Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Bf used to be a jerk

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Bf used to be a jerk
jaycomposer
Neophyte
Member # 35873

Icon 1 posted      Profile for jaycomposer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
When we first started out, my bf told me very honestly that he used to cheat on his ex gfs, sleep around with young gals in his neighbourhood, and pick up gals he met at clubs etc.

I was a virgin till I was with him, so I haven't been able to forget his past all along. On one hand it's in the past, so I feel that I should forget about it, on the other hand, who's to say he won't pull the same thing on me and cheat?

He's a very nice guy, we've been together about 8 months now and it may seem strange that I only feel really uncomfortable with his past now, but because we were living together (He's my hostel mate, then roommate)all along, and last month I returned to my country for a holiday of about 3 months.

All these insecurities and doubts start to surface after I'm away from him. Like I wonder if i'm simply blinded when I'm with him cos he's so sweet and nice, but now I'm away I start to consider other not-so-nice aspects of him.

The things he told me he did when he was in his country really disgusted me, like forcing young 15 or 16 year old gals to sleep with him, and even when they cry out in pain cos it's their first time, he'll cover their mouths and force it on them anyway.

And sleeping with 3 different women in a day, one of them his steady gf of 2 years. Making gals drunk in clubs and having sex with them when they're unconscious.

I don't know why he told me all these, he was remarkably honest with me. He still is, but whenever I think about those gals I'd feel really sorry for them and also feel a wave of disgust for him.

He said he wanted to be honest in our relationship from the start because he's tired of all those meaningless stuff he did and he wants a real relationship.

But does a leapard ever change its spots? What should I do? How do I know if he's just stringing me along like all his exes?

Posts: 7 | From: Singapore | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Oh. My. God. Girl, leave him behind, and do not look back.

He is a rapist and a criminal; you are not safe with him. All this cheating stuff comes very secondarily to that; that was RAPE, those were CRIMES. That makes him a sexual predator. Even if he's just making it up (and it is a little odd he's just outing with this), those are not very caring thoughts.

Sweet, nice, whole bit? New relationship energy. You only really start to get to know somebody in the eyes of a long-term relationship around 6 months and beyond; so it makes perfect sense that you're starting to "see" this stuff now. Also, please note that being very kind, very generous, especially when it strikes you as excessive, is often a way of luring one into abuse.

So, I'm really trying to be sensitive to your feelings for him, and try to understand the validity of them, it is so hard with what you've written. Everything has screamed that this is not a safe sexual relationship, period.

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jaycomposer
Neophyte
Member # 35873

Icon 1 posted      Profile for jaycomposer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I agree with you Lauren. That's why I've seriously considering leaving him. I just feel a bit sad for him that with his track record, it's highly unlikely that he will ever find someone who will accept his past.

It seems that no matter how bad he felt about what he did, how ever nice he try to be and all, at the end of the day he will still be judged on his past actions. I give him credit for being honest with me, but I really can't accept it.

Leaving him is not hard since I've already considered this for very long. Just needed some objective opinions on this situation, in case it's me that's being the judgemental one here.

Thanks a lot for your help Lauren.

--------------------
We need to educate the Men.

Posts: 7 | From: Singapore | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know, part of the thing is that very, very few people who have raped or abused people in the past (especially with someone like this where it was not some mistake someone made once, but repeated behaviour) will not repeat that behavior.

Many, many people have tried many different ways of "curing" or reforming or healing abusers, and sadly, the only thing that often seems to result in abusers/rapists not repeating the behavior is the threat of repeat incarceration.

So, flatly, it's not just a matter of you being able to live with what he did: it'd also be a matter of you living with what he most likely will do again, to you or someone else while he is with you.

And by the by? I think that feeling sad for him is beyond undeserved. He chose to behave the way he did (and also clearly was describing this stuff to you in a way that actually sounds a little creepy). This isn't stuff that happened TO him, it is stuff he actively chose to do and did, repeatedly. The people he victimized were the ones without a choice, and the ones to feel bad for.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jaycomposer
Neophyte
Member # 35873

Icon 1 posted      Profile for jaycomposer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I don't really see him as an abuser, more like a jerk. Cos he didn't force them with strength or aggression, but rather he would talk them into it, and those gals willingly consented to it at first.

Only thing is he should have stop when they were in pain but he didn't.

So does this mean that this guy is an abuser and rapist and should be condemned forever? He did tell me the truth, cos i asked, and he have not shown any such behaviour with me, and we were living together for 8 months, I would think that's it's pretty hard to hide any behaviour from the person you see 24hours a day for 8 months.

Sorry not that I'm sticking up for his behaviour, i'm just trying to be fair here. Even murderers and robbers get a second chance, why not rapists?

I have already decided to leave him, so it's not that issue, just want to clarify you guy's opinion on this.

So a rapist can't like or love anyone?

--------------------
We need to educate the Men.

Posts: 7 | From: Singapore | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It's bedtime for most of us here in the US, but I'll leave a note for one of us to come back and address your question in greater detail, jaycomposer.

I'm happy you've decided to leave him, because the very short answer is that sexual predators do not have the same tendencies towards rehabilitation as thieves and murderers, who often only commit once. Repeat sex criminals often have deep, underlying pathologies that drive them to repeat the behavior.

They can regress, sure, and like I said before, you guys sounded in the thick of the "honeymoon phase" -- still too deep in love to fully recognize each other's flaws, and hiding any flaws from each other at all costs to maintain attraction.

Also?

"... and even when they cry out in pain cos it's their first time, he'll cover their mouths and force it on them anyway.

You very clearly stated that he physically forced himself upon the girls. Too, one of the golden rule of genuine consent is that it can be withdrawn at any time; he can get three yes's, one no, three no's, 5 yesses, one no, or any combination thereof. No is absolute, it means stop, period, and it can be said at any time. Going past that point is rape, plain and simple.

[ 11-23-2007, 01:31 AM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jaycomposer
Neophyte
Member # 35873

Icon 1 posted      Profile for jaycomposer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This is drving me nuts. I can't stand the fact that he's classified as a rapist. Makes me feel that I was with a rapist for 8 months, and the worse is that I knew from the start!

Guess I just didn't realise the seriousness of it then.

I don't know what to do or say to him now. To be fair to him he didn't do anything to me that I didn't consent to. The first time we had sex it was painful for me so I told him to stop and he did immediately.

And if I don't want sex I'll just tell him and he'll respect that too, but you say that rapists don't ever change, so now I really don't know what to think.

I'm very confused now, is he a bad person?

Ok I understand it's late now in US, so let's continue this tomorrow. Thanks.

--------------------
We need to educate the Men.

Posts: 7 | From: Singapore | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Leabug
Activist
Member # 27966

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Leabug     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Just a quick note as this is quite out of my realm of knowledge... I'm currently reading a book on how the FBI profiles rapists, and it does explain that many rapists ARE in relationships where they only have consensual sex, but at the SAME time they're going out and raping people. So it's really not to his credit that he was good to you- it just fits a profile.

--------------------
Lea

Posts: 2332 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jaycomposer
Neophyte
Member # 35873

Icon 1 posted      Profile for jaycomposer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Err, maybe I should give everyone some background info first. The island where he comes from is a very backward, tribal country where the culture is very different from civilised countries.

I know this probably won't change anything, just trying to say that in his culture there's a different concept of rape, eg, having sex with someone while they're sleeping is not rape if the women agrees to spend the night at your place, if the women agrees to go somewhere with you with the intention to have sex etc.

So while that doesn't change the fact that he's a jerk, he probably doesn't know he's commiting rape.

In fact, by your definition, I am a rapist too. I have raped him before, meaning I have sex with him when he is unconscious ie, too drunk or asleep.

--------------------
We need to educate the Men.

Posts: 7 | From: Singapore | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jaycomposer
Neophyte
Member # 35873

Icon 1 posted      Profile for jaycomposer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
He told me him and his fren once did something nasty to a female classmate.

His fren made her very drunk and get her to kiss him, and while he continues kissing her, my bf is supposed to go quietly and have sex with her while the fren continue to kiss her, making the gal think that she's having sex with the guy she likes when actually it's another guy who's doing it.

Later when the gal became lost consciousness cos too drunk, they took turns to have sex with her. Then they felt that she was too loose for them, so they decided to penetrate her at the same time, one from the front and one from the back, both into the vagina.

The gal woke up at this stage cos probably too painful for her, and she was quite angry but didn't say much and left.

I felt that it was rape, and told him so, but he insisted it wasn't because she knew his fren was gonna have sex with her before she fell asleep. He said he felt pretty disturbed after that, though if he really doesn't think it's rape why would he feel bad?

At that time I thought that the lack of proper sex education for them is probably the cause of the problem, but I know rape is rape regardless of country and education. To him, rape is not a serious crime, but rather a situation where the man wants sex more than the woman, and so the man just gotta convince or lie or force the woman to do it.

The sick part is that it seems natural to him, but I made it clear from the start that if I don't want it, he has no right to force me, which he understands now.

--------------------
We need to educate the Men.

Posts: 7 | From: Singapore | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah, a rapist who denies that he has raped while telling you all the gory details? Sorry, but he didn't USE to be a jerk: he still is one.

(Just FYI? When YOU are going to post his gory details, please do those of us a favor who have survived being raped and warn us you're going to do that, okay? But really, there's usually no reason TO post those details here.)

It's worth noting, that to most rapists, no rape is not a serious crime: rapists have all kinds of ways of justifying why it's okay for them to rape, and how it's not rape. This guy isn't unusual or special in that respect. Too, plenty of rapists who had just fine sex education feel the same way, say the same things. Education can be very helpful in preventing people from becoming rapists, but it's not just sex ed, and education later rarely "fixes" someone who already rapes. The only thing likely to keep him from raping again (and who knows, he may well still be raping for all you know) is fear of getting caught.

And if he feels this way? Then he does NOT understand that he has no right to force you or anyone else. He's just learned the right things to say sometimes.

Again, this person is beyond unsafe, whether for you, or for someone else. Certainly, there are married rapists who don't rape their wives, but just other women, but that still doesn't make him safe for you. The only good advice we could ever give you with someone like this is to stay far, far away.

[ 11-23-2007, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jaycomposer
Neophyte
Member # 35873

Icon 1 posted      Profile for jaycomposer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Just an update, we have broken up and I've changed my contact number so that he can't contact me again.

It's a relief, really. i found out he had been lying about other stuff as well, and it just adds up to the point where I'm sure I'm better off without him.

Thanks for your advice, and I'm sorry for not being sensitive to rape victims by posting the gory details.

I feel much lighter now!

--------------------
We need to educate the Men.

Posts: 7 | From: Singapore | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3