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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Mom, God, Sex, and Me

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Author Topic: Mom, God, Sex, and Me
StarHallie
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A little background:

I come from a Roman Catholic, sternly conservative family with very strong beliefs. These beliefs kept me from sharing mine until I was 19, and even then, a lot of pain was involved. I recently moved back home, and attend church with my family out of respect, and because I enjoy the good messages from the readings. I have Christian (not Catholic) moral beliefs and a handful of my political beliefs are moderate or liberal (I think all people should have equal legal rights to marriage, etc.)

Well, my family knows I'm sexually active...but it bothers my mother most. This is a sin in the Catholic faith, as you may know. I respect that. When I attend church, I don't recieve the eucharist. I told her I don't see my sexuality as a sin, and I'm sorry if it upsets her, but that's where my beliefs lie. She called me a prostitute. I corrected her, saying that I don't sleep with men for sex. She then called me a whore. I corrected her, saying that was the same term. She said, "well then, you're a slut."

Now I understand I have a pretty ignorant mother, and religion plays a huge part in that. But I wish I could get my mother to accept me for who I am. Basically, she wants to "save me". How do you folks reccommend I go forward with talking to her about this?

Any suggestions help, and thank you in advance.

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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-Lauren-
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I can't really say anything constructive because, happily, I haven't been raised in an uber-religious household. My parents still used to be pretty strict about me and sex, but after my younger sis' unplanned pregnancy and parenting they've found that approach doesn't work so well, and happily pick up my BCP's from the pharmacy when I need them to.

Honestly? I don't know what to tell you.. I find myself doubtful that your mom will change her thinking. I do have several very religious friends who believe it is their duty to try to save me and won't hear otherwise. On one hand, you have to respect that it's part of their faith, and that supposedly, they're doing it out of care and love for you, e.g they don't want to lose you in the afterlife. But on the other, you are your own individual who may not agree with those beliefs, and they're forcing them upon you.

And, well, I can't believe a mother calling her daughter horrid names repeatedly IS doing so out of care or love.

Hmm.. it's a tough situation and not one I have much experience in. I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you, I've experienced some of the same, and that I'll post more once I can think on it.

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Beppie
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Maybe the best thing to do here would be to direct her to the parts of the Bible that show Jesus interacting with women who were accused of behaviour deemed "sexually immoral". She will then of course find that Jesus did not go around calling them "sluts" or any other derogatory term, but rather, he made friends with them and treated them as human beings.
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StarHallie
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Thanks Lauren, you're lucky to live in a household void of this dynamic. I really, really feel like a black sheep.

And Beppie, you're right. It just shows how much religion really HELPS her cope with life on a daily basis: not a whole lot. And if you look at this in a larger scope, it becomes obvious how religious radicalism segways to war. It so clearly has in this situation...and so clearly has in so many international situations today.

I just, dont understand. I would never call anyone those things, let alone my very own daughter.

She also challenged me on my political beliefs, trying to tell me they were sinful. So, I'm having constantly to defend myself around here, which makes for a really fun time.

[Frown]

[ 05-05-2007, 11:37 AM: Message edited by: StarHallie ]

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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September
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Oh hun, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I grew up in a Roman Catholic household, too, and though my parents weren't quite as strict about it, my mother was outraged when she found out I'd been clubbing and meeting random guys. She called me a slut during that discussion, as well, and I was beyond hurt.

It truly sucks when our parents cannot accept and respect out choices based on nothing but a religious bias. Unfortunately, it's so so hard to come at that sort of thing with logic and reason, so talking to your mother is probably not going to help any. With my mother, we've just agreed to disagree on this particular topic and we try to avoid talking about it.

Is there a particular reason why you've moved back home? With things like this, it's sometimes best to just bite your tongue and try to keep the peace when you're with your parents and do your own thing once you're out living on your own.

Just tough it out, mhm? It's not much, but it's probably the best you can do.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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StarHallie
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Yah, that's pretty much what I've been trying to do. She likes to bring the topic up, though, in an attempt to, i don't know, make me change my mind?

Do you think I should talk to her about the namecalling and how uncalled for it was (no pun intended), or do you think I should leave this one to silence?

I had lived with my boyfriend, supporting myself 100% financially for a while, dropped out of school, and worked full time. My parents offered to pay for my education granted I'd move back home. I was at first opposed to it, and then realized I should do this for my best interest. I explained to them that I will be seeing my boyfriend from time to time, who now lives about 500 miles away, and this of course would involve staying with him, and that accepting this would be a condition of me moving back home. I also disclosed that I use birth control regularly for both sex and for my health, and they'd have to accept that as well.

[ 05-05-2007, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: StarHallie ]

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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Heather
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Obviously, if someone is namecalling you that way out of purportedly defending Catholicism or Christianity, it is in itself dishonoring other aspects of those traditions: neither of them, in the orthodox, condones verbal abuse.

But it's pretty typical for people to adhrere to some rules/dogma of their faith and not others, so calling your mother out of that may be limited in terms of being productive. However, I'd still venture to say that calling out abuse is always important when you're able.

You know, sometimes with things like this you can take the bullet out of the gun by simply saying, "Okay, that is sinful," and walking away from it as much as you can, rather than arguing that it isn't. And if you need to add that as of right now, you feel okay with your choices, so you'd appreciate it if she just didn't go there, by all means, do.

But, too, it's kind of a big part of some aspects of these traditions, or the way some people enact them, to try and "save" those who clearly aren't seeing the light the other is convinced they need to see. So again, it just may not be productive, which sucks, but there's not much to do save distancing yourself from it/them as much as you can and want to.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mizchastain
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Maybe point out that the Bible also says "Judge not lest ye be judged"? I don't know how much good that'd do, but you can try.
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StarHallie
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Thanks Heather, for the objective opinion, as always.

I told her I KNOW that premarital sex in the religion is a sin, and she asked me "How can you do it, knowing it's a sin? That's like slapping God in the face!" I clearly told her I didn't feel guilty or sinful or slutty for having sex. When she called me a slut, I told her "whatever label you want to place on me, is fine."

Do you think it's okay to leave it at that?

I wish it were different, but I can see the consensus is there really isn't much I can do but agree to disagree.

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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Heather
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Unfortunately, sounds like all you can do to me, too. [Frown]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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-Lauren-
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I'm gonna agree with Heather that taking away her ammunition might be the best way to deal. When my dad's drunk, yelling, and calling me names, a good way to deal is to just to play the "okay" game. Everything they say is A-OK. With practice, you don't even hear anymore, and whether drunk or just plain stubborn or both, they eventually give up easier than they would arguing.

I'm in the same predicament (staying here because I can't afford school on my own) so I know how tricky it is. Hang in there. =(

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StarHallie
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That's exactly the boat I'm in...I'm doing it for my best interest. Thanks love. Glad to know you can relate.

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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Bunnibug09
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I'm 16, and my mother reacted almost the very same way. Which is normal. I understand that, I went to her to tell her what I had done, and I was hoping for respect, b/c it took a lot of guts to admit to that. She didn't see it that way. Sometimes the beliefs of someone else can get in your way, I learned that it helps sometimes just to say, I'm sorry you feel that way, and hope that later in life they will be able to do the same for you.

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-Your Bunni

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hottie.pink.angel.aka.Mariam
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Well, you shouldn't be sleeping with men all the time. (correct me if I'm wrong) If you do sleep with men you don't love, it's wrong. But, your parents have NO rights to call you names like that, or get involved with your sexual life. God made us with sexual organs, so, we use them for sex! I think I proved my point, sorry if it didn't help. [Smile]
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Heather
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(Hey Miriam?

One of our rules here is for users and volunteers not to issue edicts about what is right and wrong for everyone. So, please don't tell other users what is wrong for them, or for everyone based on what you feel would be wrong for YOU, okay? Thanks!)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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dailicious
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Mariam (also, if that's your full name in your signature, you will want to remove it, just to protect your own privacy online) - we appreciate you wanting to help out on the boards, but we ask that you respect the fact that everyone here has different beliefs and even if you don't agree with it, you still need to respect that.

There is nothing wrong with being sexually active with a partner you do not love. For some people, it may be the right thing for them, personally, but love is not a requirement for a healthy sexual relationship for all couples.


(Heather beat me!)

[ 05-14-2007, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: dailicious ]

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Jean
aka dailicious
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StarHallie
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All set aside, this is funny.

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

Teehee.

[ 05-25-2007, 09:50 PM: Message edited by: StarHallie ]

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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orca
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Gotta love Woody Allen. [Smile]

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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pinkveins
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omg i feel for you so much.....im in the exact same position right now. except, my mom doesnt know im having sex. today she found my birth control and my lube, im assuming because she went through my purse. its like a goodybag for her. she goes thru my things from time to time just to see whats int here that she can punish me for. shes ridiculous. i told her that the birth control was for my period/cramps/etc and that the lube was a joke because they were giving out free samples at lovers lane lol. but still if she knew...really knew, that i was having sex she would FLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP THE SH*T. thats why she can never ever ever know. EVER. shes super religious and shes already told me im slutty or whatever that was in hs when i was like inviting boys over and making out with them...yeah. so i know how you feel. all i do is suffer...so i have no advice on how to change things but know that your def not alone.

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you promised me heaven but put me through hell...
</3

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frenchie
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hey StarHallie,
i'm sorry for your mother! i can't believe she called you like that... Religion isn't supposed to dry you from the inside, she seems so soured.
All i can think of is trying to take your relationship with her from an other point. Try to spend time doing something that can make you closer, as mother and daughter.
Maybe she is just unable to accept you've got your own sexual life.
I'm a very religious girl, i thought of being a sister for years, i didn't even masturbate, yet i don't see sex as a sin. "Sin" is a lack of love in my religion (roman catholic)
How could love be a sin!?
I asked priests why premarital sex was considered as a sin, and no one could explained me...
besides i'm a sinner, like anyone else, and i really think sex would be the smallest sin, if it was one...We can really do worse!
i hope your relation ship with you're famlily will get better.. good luck!

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StarHallie
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Pinkveins: Thanks for support. I've just been very matter of fact with my mother about everything. She sees that I'm a good person, that I am kind and family-oriented, thoughtful and good, and I think she's starting to get over it. Honestly, telling her the truth was the best thing I ever did for myself. I speak firsthand saying that lying and covering those tracks is a very stressful and damaging road to take. I wholly relate.

Frenchie: even though I realize what you're saying, sex doesn't always equal love, or vice versa. But yes, it does seem a petty thing, doesn't it? Thank you for your helpful suggestions, as well.

[ 05-31-2007, 10:36 PM: Message edited by: StarHallie ]

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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