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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Can a guy be THAT clueless?

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Author Topic: Can a guy be THAT clueless?
Marzipanapple
Neophyte
Member # 31398

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Ok, so here's the situation:

I've been dating a guy about 7 years my senior (I'm 23) for about 5 months now. He's awesome. He's sweet, intelligent, has a good work ethic, has a lot in common with me, and has a lovely, closely-knit circle of friends(who are my friends too).

He's never dated before me.(REMEMBER: He's 31! I'm not sure if this matters..but just in case.) He's used to being on his own. I'm fairly sure I was his first kiss. I've pretty much been the initiator for all things physical(He's not shy, he just didn't know how to start it I guess). I asked for the first kiss, I started the first 'french kiss', I start the cuddling.

Now, onto the problem:

While I have no problem that I was the instigator on kisses/hugs/cuddlings, I DO have a problem with the fact that he doesn't do any of this on his own. The only time he's ever begun anything was when he asked to hold my hand (I was elated!) a couple months ago. After that? Nothing. That's not the worst part though. After all, he responds positively when I give him lovins', so I'm not worried about that too much. However, am I wrong to assume that no matter HOW inexperienced you are in relationships, that if you LIKE someone that you naturally want to be around them? I'm sure it depends on the person, but even the biggest loner, when he/she likes someone, wants to be around the other person right?

I don't want to automatically assume this as common sense because it may just be how I feel...but I still feel that it IS common sense. When you like something, you naturally want more of it, right? When you like someone, you want to give them affection, right?

Even if you're 31 and have never dated...when you find someone you like, you want to make sure they know it, right?

I just can't figure out if he's trying to break it off slowly or what. I plan on asking him myself what he thinks of the relationship(I don't plan on accusing or blaming. I just plan on asking where he thinks we're going). I just wanted to know what YOU guys think of a man who supposedly likes a girl but will not show her physical (or even verbal) affection. It's been 5 months. I certainly hope he gives me some answers.

Posts: 12 | From: Alabama | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, not dating at all until 31 is really pretty late in the game.

So, it's unsurprising he's not so great with the initiating. before leaping to the idea that something is wrong with the relationship per his behaviour, I'd start by looking/talking more about why he did get to dating so late in the game. For instance, if he has issues with socializing, any sort of social disabilities, or he's generally very fearful or shy about sex and/or physical affection, these are likely reasons for his reluctance, and certainly things you should talk about for both of your sakes.

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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Marzipanapple
Neophyte
Member # 31398

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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
I'd start by looking/talking more about why he did get to dating so late in the game. For instance, if he has issues with socializing, any sort of social disabilities, or he's generally very fearful or shy about sex and/or physical affection, these are likely reasons for his reluctance, and certainly things you should talk about for both of your sakes.

Thank you for that advice. Even though I'm fairly sure I already know the cause of his lack of dating, I might go ahead and ask him anyway just to be sure. Both he and his brother are the same way (and his brother is VERY sociable). Neither of them dates because they've never met any girls they're interested in (my boyfriend is pretty much a homebody). It's pretty hard for either of them to find the time to go looking for a girl because of work and hang-out time with friends (and my boyfriend isn't the type to go looking anyway..he's definitely no extrovert). He has no problem making friends however. Even with girls. I just don't think he's ever had the desire to go any further than friendship with any of them.

What you're saying though makes a lot of sense to me...there are a lot of common sense things I thought I had covered that I think I should probably go back over. Especially *with* him. So I'm just going to talk it out with him. Ask him some things that I probably needed to ask him a long time ago. :\

Posts: 12 | From: Alabama | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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