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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » placing value on this relationship

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Author Topic: placing value on this relationship
Member # 9745

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I'm at college right now, 7 hours away from home& everyone I'm close with at home- A list that includes the boy I dated over the summer. At the time, I considered this boy, whom I will call Sam for the purposes of anonymity and clarity, to be the most decent young man I'd ever had a relationship with. I still think this is true. However, I no longer hold him to such high prestige as I once did. My strong image of him began to fade a bit as I left for school.

Just a few weeks after we began dating, Sam and I had sex but he refused to wear a condom. "Million dollar feeling" is how he described it. I HATED it. I got so mad at him for it too, because I didn't realize he wasn't wearing one, and this puts me at risk for not only getting pregnant but contracting an STI, had he one (which I'm just about positive he doesn't). I was SOOO mad at him for this and he admitted that is was a jerk thing of him to do and PROMISED me he'd never do that again.

At the tail end of the summer Sam and I were spending time together in his room and he wanted to have sex. I was fond of the idea also. Well, he told me he was going to use a condom and because of the position we were using I couldn't see that he didn't have one on. I spent the rest of the summer very scared that I would become pregnant. I came to college facing not only the normal stress of being in a completely new environment full of only strangers and needing to figure my way around, but also scared to high hell that I was pregnant.

To make matters worse, Sam wouldn't call me. I mean, it's not that he was reluctant about maintaining a relationship with me, he just didn't see anything wrong with not calling. I'd beg him to give me calls more frequently and he'd protest, saying that he didn't want to tie me down, and that I should instead go out and have fun. I assured him that I wasn't about to let anything or anybody hold me back from having a blast out here, and that this was irrelevent from him keeping in touch.

Well just today at lunch I was speaking with my best girl friend's close guy friend. He is a mutual friend between the two of us and offered me some advice about my relationship with Sam. I told him basically what i've written above, and Sam assured me that this is not decent guy behavior and that nobody should treat me that way because I deserve better than that. Isn't that sweet??? And yet so cliche, and I hate cliche because I feel as if it's idealistic.

Yes, Sam has lied to me... He not only does drugs but sells them- a tidbit he wasn't ever planning on telling me but that I happened to find out because I'm naturally inquisitive... He has given me multiple pregnancy scares when I NEVER wanted to have sex without a condom... He tells me it's just as much my fault that we had sex without condoms those few times...

...And yet... it's like... Peoeple all have flaws. I have dismissed these things because I feel like the good in Sam outweighs them. In any relationship, there are going to be things that each individual doesn't agree with about the other but will just have to live with. There is a bit of compromise involved with living so closely with someone.

He still won't call me though and that makes me frustrated.

I'm just feeling a little torn because Sam has a lot of great qualities I have yet to find in another partner. However, I'm young and currently surrounded by thousands of smashing young men here at college, quite a few of whom have expressed interest in me, heh ;-)

I feel as if I should consider keeping same at bay as just a friend. We are on that status right now, but I think I need to avoid pursuing a dating relationship again with him in the future. I say this and yet... I don't know if it's realistic. Should I really decide to nix him because of moral differences? I don't want to shun him, but I need to assert my own boundaries. I demand respect- Doesn't that make sense? If I'm in a situation where I'm not getting respect, why should I settle with that? Maybe I'm just over-reacting, and I really shouldn't be bothered about these little things. They aren't driving me crazy by any means, I just feel like I need to come to some sort of concensus with myself as to whether I want to risk facing these same sort of problems in the future- Which I undoubtedly would, should I choose to once again date Sam.

I even think that because I've had some time away from him now, I can more comfortably avoid a physical relationship with Sam, which I think would be a good choice seeing as he's not willing to look out for my well-being.

Advice/ comments/ stories would be appreciated!! Thanks = )

"It's something
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"

Posts: 150 | From: !USA! | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

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Okay, I'm really not seeing the "good" in Sam here.

He's an abusive, exploitative, drug-dealing liar, who's made it very clear that he puts a few minutes' pleasure for him over your choices and well-being.

Well, he told me he was going to use a condom and because of the position we were using I couldn't see that he didn't have one on.

Legally, in some areas, that would count as sexual assault.

These aren't "little things", and they aren't something you can or should compromise over.

And it's not "idealistic" or "cliche" to say that a partner should treat you as a human being, not a disposable toy.

Even if Sam does have some good in him, then it's not doing him any favours to protect him from the consequences of his actions and teach him that it's fine to teach women like crap.

"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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One short, additional comment?

Girlfriend, you are setting the bar REALLY low.

If this guy is heads above anyone else in your periphery? That's unfortunate as hell, but it also likely means you just need to widen your periphery and set your sights WAY higher.

This stuff isn't "flaws." Nor is nixing this a maybe. It's a given.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 28662

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In my opinion, as a guy, drop him, he seems like a jerk, having sex without a condom, not calling, etc.
Posts: 11 | From: Buffalo, NY | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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