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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » wondering what to do..

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Author Topic: wondering what to do..
din007
Neophyte
Member # 29796

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ok my guy is pretty private about his things and recently told me he's finding out little things about me which annoy him. im a leo so im fun loving, out going, he's cancer so he's pretty pensive and thinks very deep about things like there's no tomorrow. he says little things seem to build up and he suddenly gives me a random mean comments which leave me feeling horribly hurt. i keep tellin him to tel me what bothers him (like i tel him) coz we need good communication but he says no, that the little things are actually really silly stuff, and that its his problem.and he is what he is. and that i deserv someone who wont be mean, someone who can appreciate the little anooyances. somethin like that.

I luv him a lot and I've learnt a lot about life and about myself by being with him. and he doesnt want to let go either.

and i cant let go. not that im scared but he seems like the real thing, but he never gives me 100% because of these little annoyances in me he finds (apparenly)...i dont feel this relationship is stable..coz one moment i feel we are ok and then he says he feels that i can do better. as in be with someone more compatible. sumone like me. now i sooo do not agree with this as i believe in tolerance and working things out ..and hell, even soul mates have their issues. but how can i make him talk. he is so adamant and stubborn..its so hard and its driving me nuts. like today he went for a business meeting with his friends (actually its like a big guys day out) and we were supposed to meet up to talk. and he's gotten so late coz he's all caught up in the chatting. I just dont get it..im so upset and i want to figure things out and now he's out lunching. how can i get him to talk and lay it all out on the table!?? its driving me crzy!

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din007
Neophyte
Member # 29796

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and IF i say "hey thats mean...it hurt me" ..he doesnt sympathese...he says something like..see..u need someone who wont hurt u. he's also convinced he's the bad guy and he deservs to be alone coz he hates to hurt ppl. but all im sayin is to talk and communicate!
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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He's being passive-aggressive. saying 'you need someone who won't hurt you," rather than addressing that what he is saying is hurtful, and seeking to change his behaviour is him refusing to actually be accountable and really work on the relationship.

Thing is, you can't make anyone work on something they just don't want to, nor can you make someone change their behaviour. Certainly, you can point out that responding that way is only avoiding the issue, and make clear that you need that issue addressed, not avoided, but if he isn't responding to that, there's really nothing else to do.

It's hard to suss out the whole of your relationship problems beyond the obvious communication issue, so I don't know what it's like overall. But if your partner is name-calling, saying cruel things to you -- being verbally abusive -- then really? he's right. You DO need -- evertone does -- to only be with partners who aren't verbally abusive.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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din007
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we broke up yesterday. [Frown] he said its better to break up now rather than later when we start hating each other. and anyway i too need to figure out what i want and how to give back to someone i love. because he says he had not felt it.

i guess in a way this is for the best. but part of me wishes i was mature enuf to realize what he needed. sigh. i cant believe its over. it still hasn't hit me..i love him too much..

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din007
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oh and he was never abusive. just very blunt. he knew if was a weakness on his part. and he said he needs to change and develop himself and he never can as long as he's with me. and I'll never grow up and figure out what i want as long as he's explaining everything to me and 'spoon feeding". I think it was a big sacrifice he made for both of us. Coz he loved me a lot and separating for the benefit for both of us is amazin on his part. am i right to think this?
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm pretty much the queen of blunt. I know from blunt.

Namecalling isn't bluntness: namecalling is verbal abuse. And calling it anything else, or just saying "Well, that's the way I am, you need to deal with that" is a pile of hooey. Unless, that is, he's saying just a verbal abuser. To boot, this is the same guy who a bit ago was also telling you how to dress? Again, that's control, and control is all about abuse.

And he could choose to change while being with you: he just didn't want to. (Ans saying he's spoon-feeding you or raising you as if you were his kid is insulting as hell.)

I don't think he's being some sort of wonderful saint here, especially since he seems to be putting blame on you in doing so. But I do agree that since you weren't able to walk away from this, he certainly did you a favor in leaving.

[ 06-24-2007, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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din007
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no its not the same guy. anyway ...after a few conversations we got back together and had a few great weeks and the same thing happened again!! he gave me a few hints about what he thought annoys me and what needs to be in the woman he wants to b with. sigh... well..i tried..and i just don't realize it. i don't. i feel like a loser becuz of this. and i know i shudnt. coz everyone has their own capacity and maybe someone else can appreciate me the way i am. but i dunno...he seems to be the real thing. its basically how i handle things and how i react and about me not respecting him. i dunno half of it..coz i really do NOT understand. and i know nothing is wrong with me... just what i have is not enuf for him i guess. and he's stubborn and doesn't want to do the 'big bro' thing and explain it to me. my friends say i cant go on like this ...that its bad for my self-esteem but i wish wish wish he could tell me what they are and help us grow together. but he says (and i agree)that it is way too embarrassing, him spoon feeding me. I'm confused. i need to let go i know..for him to be happy (altho he's miserable without me too) and this is the best thing for both of us to be happy in the long run. im just moping around the house. seeing couples make me want to run up to them and ask...what what? what is it that makes it work??! Why dont i have it??! ok im calm .. [Smile] ...any answers for that heather? im not doing too well. [Frown]
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KittenGoddess
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I'm going to be totally blunt as well here...exactly NONE, 0% of what you've said here sounds like "the real thing."

Somebody who is a good partner won't make you feel bad about little annoyances. Heck, they won't hint around about the things that are problems either, they'll come right out and discuss the things that are REAL problems. And frankly, good partners don't expect us to make personality changes just to suit their particular idea of a "perfect partner." And if he can't get over that, then that's his problem, not yours. You are not some 'Stepford wife,' who's only goal is to mold herself into something that satisfies a partner.

I'll be completely honest with you here, you don't sound like the immature one in this relationship, he does. He's the one who won't communicate. He's the one who is apparently embarrassed about explaining his feelings. That's not a mature partner or somebody who's ready for a real relationship. He chooses instead to try to manipulate the situation by being passive aggressive and frankly mean to you. Anybody who's been in a healthy relationship will tell you that open communication and explaining how you feel and what you need...and then making reasonable compromises that don't involve either person trying to pretend to be somebody they're not...is crucial to having a good relationship. There's nothing embarrassing about talking about things. And if this guy thinks that he's going to find a relationship with a partner who will psychically know his wants and needs 24-hours a day and will conform exactly to his ideals...well then he's not only immature, but more than a bit delusional as well. That's not realistic, and it's not mature.

Ultimately, my answer is the same as Heather's. His behavior is not cool and you deserve to be treated better. You clearly want to communicate and want to have a mature relationship, this partner is not going to give that to you right now. Staying in this relationship is not likely to make you feel better, only worse.

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Sarah Liz

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din007
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i know ur right. as much as it hurts hurts hurts....im just gonna let go. thank u so much for your time.
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din007
Neophyte
Member # 29796

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hi again..

im just wondering...i have a close friend.. he considers me the fun rough and tough girl. we work together and when we went on our annual office trip we just had a mock wrestling fight..in front of a lot of other friends and its not that he picks specifically on me. he happens to be a best friend of my ex. so we never felt wierded out.
now while talking to my ex about what went wrong, one example he gave was this. the fact than someone he would prefer to be with would NEVR 'wrestle'..that its just wrong. and he compared me to two other friends of his who are frankly the most fussyest most annoying girlfriends i have met. but apparetly they have that 'something' which make ppl.. just u know...not screw wit them.. and they are taken seriosly. and they also are headstong and know their place.

I am SO angry with him for saying that to me, and not appriciating the good things in me. i hate those girls SO much it hurts. and i dont want to becuz its realy not healthy. :/ but i do. i hate them with everybone in my body. i hate them for being so imperfect but yet having guys who adore them with those inperfections. and the fact that their relationships work.

ok...is it him? or is it me...is it true that we girls have to kinda keep a certain distance or is it just his prob??

im sertainly more careful now...i really appriciate all he tells in me in a way...but really..sometimes..i really wonder y i take this crap. because i could find a million others who would LOVE me so much. but this boy makes sense of madness. argh!

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din007
Neophyte
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also i hate the fact that THEY get to hang out with him. coz every sat morning...his friends come over to watch movies and they tag along.

Its so unfair. when we were going out i never got to go. and it hurts me SO much that these byatches (sorry).. get to. they get to hang around and go clubbing and to dinners at freinds and god knows what. i knwo i SO need to get over this. just coz im kicked out of one gang for obvious reasons dsnt mean i need to act like a loser. but ryt now...im hating ...SO much that its scary.

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-Jill
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As stated before, he sounds like a loser and it's great that you no longer have to put up with that. And since you don't have to put up with it, why are you? It sounds like he's still trying to make you feel bad about yourself so I think you should cut off contact with him completely. No calls, IMing, texting, MySpace, visits, letters, smoke signals, etc.

There is nothing to appreciate about what he's telling you. Honestly, it just sounds controlling to me. Wrestling with a friend does not automatically disqualify you for being treated well in a relationship. There are certainly people out there capable of loving you just the way you are and will have enough respect for you to let your imperfections go, without feeling the need to treat you badly because of them. Obviously this guy is not one of those people so he doesn't need to be involved in your life.

One last thing, I'm really worried about how you're thinking of these other girls. It sounds like you're blaming them for things that just aren't their fault. The fact that your ex is treating them better than he did you is not something they have any control over. It's really not acceptable to speak so hatefully of people just because they have, through no malicious effort, something you want. Try not to misplace your hurt and anger like this.

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“I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.” --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

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din007
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thanks..
Posts: 24 | From: SL | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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