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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Trying

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Author Topic: Trying
Member # 34126

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My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year now. When it started, as I am sure most relationships start, we were very intimate and passionate with one another in every aspect of our time together. We always made each other feel great about who we were and just about being with someone who loved you as much as you loved them. Apart from our incredible emotional connection, we were always in tune physically. It seemed as though everything we did was perfect and that we fit with each other so well. However, since we started attending college (different ones I might add...), our connection on both levels has taken a turn for the worse. It is now the summer of the first completed year of post-secondary for us both, and I feel as though I am inspiring more tears than smiles in her. She deserves more than to be so frustrated with little fights arising out of the most insignificant things, and I cannot take looking into her brimming eyes knowing I am the culprit.

Many of our little fights arise out of a butting of heads when it comes to physicality. She believes the separation we have endured this past year has forced her to move on in the relationship, and to have matured beyond a point where I am now at. I am still trying to do all the romantic and passionate things, not to mention the sexual things, that we once were so fascinated in sharing, and that she loved for me to give to her. Now more than ever I feel I am becoming more aware of how immature I am in this relationship. I suppose I should stop treating this like we are on our perfect night out together still, like when we began. But we were both so happy then...
All I can think of doing is attempting to change my habits, and in a sense, who I am to better suit where she is at now. She always tells me how I should not have to change for the one I love, but I thought that was a part of relationships?

All I truly want is to reach a point where we can be as comfortable with each other now as we were then, with a more mature perspective. I don't know if anyone can help me with such a request, or if it is far too hidden within my ramble, but I would greatly appreciate any guidance at all. I love her more than words can admit to. To see her smile again would be my greatest joy.

Posts: 3 | From: E-town | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 1679

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First off, do recognize that you've both just come through a very stressful, change-filled bit of time. Congratulations on finishing your first year at college, that's a really tough one. So do cut yourself a bit of slack here. When we, as individuals, go through periods of stress and change, it's not uncommon for those things to play out in our relationships as well.

If you were fitting well before, but didn't make the necessary adaptations to your relationship while you were apart, then it's not unusual that you'd feel a bit "off" when you came back together. Recognize as well that things likely will never be exactly the way they were before, and that's ok. You've both changed, your relationship is trying to make things work exactly the way they did before is likely going to be like trying to put on a shoe that is two sizes too small. It just won't work. That doesn't mean that you can't still be romantic, passionate, and connected! You absolutely can...but you've got to find ways of doing that and of connecting that are in line with where your relationship is right now.

Are you talking about this together? And if so, how? Because honestly, "She believes the separation we have endured this past year has forced her to move on in the relationship, and to have matured beyond a point where I am now at."...that sounds like a load of junk. Please don't be offended, you're clearly intelligent and you write well, so if this is your verb-age thrown in there, that's ok. But if you're actually having these exchanges with that kind of rhetoric, that really has got to stop. Look at that quote alone, what in the world does that really mean? When you're trying to work it out, things like ambiguity and wordiness are not helpful. So if you're not talking very frankly, without the pretty trappings and language games, you've got to start there. How does she feel? What do you feel? What do you need? What does she need? Where are the boundaries in your relationship right now? Ask those questions and answer each other honestly. It really may not be a matter of one of you needing to change, you may just need to readjust the way you're looking at your relationship to deal with the new situation. But it's got to be on both sides, so you've got to talk together.

Sarah Liz

Posts: 7316 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 34126

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I honestly did not expect anyone to reply. But what you said makes a lot of sense. I am not offended..I am just glad you saw beyond my excessive verbage to be able to offer me some realistic advice. I have talked to her, and asked her the types of questions you suggested we figure out from one another, and I really think we are on the right track now.

Thanks again

Posts: 3 | From: E-town | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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