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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How to start communication about sex?

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Author Topic: How to start communication about sex?
zazie
Neophyte
Member # 35039

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I've been with my boyfriend for seven months and in many ways, things are lovely. However, we haven't really talked about sex, and I think, from reading the Readiness Checklist etc. it's important we communicate about it healthily, and start to do so pretty soon. To be honest, I feel pretty stupid the relationship has been going on for so long without us talking about this.

This is my first proper relationship, and I feel a little uncomfortable talking about sex, which I obviously need to get over, but I'm not sure where to start. He hasn't brought it up either, and I'm not sure why. Maybe for similar reasons as me, but maybe because it's not something he's interested in now/with me/for whatever reason, and when I talk to him about it, I don't want to make it feel like pressure to do it.

How do I start communication about this without making him feel pressured? Also, I don't feel ready just yet and think we should talk a lot about it first, but am concerned if I bring it up he might think that means I'm ready right now.

Thanks for any help.

Posts: 3 | From: UK | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm just finishing a piece on this for the site adapted from the book this week, alas. Wish I had it for you now!

But it might be best to start here by figuring out what you want to start talking about, per what aspect of sex.

In other words, is that even on the horizon at all yet? If it's not, then it may not be necessary to start talking about it exactly, though you certainly could talk about things that will come into play if and when sex does enter the picture. Things like how to share responsibility, for instance, how to mediate conflict together, how to work out limits and boundaries, etc.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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First off it is really great that you have decided to start communicating with your partner about sex. It is normal and okay to feel a little nervous about doing so, especially in your first relationship, but once you start talking to him about your feelings you may find he has been thinking very similar things to you. If you are not ready it is important that you let him know, it is important you both are ready before you go ahead and start a sexual relationship.

If you think it will make him uncomfortable to talk about it in a sit down and discuss it kind of situation, you can always bring it up at a time when you are in a safe and casual place where neither of you will feel pressured to do anything. Remember too, that you dont have to do anything you are not ready to do, and niether does your partner, so communicating with him that you really are not feeling ready to start a sexual relationship with him is a really good idea for now, and you never know he may be feeling just the way you are.

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zazie
Neophyte
Member # 35039

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Thanks so much for your help.

I suppose the aspects of it I want to talk about are if it’s something he’s interested in doing (at some point, not just now), STI tests, contraception and so on, at some stage. It’s just what to say when raising the subject initially that I’m struggling with.

What I’m hoping for, and I don’t know if this is realistic, is that we’ll be able to get it so that talking about sex will be just as comfortable as talking about any other topic. Cos at the moment it feels a bit taboo or something for me, and I don’t think it should be that way. And it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot, so it feels strange that we haven’t talked about it at all, so I want to feel like it’s something we can talk about.

Is it on the horizon? Well, I’d like it to be. I think it’s some way off, but I’d like to feel it’s something we’re heading towards together. I think in other aspects of the relationship we communicate well and have done a good job of dealing with conflict etc. and I’m really proud of this, so in a way talking about sex shouldn’t be any different, but it is.

The sexual activity we have had (heavy petting, kissing, nothing beyond that) has always been pleasurable and comfortable, but we’ve just sort of done it, rather than talking about it in advance, and I don’t think we can approach intercourse in the same way

It’s good to know the book deals with this—I’ve ordered it from amazon but it’ll take a few weeks to get here

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I don't think it's unrealistic to aim for being able to talk about sex as comfortably as anything else. I *di* think that's often a very long-term goal for most people, not because of anything in their relationships, but just because so few people have been reared to be able to talk about sex that comfortably with anyone, even in their own heads.

But what it sounds like to me with you right now is that it sort of feels like the elephant in the room, and it's understandable that that's not ideal.

I also think we don't really have to ALWAYS talk about every kind of sex in advance -- we can talk about it before, even during, afterwards, what have you. But you're right: once more risks are involved, it certainly has to be talked about in greater depth and in a different way.

So, I might suggest that you just open conversation by acknowledging that it feels weird to you not to have talked about it at all yet, and to make clear that you want to. You can say that you don't intended to intimate that you want any given thing just yet, or that he should feel he should, or feel pressured to do anything you aren't already doing. You can say that it's been a topic you've been thinking about, and that you'd really like to start talking about aspects of it that are important to the both of you in advance so that you have a great foundation for sexual communication built if and when you DO get there.

Too, you should feel free to open that communication in whatever way is most comfortable for you. For some people, for instance, writing a letter might feel more comfortable to start than opening verbally: whatever way feels best to you, and/or you have the idea will be most comfy for your partner is the right thing.

(Sounds to me, though, like you're going to cae this, honestly.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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