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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » friend issues

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Author Topic: friend issues
headcase90
Neophyte
Member # 36028

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I feel like my life has been crap lately, aside from my depression, I'm having serious issues with friends.

It just seems like I can't keep/make friends. Not only was my ex my girlfriend, she was my best friend who i shared a lot of my life about. The kind of stuff that i didn't share with other people. now that we've broken up she doesn't even want to talk to me. I don't blame her because it was a very very messy, hostile breakup (in part due to my short fuse of late and the fact that she kinda made it seem like i didn't mean anything by starting to date a new guy almost immediately after breaking up with me, and i said some things that probably deserve a swift kick to the groin) but anyway...the point is i would love to be able to talk to her again

Now that I don't have her to talk to I feel like all these issues that I talked about with her are building up inside of me. I tried talking with my only other close friend, especially about the breakup, but he just seemed to immediately side with her. He claimed to be neutral, but everything he said about it criticized me and defended her. Needless to say I am now very upset with him and told him that I cannot be his friend as long as he is going to continue to defend her and criticize me. I told him that when he starts acting like a friend to me I'll be friends with him again, however I don't think that's going to happen cause he seems to think I'm so wrong and my ex is so right.

Now I'm stuck and really lonely with nobody to share stuff that is driving me nuts. I'm horridly introverted (and hate that I am) so I have not made many friends while at college, and now that I'm upset at my friend, i don't have any at home either. I'm just lonely and don't get why i keep driving people away from me (my ex and my friend aren't the only people this seems to be happening with) and i don't get why i can't make friends. I feel like a few friends at school and maybe a girlfriend (tricky as my school has a 3:1 male:female ratio) would help my situation improve leaps and bounds.

i don't really know what i'm asking, i guess just if there's anything i can do to
1) make peace with my ex
2) make peace with my friend (who is a wonderfully forgiving person, but i just don't know if he will)
3) make some friends at college (which will be tough as i'm taking a break for a semester to work and deal with my depression) but it would still be good to know

Posts: 23 | From: US | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
headcase90
Neophyte
Member # 36028

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I could really use some help with this as my current lack of friends/people to talk to about stuff is really starting to get to me and affecting me in just about every way possible
Posts: 23 | From: US | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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One thing I feel is important to say is that friends can still be supportive while being critical. In other words, our friends can say, "I think you were a real jerk to her," and follow that with, "But I still love you and I'm here for you." Friends don't have to, and aren't supposed to always agree with your choices -- and sometimes, they're being friends in calling us out -- but we should still feel that support, and criticism should be constructive.

Per your ex, I think you need to let that go for now. If and when she's ready to be your friend, she'll come to you.

In terms of new friends, why not start with an area of interest? For instance, volunteer jobs can be a great place to meet like-minded people. Same goes with any clubs or orgs at college that meet interests/causes of yours. Sounds to me like it might also be helpful for you to see if your college offers any support groups for students dealing with depression.

Obviously, too, you need to make sure with friends that burdens are shared. In other words, if when you see your friends, most or all of what is going on is you dumping all this pent-up stuff, that will drive people away. No one wants a friend who is basically really seeking a therapist. With friends, you have to not only also be just as supportive with their tough stuff, things can't be all tough stuff all the time, either.

As far as a new girlfriend goes? Romantic and/or sexual relationships aren't medicine. In other words, seeking out a relationship because you think it would help YOU isn't so cool. And it doesn't sound to me like you're in a healthy headspace right now to really do a relationship.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
headcase90
Neophyte
Member # 36028

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yeah, you're definitely right on all counts, I'm just really feeling unsupported right now and college has not been the best experience for me and it's all just really overwhelming, hence why i'm taking a semester off and moving closer to home (i'm interning so not completely out of academics) to get my mental state back where i want it to be. i'm also hoping it will get it so i'm not taking classes with the same people i've been taking classes with for the past 3 semesters and haven't (and at this point probably won't, i'm terrible introverted and feel that at this point they'd be like why did he wait so long to talk to us) gotten to know. I just really want a fresh start at everything.

as far as my friend goes, it wasn't so much him being critical of me (i know full well and have admitted that i was a huge jerk) it was the fact that when she did something jerky (for instance asking me to give back several gifts she gave me while at the same time telling me she wanted to keep some stuff (that had meaning to me) that I had LOANED (not given) to her) he didn't seem to think she was doing anything wrong, in fact he encouraged me to give her back her stuff and forget about my stuff.

as far as my ex, i'm trying my best to forget her, it's just really hard when when i used to spend so much time talking to her and now nothing and i just hate having things end on bad terms

i guess what i meant to say when i wanted a girlfriend and thought that would help i meant that i just would like to have that kind of closeness with somebody again.

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headcase90
Neophyte
Member # 36028

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I think I'm just going to give everybody some time away from me. I'm the one who's the problem, not them. I just need to get my head screwed on straight before I can go about fixing anything no matter how great or small with anybody. Hopefully they'll still want to be friends when I decide to contact them again, if not, then I get to start new I suppose.

I hope things improve for me over the next few weeks, life's really tough as things are now. I hope happy times are on the way, I can't remember the last time I was really happy.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm a bit worried you're hearing this stuff (or thinking about it) as either/or. In other words, either you get support from your friend and your ex, or you get nothing.

And that only needs to be the case if you make it the case. ARE you getting other support right now, such as with a therapist/counselor or through a support group?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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headcase90
Neophyte
Member # 36028

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it's not really either or, it's just who i want and who i don't want support from. as has been pointed out, support from ex is out of the question (foolish of me to think it of a possibility really), and my friend is not being the most supportive on anything at the moment (not his fault, he has his life to live and i'm a burden).

as of right now, i know i have no support from friends, and i just need to get myself back to the point where friends can tolerate me.

i'm not seeing a therapist as this has never helped me much before, and is also difficult for me to do with my schedule both school and work as i will be working full time and the therapist i was seeing is an hour away from where i will be living.

i talk to my parents daily, i'm moving back closer to home (i should be home every weekend or close to that). i'm really quite close to my dad, even if we don't talk about all the crap i'm dealing with, it's just nice to go do stuff i enjoy with him.

i know i'll make it through all this as there is no choice but to get through it all. it's just time for a fresh start for headcase90 and everything is in the works for me to do this

thanks for all you help

Posts: 23 | From: US | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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