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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » he's thinking maybe about breaking up

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Author Topic: he's thinking maybe about breaking up
cool87
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Everything to date as been going great with my boyfriend but now sex is becoming more and more of an issue.

I often have to stop sex when I do it with him because I feel really a lot of pressure for intercourse is still put on me and I'm gonna be honest at some point I become incomfortable with where things seem to go.

We did have a conversation about this, at least twice and he tells me he's becoming sort of impatient to have intercourse with me. That he'ld really like me to do it with him.

I feel somehow now like it's about me. That I'm the problem here. I thought maybe I should do it with him but there's still this little thought in my head who is saying : hey wait, things are move too fast. And maybe I would enjoy it, but I guess I'd do it a little bit for him too because if there was not as much pressure I probably wouldn't jump to intercourse right now.

I really like him though. He's great and I don't want to loose him. He asked me if I would mind if he had intercourse with other women, like casual sex.

To be honest, and I told him that too, I'd prefer a monogamy relationship with him. And his answer to that was but will you soon have intercourse with me ?

I don't know how to describe how I really feel right now. I'm not mad but I am sort of sad. I think maybe he's thinking about breaking up with me if I don't do it with him.

So I don't know how to react really ? Is there hope or no ? And is this situation common ?

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-Lauren-
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Looks like you're just dealing with out-and-out sexual incompatibility, here. It's more common than you may think, right up there with other compatibility issues like different fundamental beliefs, interests, etc.

You've said you don't want to have sex, and you've stuck to your guns. He's been pretending to cooperate, but always lays the pressure on heavy after the fact. Now he's saying outright that he can't stay in a relationship where intercourse is not included.

He might have a great personality, might be a nice guy, but if his sexual requirements are ones you don't feel comfortable meeting, perhaps it's best that you two consider parting ways.

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cool87
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But maybe I should get over my fear and just do it. I don't know. I am confused a bit. It's only intercourse and once I do it once, then it's gonna go alright and the problem will be gone. There will be intercourse in the relationship and everything will be alright.

It's not like I don't want intercourse in the relationship. I'd like to. That's not the point. But I just don't know if right now is the right time, you know ?

I don't think there's a problem with me wanting to wait a little more before doing it hey?

Why can't he just wait for me ? Am I asking for too much ? I just don't understand why he doesn't want to wait. It's not like I will never have intercourse with him. It's not a matter of years even, it's like a matter of days.

[ 01-27-2007, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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-Lauren-
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quote:
It's only intercourse and once I do it once, then it's gonna go alright and the problem will be gone.
Au contraire. If you're extremely anxious about intercourse, any pain you feel that re-registers in your mind that penetration is painful will only strengthen the reaction. So, rushing into this will likely only make the problem worse, versus it just being over and done with.

You shouldn't have to back down on something you believe strongly about in any relationship. If he can't accept other forms of intimacy other than intercourse, despite knowing what a source of anxiety it is for you, his maturity is seriously in question, anyway.

In some adult relationships, lack of a certain set of sexual activities can be total dealbreakers. That's something better accepted as things just not working out between two people, rather than it being a fault in either, you know?

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logic_grrl
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It's only intercourse and once I do it once, then it's gonna go alright and the problem will be gone. There will be intercourse in the relationship and everything will be alright.

Nope. The "problem" won't be gone, because you'll be with a guy who thinks it's okay to pressure you sexually, and who's not prepared to respect the boundaries you've articulated.

As I recall, you posted earlier this month saying that you'd tried having intercourse with this guy and ended up having a panic attack and crying.

He was there, he knows how stressful this is to you. The fact that he's still pressuring you after that - sounds to me like he's not so considerate of your feelings.

Why can't he just wait for me ? Am I asking for too much ?

No, you're not asking too much - considerate people don't try and pressure their partners into sexual activity they're not ready for.

You know, you've said a few times that you're now totally cool with being assertive and protecting your boundaries. Time to put some of that into practice, I think [Smile] .

If he's not willing to have a relationship without intercourse right now, and you're not ready to have intercourse - then maybe it's time the two of you went your separate ways.

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cool87
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Yeah, you're right Lauren on that one even though I'd prefer to hide the reality and think it will solve the problem. [Smile]

And thanks also to you Logic_grrl. It makes a lot of sense too.

I seriously don't know why I keep posting those sort of questions because the thing is I already know the answer to those. I know what I should do deep in my head but I guess I need reassurance and approval.

And this works and help make me feel better so I'm not gonna complain. [Smile]

[ 01-27-2007, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
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I did see him yesterday to talk about all of that and tell him that breaking up sounded maybe like the best solution here for the both of us.

His reaction to that was telling me he was really sorry and that he won't do it again and that he didn't meant he would break up with me if I didn't have intercourse with him.

Well, I don't know if he's really that sincere. A part of me is saying that he probably will do that again since I already had a talk with him a few times and he did not cease putting pressure even after this.

So, it would surprise me if he did now. He might have seemed sincere on the moment but I'm not sure he'll still be like after a few days. He made himself pretty clear I think few days ago how he felt and feelings don't really change in a day or two, you know ? At least, I don't think so.

So I told him I was breaking up with him. He did not take it well, probably even more less than I did.

He really seemed to want to keep pursuing a relationship with me but yet he told me a relationship with no intercourse right now was not what he wanted. That he expected intercourse. So this doesn't click. Maybe one of the reason for keeping me around was that he expected me after hearing that, that I'll have intercourse with him because of the fear of loosing him. I don't know. This might be the case.

But I'm not like that. At least, I'm not anymore. So maybe here I did make the right decision of breaking up with him.

It's a little difficult right now to deal with the break up but that is a step I had to take and I pretty much think it is for my best. What would be the point in investing even more time in this relationship if I already know the two of us didn't really fit ? [Wink]

[ 01-28-2007, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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I think you made the right call here.

Remember, too, that the first six months of any relationship IS just figuring out how any couple does or doesn't fit, and if it's worth it (for both parties) to pursue a continued and deeper relationship.

Sounds like for him, intercourse is the dealbreaker, and in an opposite way, for right now, it is for you, too. (And it's 100% okay for that to be a dealbreaker for either of you, from either perspective.) To boot, given you've been in a process of working really hard to learn about setting limits and boundaries, I'd also say that someone who wants to push those things in any way is also a poor fit for you. And it sounds like you're finally finding yourself able to be more intuitive with people, and separate what someone says from the chasm that sometimes exist between that and what they really mean, which is awesome for you.

Either way, this is the deal with dating. If any of us thought we had a perfect fit with every single person we ever dated, it'd be pretty sound to assume that we're either delusional (since connectivity between people in a deep way is actually pretty rare), or that one or both of us was in some way either ignoring our wants and needs or simply adapting them to whomever we dated to suit them.

I'd say it's pretty reasonable to expect that for every, I don't know, four or five people we have dates with MAYBE there will be one who we can forge good relationships with with enough commonality to have them work for both parties. Heck, I'd say if that happened every twety people or so that'd still be reasonable, given how rare real connectivity can be.

[ 01-28-2007, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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cool87
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Thanks for taking the time to respond to this again Heather. [Smile] I really appreciate it. It's really nice to get your point of view on things.

I pretty much think I'll take a small break from dating for a while in part to concentrate a little bit more on my studies. It's not that dating takes too much of my time but celibacy for a while might help a bit. [Smile]

[ 01-28-2007, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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Well, it also helps not to fall into the serial monogamy trap.

In other words, if you want to have a date, have a date.

But don't U-Haul it and then have another date with the same person a day or two later, then another a day later, etc. Have a date, you want a repeat, schedule it for a couple weeks from the first one. That way, there really is a difference between dating and just doing one relationships after another, and another, and....

[Smile]

When you're having to have big breakups when you haven't even been dating half a year, that's generally a pretty good signal that you're not actually dating at all, but doing serial monogamy. When you're dating and things don't work out, it's usually a pretty casual "Eh, I'm not feeling this," or "You know, I think we'd work better as friends," or "I don't have time for a deeper relationship right now," what have you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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