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Author Topic: What to do?
Cashmere
Neophyte
Member # 25469

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Hey everyone, this is my first time posting, I just need a little advice or maybe a place to vent.
I'm really worried about my relationship with my boyfriend—we've been together for around six months or so and I'm afraid I don't love him any more. I guess if this is the case I should just break up with him but I still really enjoy his company and I really, really don't want to hurt him. He is one of the most incredible guys I've ever met, let alone dated, but he's way more infatuated with me than I think I was even at the start. I don't know what to do, and I'm pretty badly confused as to what I'm feeling. I don't want to throw this away because he still makes me happy and I'm mostly sure he is, I just feel dishonest because I don't think we're on the same level feelings wise. How do you tell someone you're falling out of love with them? He's noticed that we've stopped having sex so much, and I used to jump his bones all the time. Now, I'm just less aroused; not because he isn't gorgeous but because I'm not all there/really worried about what's going on in my own head. I know I need to tell him, but don't know how to without hurting him (or at least minimizing the emotional damage). Of course, obsessing about this isn't helping my mood or how I'm acting around him. I wish I could figure out what I'm feeling. Do I love him? Can I stay with him even if I don't? *sigh* I miss the single life, at least then I wouldn't feel so accountable.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KittenGoddess
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Member # 1679

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How long have you been feeling like this? I ask because there are natural ups and downs in relationships where we may feel more or less attracted to our partner. So as relationships progress, it's not unusual to pass out of that frantic, puppy-love phase and begin focusing more on other types of connection (typically a deepening of the friendship can go with that). It's possible that you're just experiencing a natural flux in the relationship and obsessing about it is getting you into a worry-cycle that's making more of it than it is.

However, it's also possible that your own feelings really have changed to an extent that a romantic relationship just really isn't what you want with him anymore. If you've been feeling this way for a long time, then I'd guess that maybe this just isn't working for you. Have you talked to him at all yet about your concerns?

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Sarah Liz

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Cashmere
Neophyte
Member # 25469

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It's been like this for maybe 2 weeks? But I think you're probably right; we've still been acting like 24-7 puppy love and that may be making me want more space. I've kind of brought up my concerns, but it's really really difficult to say "well, I'm worried I don't love you any more. 'kay?" But hopefully this is just an ebb in the natural order of things. Thank you so much!
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KittenGoddess
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1679

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Maybe instead of saying "I'm worried that I don't love you anymore," you might want to ask if he's experiencing anything similar to what you're feeling. Because if you're feeling a bit less connected, there's at least a decent chance that he's feeling that way too. That would allow you to talk about it.

Also, you can couch it in terms like, "It really feels like our relationship is changing right now. It almost feels less connected that it did before. Are there things that we can do to make sure that we still maintain that connection?" That way it's something that you're both aware of AND that you can work on.

And really, in the end, isn't it MORE awkward if you don't talk about it? Unless your partner is totally oblivious to everything, he's likely to eventually notice that something isn't right. And then, this becomes the elephant in the room that makes everyone uncomfortable...because nobody REALLY knows what's going on or is willing to talk about it. So while brining it up may be weird at first, it's probably better in the long run.

So I'd suggest continuing that conversation, actively working on the relationship, and really just riding it out for a while longer. Two weeks is a fairly short time in the grand scheme of things. If you're still feeling like this in another 2 weeks - month or if you actually start feeling worse about it, then I'd really start worrying about whether it's time to move on.

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Sarah Liz

Posts: 7316 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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