for that man who will come and make me feel like I should. But with all the daddy issues, all the boy insecurities, it doesnt seem worth it. A relationship with a girl I think COULD be OK. Girls are pretty to look at and easy to get a long with, I can connect with them emotionally, like you would with a good friend. But I just dont see my longing being fufilled in that kind of relationship. I am just so depressed and hopeless. I have felt a lot of horrible emotions, but none is worse then having no hope. I feel so sad that I missed out on years with my dad. I feel sad that I could have had a male great role model, and now all I have is a resentment for men. I feel sad that my dad missed out on ME. Didn't I deserve to have him here? Was I NOT good enough? Is there something wrong with me that men just dont want to be here?I just feel sad, and I feel like I will never be complete. Where do I go from here? What do I do?
Posts: 5 | From: Canada | Registered: Nov 2007
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Oh sweetie. It sounds like you need to clarify the issues you've got going on here.
With regard to your feelings about your father, that's probably something best explored through some therapy. You're expressing that you've clearly got some issues with that which may be influencing other parts of your life, so the sooner you can work on those with a professional, the better.
With regard to liking boys vs. girls...there's no guarantee that our relationships with our parent(s) influences that in any way. We may tend to look for certain characteristics because of those possessed by our parents. But to the best of my knowledge, there's not much to support a gender preference totally based on our parents. So chalking up all of your relationship problems ever to your relationship with your father probably isn't fair. There are lots of other influences in our lives and culture and just individual personalities that factor in as well. Why worry about trying to like a whole group of folks based on what their gender is? Wouldn't it be better to just try to find a person that you like or are interested in being in a relationship with? And quite frankly, it sounds like until you work through some of your own stuff right now, any relationship would likely not be a wise step. Romantic relationships can often complicate things when we're trying to work ourselves out.
I definitely feel you on the hopelessness thing. My father also left when I was a kid, and it left me with a bad taste in my mouth about men - that none of them feel responsibility to those they love, that they are all manipulative or uncaring or whatever. Sometimes I really feel strongly that there is not a single man on this earth who I could ever live or raise children with, even though that's what I very much want.
While I don't know that the feeling will ever *go away* per se, I can definitely handle it when I recognize that I'm still really young, and there are millions upon millions of men out there (it helps now that I'm not in high school anymore and am no longer exposed to just the same 200 boys every day for four years).
Beyond that, I feel like we just have to go with the flow. Try not to stress too much about trying to get people to like you - it'll definitely happen. It's cool that you're open to the possibility of a relationship with another woman, but don't try to force it. If you meet a girl who is really into you and you're really into, go for it - same goes for guys. The most fulfilling relationships are ones that happen naturally, and I feel like once you - and I - get our own emotional stuff together, this won't be such a big deal.
Posts: 15 | From: Illinois | Registered: Dec 2006
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