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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » boyfriend problems

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Author Topic: boyfriend problems
cool87
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Member # 29292

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I kinda am in a dilemma at this point and I thought maybe you guys could help me with this.

The thing is that we have decided my partner and I not so long ago to take a break from sex. He told me that he was okay with it and he did seem okay with it, well at least at first. He was really supportive. But now, I can't really say so. Sure, he's still supportive but I just get the impression that he's becoming more and more impatient and that he's going to look elsewhere if the situation doesn't change soon. And I'm just concerned about this in particular. And that, too, does lead me to feel pressure somehow to start becoming sexually active with him again.

This also just suck. Like we don't even really cuddle or sleep in the same bed anymore or do stuff like that because he says it's difficult for him to not have any sexual activity after and well he doesn't want to put any pressure on me so he tries to avoid anything like that. But well I know he's got two hands and he can control himself .... It just would be nice sometimes to do that when we meet, especially since we don't really get to see ourselves a lot.

I'm just....well I just don't know what to do. I don't really know how to approach that situation.

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey there, cool.

One thing I'm seeing in all of this is no differentiation between sex and general physical affection -- certainly the latter can be part of sex, or related to sex, but it also often isn't. And sleeping generally isn't related to sex at all, sparing that it can be physically and emotionally intimate.

So, I'd suggest talking about that, and also making sure that he's not perhaps trying to withhold something from you he knows you like because he sees you as withholding something from him which he does.

That all said, if you don't want to be having sex with someone, you shouldn't be having sex with someone. That's stating the obvious, I know, but it really is that simple. And if it doesn't feel right for you to be having sex, then having it is a bad idea -- if that means that the nature of a relationship you're in needs to change (in other words, that maybe your boyfriend and you should talk about moving into a friendship rather than a sexual relationship), then doing that is bound to be a lot healthier for you than having sex because it's the only way to keep a partner around.

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cool87
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quote:
That all said, if you don't want to be having sex with someone, you shouldn't be having sex with someone.
I don't know whether it's about me not wanting to have sex with him or more about me simply not having sex with anyone right now because it just might just not be the right or healthiest thing to do at this point, you know. Cause sure there are time when I feel like I want to have sex with him but I just don't.

I think he's fully aware that sleeping in the same bed or well cuddling doesn't have to lead to sex/be about sex. I get the impression that the problem is more about him having difficulties controlling his sexual urges. Like sometimes he seems to forget that we are like'' on a sex break'' and he just stop when he realize that or well he'd tell me that he's sorry. I know he means well, I know this can be difficult for him but at the same time, that may seem a tad weird but I am just wondering sometimes why he'd like to have sex with me when he knows that might not be the best thing for me to have sex with him right now you know (because like in part that might not feel so good for me), when he knows that might be better for me not to. I don't know if you get what I'm trying to say. It's like I'm just wondering if that is normal or if that's mostly because he cares more about his own needs than about me kinda.

And yeah, I'm probably not going to have sex with him just because he wants to have sex (to keep him around), because that just doesn't feel right to me. I'll try to be assertive and stick to my guns [Wink] .

[ 09-23-2007, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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Whether it's about you not wanting to have sex with him specifically, or with anyone, it's still you not wanting to have sex right now, if I understand you.

And if that's the case, then trying to make yourself do so to keep a partner isn't a good idea. (Really, having sex just to try and keep a partner is never a good idea, but that's beside the point.)

I think it's maybe wirth figuring that if he's never been in the situation where he doesn't want to have sex himself, it's going to be hard for him to understand why you don't. That doesn't justify him "forgetting" you're not (come on), rather, I'm saying that because I hear you saying you don't get why he doesn't get it. But if it's far afield of his personal experiences, then that's likely a big part of why he doesn't get it.

So, maybe you two just need to have another conversation about WHY you don't want to, in hopes he might better understand? I'd also express voicing that it isn't easy for you either -- that you wanting to would obviously create less conflict than is going on now, that you not wanting to makes you worried you'll lose a partner you don't want to lose, and that, like anyone else, you'd love to be having a satisfying sex life right now.

I'm not remembering what the issues were about this not feeling good for you right now. In other words, if this is all about sex just not being pleasurable with this partner, then obviously, you'll also want to be sure you're talking about that, too.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cool87
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quote:
I'm not remembering what the issues were about this not feeling good for you right now. In other words, if this is all about sex just not being pleasurable with this partner, then obviously, you'll also want to be sure you're talking about that, too.
It's not really about sex not feeling good with THAT particular partner, it's more about me simply not being really comfortable with/during sex, mostly intercourse, in general. I'm working on this but while I'm working on it, it's just been suggested to me to take a small break from sex.

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cool87
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Well, anyway I'll have this talk with him.

Thanks Heather !

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