I know this is stupid but earlier this week me and my boyfriend got in a arguement, this sadly led to a fight because I disagreed with him. In the end he said he thought I wasn't paying enough attention to him in are conversations and that I should let him finish before I put my input. It was a dumb fight and he was mad because he thought I was trying to tell him he was wrong, when I was trying to debate a topic and saying he shouldn't generalize things so much. Anywho, he eventually got really mad and walked away, then told me of how he felt like everyone was against him and how his friends were betraying him lately, he cried. I sat there hugging him for a while, rubbing circles on his back and telling him I was there for him. Well, ever since he opened up I feel like I am sortof falling in love with him. Problem is he thinks because he opened up it's a bad thing. I told him he shouldn't feel bad and that I was honered he trusted me enough to show his emotions too. But I am afraid he feels his male ego is bruised and will try to avoid ever being emotional again and try to build distance from it, and I don't want him to do that because when he opens up I feel I really can love him. When he is raw and shows himself I do love him but when he closes down I am confused and he is like a stranger. What should I do? Is it horrible that I started to fall in love with him over a fight? Am I messed up? Is this sick?
Posts: 198 | From: Ca, USA | Registered: Dec 2005
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Absolutely not. By witnessing him that emotional, you've broken through to his inner core. You've now seen the whole picture. You've now seen all of him. You've now seen him at his worst. Falling in love with him after he's been yelling at you and being there for him as he broke down not only shows how strong of a bond the two of you share but says a lot about you as a person also. He seems very lucky to have you.
I remember falling for my ex the first time I saw her cry. We shared a very tender and emotional which made our relationship a lot deeper than it had been previously. The problem is, I enjoyed the moment too much and kept longing for those more like it. I wanted all our time together to be us talking about how much we mean to each other and filled with emotions and such. I became so hooked on the idea that I forgot to have fun. We never seemed to have fun together anymore and eventually it led to the demise of our relationship. I'm not saying that will happen but keep those moments unique and special and don't forget to have a little fun every now and then.
As far as defending his male ego goes, I'm afraid I can't help ya there...
Posts: 28 | From: DC | Registered: May 2007
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Kiwi have you explained this to him as you have to us?
I don't think you're sick or messed up at all. You're worried about taking pleasure in his pain, but when you look at it, you were actually taking pleasure in him opening up, and that's a good thing, I'm sure you would have felt the same if he was opening up about something that made him happy (it's less likely he'd suppress that kind of thing, though it does happen).
There's an issue that he feels he should lock himself up to protect this assumed-"male ego" you mention. And it's worse that after having let go of it for a moment you believe he's now going to try and enforce it further. Things like this can really make communication in your relationship difficult, and if it's possible, I'd try hard to explain to him that you really do love the real him, and he doesn't need to squeeze his emotions away.
If you explain how you feel about it, and how good you feel about him letting go of his barriers, he may agree with you, and start feeling more comfortable to open up.
Unfortunately of the men i know, it's very much a social norm and a majority problem, It is a very tough thing to get through, and it may not be something you can solve. It's actually of his own insecurities, and if he never agrees that letting out his emotions is a good thing, I'm afraid there's nothing you on your own can do about it.
If he doesn't let it affect other parts of your relationship, you can be there for him, having let him know how comfortable you are without this hard-shell persona and over time he he may start feeling less vulnerable about showing his emotions. He may, however, not be ready, or maybe he may be able to live happily in this relationship with his shell intact. But that would have to be something you'd be happy with too, to work.
All the best from me in working this out with him!
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