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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Work past it, or are we just not compatible?

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Author Topic: Work past it, or are we just not compatible?
limesparxx
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So this year, my Junior year, has been the first time ever that I've had a boyfriend, and we've now been together for 5+ months. But lately he has some weird quirks that are showing up really often now. About a month or two ago, he started picking fights and choosing to be deeply hurt about the most inane things. Sorry in advance, this is partly a request for advice and partly a rant fest! Sometimes you just need to get it out, y'know? =)

On a field trip, we were sitting together, holding hands on the bus..my favorite teacher looked over the seat and startled, I pulled my hand away from my bf. I'll admit, that would be a normal annoyance for anyone, but it didn't seem worth him ignoring me and being cold for the three hour tour of a college and the hour ride back.

Similar sit., in the movies, while he was basically getting very "friendly" with his hands, I shifted in my seat (not to stop him, just find a more comfortable position in the chair) and then he refused to talk to me after the movie before claiming that I had "rejected him," and he wanted to "torture me" by not talking.

Today, he brought up a joke we had mutually laughed about a month ago about "pimping" (sorry about the crude word) him out on halloween for thirty cents, and then, still smiling, he suddenly accused me of saying he was cheap and he refused to kiss me until I apologized. Or another time, I was late to meet him at lunch during school, b/c my friends invited me to get lunch with them off campus, (there was no way to go find him and tell him w/out making my friends wait) and again, guess what, he was cold and unresponsive, "Well, I had something I was going to tell you now, but since you were late, you'll have to wait until Monday."
It seems I have to be very careful about not offending him these days. Some background about us, he's Eastern European, he only moved to this country 3 years ago, and he's generally not a talkative person (b/c he still needs to translate words in his head). When it's good with him, it's great, he's a lot of fun, he has a good sense of humor, and he's up for anything. But he's also pretty sensitive, and prone to insecurity/jealousy. I'm very talkative, I'd like to say I'm easy going since the same things that bug him would not be blips on my radar. I'm probably pretty annoying sometimes, because I have to be incredibly persistent with questions or words or otherwise, he wouldn't talk for an extended time on his own.

The last straw before I felt I had to ask for advice was this Sunday, when I went over to his house, and this time, for no reason, he didn't seem to want to do anything with me but didn't want me to leave, and became cold, and shrugged to every question or conversation starter for hours. Finally he just got up without a word and left me alone in the living room. I debated just calling my mom and leaving, but decided to stick it out and join him. Upstairs, he asked me into a different room so we could make out, but once in there, I instead just burst into tears. I rarely cry, so this was a big thing. I can only remember two other times I've cried this year. He apologized like crazy and said I was "cuter" after I'd cried, but then today it was just back to the same annoying thing, the silly argument about him being "cheap." I told him at his house after I cried that I had been thinking of just going home, because I was upset and upset people make irrational decisions. He said, "It's a good thing you didn't leave. If you had left, I would have been angry at you. Actually, REALLY angry. I wouldn't have talked to you for a week."

I dislike this constant arguing about ridiculous things, where the only two options to make a fight end are to either apologize and make it end immediately, or ignore it until it's eventually forgotten. What is the best response to this game of his, one that will make him quit? And what is the best response too for when a bf responds to nothing conversationally? Are these problems ones that can be fixed? And does this count as being somewhat abusive?

Posts: 18 | From: USA | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
dailicious
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Oh, hon, honestly? This relationship sounds incredibly unhealthy for you.

No matter how sweet your boyfriend may be on some occasions does not by any means excuse how incredibly immature and manipulative he is being.

In healthy and mature relationships, two people discuss disagreements in a civil, adult manner. If he were irritated by something you said or did, he should TALK to you about how he is feeling, say things like, "Hey, that comment you made really hurt my feelings, and I'd appreciate if you wouldn't talk like that again in the future."
or "Hey, why did you move, is it something I did?"

A language barrier is NOT by ANY means an excuse for crummy behavior.

Also? With him saying things like he wants to TORTURE you by not talking, and "It's a good thing you didn't leave. If you had left, I would have been angry at you. Actually, REALLY angry. I wouldn't have talked to you for a week." - that's manipulative and incredibly unhealthy and IS a controlling behavior.

In my opinion? I can't see this being at all good for you either in the short term or in the long run, and I'd say it would be best for you to just ditch this guy. If you absolutely have to talk to him about it, I recomend just being very straightforward, saying something like: "I feel like the way you act when you are angry with me is immature and manipulative; if you want to be in a relationship with me, we need to be able to talk when we have disagreements, and you need to tell me when you are upset with me."

But honestly? I'd put money on him reacting in the exact same way he's acted so far, and there is no reason you need to take that.

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Posts: 3382 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ladydexter
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Know what else is setting off the sirens for me?

The fact that he got angry at you for moving in the seat when he was feeling around.

If he claims that you're "rejecting him" that easy, it would be so, so easy for that to degrade into blackmail for sex - the age old "IF you loved me, you would!" argument.

This relationship is just all over yelling BAD NEWS. There shouldn't be a need to "torture" in a good relationship, or to make someone cry just because they look "cuter". I wouldn't even try to fix this one, to be honest, just get shot of this guy. If he's like this now, he will most likely become more abusive as he gets away with it without you leaving him.

Posts: 336 | From: Manchester, UK | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
acs79
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So...he got mad at you when you moved in your seat, and after not talking to you all he wanted to do was make out, and after you cried, instead of comforting you and discussing what's going on, he commented on your physical appearance?

On top of this, he consistently punishes you, looks for things that you do wrong, and withholds affection (physical and emotional).

This is an emotionally abusive relationship, and, to be honest, it probably will not get any better, especially since he is unwilling to discuss things. I was in a similar situation, with constant punishing, anger, and blame, and even dated the guy twice, convincing myself that things were so great when he would actually talk to me that the other 90% was all worth it. It's taken me years to recover.

In other words: get out. Chances are low that it will get better, and the longer you stay in, the more damage that it will do to you. Find someone who cares about you, and invest yourself in that relationship, instead of miserably tiptoeing around this guy.

Posts: 47 | From: USA | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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