Hello, I am a college student who is in a little bit of a jam. Just this year I started to open myself up socially. Before this year, I was reserved and did not let anyone get close. I stood by idly and let life pass me. I have decided to end that and I am more involved in life this year. I am doing more in my church, a club at the school, getting better grades, started working out and exercising, eating better, etc (cleaning up in short). Now, for the issue. Opening up to the world netted me something that I did not bargain for. Someone that I knew before this year now really likes me. This particular person is sort-of clingy. This person admitted to being the touchy-feely type. I am aware that this person's home life leaves a lot to be desired and that could be the cause of the aforementioned "cliny-ness" (if there is such a word). My problem is that I only wish to be friends with this person and this radically contradicts their agenda. I may have made several "mistakes" during the process which has led to where I am now. I have tried to help this person as much as I can because of the situation they are in. I have taken this person out to eat a few times, taken them where the needed to go, bought them things that they have needed for classes and overall just tried to do the right thing and help. I have been told that my "problem" is that I was too nice. Most people in my situation would only do this because they have an ulterior motive (sex mostly...), I just wanted to help (I can say that honestly and truthfully). I am the type who gets attached to people (not wanting a serious relationship) and feel compelled to help them any way that I can no matter who they are or how long I have known them. Anyway, I told this person recently how I felt and this person stayed up part of the night crying. I did not fall asleep quickly either. The next day we talked about it and we ended up in good standing. This person did ask however that I at least think about a relationship. I realize I should have axed it right then and there, but I couldn't do it... I would have ruined their day and ultimately looked like a jerk to everyone this person talked to the rest of the day. It just gets better. We have been talking roughly an hour each night and this person get closer every time that we are near each other. This person first held my hand (which is what made me talk to them initially), and since then this person continues to gradually get closer. I have told this person about personal space and my insatiable need for it. At this point I have no idea what to do. There are a few other factors that I have to deal with personally that nothing can be done about. (Mostly the fact that I really like a person who is already in a relationship. I think I would do anything for a chance to have a close relationship with this person.) My biggest concern is that I am most likely going to have to interact with this person for the next two and a half years (graduate from college). She is also in the same major, so that doesn't help a whole lot. At the time that I finished writing this it is 5 A.M. in the morning. I have been up since 11 P.M. thinking about this...
Anyhow, I just need some opinions:
1.) Have I did anything wrong? From what I have stated here, did I do ANYTHING wrong?
2.) How do I tactfully prevent something that I do not want (a closer relationship)? I have never had to deal with this before.
3.) Anything else that you would find constructive would be greatly appreciated.
God Bless, Janus
Posts: 6 | From: Not Important | Registered: Apr 2007
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I can't see that you've done much wrong at all, but your not being fully clear that you weren't going to consider a relationship may have sparked a little too much hope, and I would suggest that you clear that up by perhaps telling them that you're happy with friendship and that you don't want anything different.
You've obviously helped this person a lot, and it's a shame that anyone would tell you that you can ever be "too nice", because really there should be no assumptions made by how kind you are about sexual motives. It'd be extremely cynical to see the world like that, I don't buy it.
So in terms of being too nice, you've done nothing wrong and even you've done something actually very good and caring, which the world could do with a lot more of.
But when it comes to not wanting to have a relationship, you seem to say that you haven't made that clear... and you need to. Long nightly long phone calls probably aren't the thing if you feel suffocated by this person, so I'd cut them out as much as possible.
If after that, and if it's clear to them that you don't want them stepping into your personal space yet they still do, and are making you feel awkward and bad, maybe you could think about your own well being and happiness, put yourself first, and spend less time with them.
I'd guess they'd also become less attached if they had more of a chance to chat to other people.
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