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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How do you move on when he was more than a boyfriend to you?

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Author Topic: How do you move on when he was more than a boyfriend to you?
Member # 26528

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My ex and I dated for about two and a half years. We had the most amazing relationship ever- no major drama or issues and we were completely comfortable with each other and happy with each other. He wasn't just a boyfriend to me, he was my best friend.

But anyway a few months ago his feelings changed. He no longer felt comfortable in the relationship and he didn't know why. He still doesn't know why and can't really give me an answer. It just didnt feel right to him- he wasnt 100% sure that thats what he wanted.

Since then, he and I have been having nonstop drama. He wants very badly for me to still be there as his friend, but its so hard for me because thats not what I want and I always feel so bad. He's gone back and forth on me quite a few times- we'll hang out and it will be amazing and he'll tell me how much he wants to be with me but then a few days later he tells me that he still doesnt feel right dating me.

I also have met a lot of other guys and made out with tons of them (im in college, its way too easy to do) in the time we were broken up which has hurt him a lot, especially since a few times I lied about it (because i didnt want to hurt him)and then he later found out.

Anyway I don't know what to do. I'm sick of all of this heartbreak and I'm sick of giving myself completely emotionally but not getting the same thing back. But at the same time, he's the best friend I've ever had and hes always always there for me when I need him and he cares about me more than anyone else does. I dont want to just stop talking to him, and I still really want us to be together. And the fact that I know we both are kind of hoping we'll be together in the future doesnt really help me get over this right now and move on.

I just dont know how to approach this. I dont want to lose him as a person in my life and I really hope we end up together in the end because we're so happy together. But in order to get over him I would need to cut him out I think. But I can't. I care about him way too muh and he's my best friend.

Posts: 16 | From: Va, USA | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Honestly, hon? This isn't fair to you at all.

Needing space doesn't mean you don't care about him, and needing space doesn't mean that you're going to cut off the possibility that you can rebuild your friendship in the future. But right now? If you continue like this it's a lot more likely you're going to run into something that causes your friendship to suffer NOW.

For your own peace of mind and well-being? I'd highly, highly recomend to request and enforce that space - for the good of both of you, because there's no way you're going to be able to keep moving with your life and enjoy it if he's dragging you down, and there's no way he's going to work out his own feelings if he's doing this back and forth always needing to lean on you (and to boot, there's no reason it's right for you to just have to sit around waiting for him to make up his mind).

So again, I'd talk to him, and let him know that until he's figured out what he wants or what he needs, HE needs to give you space to move on with your life, and you need to give him space to figure all that stuff out too. During that time, it'd probably be better if you didn't talk as much (an occasional "how are you?" is okay, but you don't want to be talking every day, about your problems, about you as a couple or not, etc.), if you didn't hang out for awhile, etc.

And trust me, hon, I've been there - I've been there in a really horrible spot this year. My ex of two and a half years and I had a really wonderful relationship, and we broke up because of distance and a couple other factors, and hell, I'm still in love with him, I still miss him, and it hurts. The last time I talked to him was through text message two months ago, and before that? A couple more months, again through text message. I WANT to talk to him more often, really badly, but he's just not in a place where he's comfortable or ready for that because of things he's still dealing with, and I know that because of that it probably wouldn't do me a whole lot of good, either.

He was my best friend and I lost that, too, when we broke up, but because our relationship ended, no matter how much we both do miss that friendship we lost? When you END a relationship, no matter how it ends, your relationship will be changed and unless you both are on the same page with what you want out of the relationship or out of trying to rebuild a friendship? You're going to have a lot of struggle and a lot of heartache to try and get it back to the way it was, or just as a new, good relationship or friendship again.

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Posts: 3382 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 33597

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When I was in high school, I feel for a guy two years older than me. The problem was that he was already taken. I waited for him for four years before I got to be with him. I refused to date anyone else until I got to be with him. Well, in June of last year he showed up to my job one day. He didn't know that I worked there and we traded numbers. We went on one date and that was enough for us. We dated for six months and then all of the sudden his feelings changed. He too said that he no longer felt comfortable in the relationship. He was still in love with his ex. WHen we broke up he told one of my friends that he told me in the beginning that he could never love me. He told her that I was the one that pulled him into the relationship without giving him much of an option.
We have been seperated for the last five months and I still am not even close to being over him. I have troubles being around him at all, because my heart is still with him. I feel like there is no one else out there for me but him. However his hear tis someone elses, but my heart is his. It is never easy to hear his anme or anything.
The more time that goes by the more you will heal. THe more that you realize that it is his loss not yours the quicker you will be okay.

Are there really people that care, or is it just a game to them?

Posts: 16 | From: Ohio | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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