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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » He's getting really attached

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Author Topic: He's getting really attached
MaryTheGypsy
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Member # 28834

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Okay, I’m not saying this is a bad thing, but I feel like my boyfriend is getting really attached . . . but it’s hard to tell sometimes.

We’ve been together a little over three months. My longest relationship as of yet (he’s the only guy I’ve ever willingly been with) Also, I’ve known him as friends for over a year.

Now, when you think of this relatively, it’s not all that long. It feels like forever for me, but I know it’s not that long at all. We lost our virginities together, (just a few weeks ago) and I trust him more than I think I’ve ever trusted a guy. Still, I’m realistic and know that we’re both teens, and more likely than not our relationship won’t last. I’m not setting myself up for failure, I’m just being honest.

Still, my BF has said things on a few occasions that make me think he’s expecting way more. He’s talked about going to a college just because it’s near the college I want to go to. He’s even talked about postponing when he goes to college so we’re in the same year. He’s talked about living together and other things like that.

Once, he even mentioned marriage. He seemed very serious. He hasn’t mentioned it since, but honestly, it sort of freaked me out. Not freaked out by him per say, but more by how attached he’s getting to me.

I do love him, but I’m young, and so is he. Should I do something about this, or just let him say that kind of stuff? I don’t want to smack him in the face with an ‘I don’t think we’ll last that long’ cause I don’t know if we will or not. Still, I’m afraid my complacency could be taken as a yes.

What should I do???

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~Mary

“People out there must be told about the self-loathing that follows rape and how it's the greatest breakage in divine law to mutilate themselves, as I have done.” Tori Amos

Posts: 40 | From: Virginia | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DarkChild717
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 139

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Talking always works. [Smile]

Really, if it bothers you that he's talking about a future that you're not sure you're going to be part of, tell him that you're not ready to discuss long term plans at this point.

If you don't tell him, he won't know how you feel about it.

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Caylin, Scarleteen Volunteer
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Nailo
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Well this sounds similar to my case actually, except it was the other way around. I was always the one to say "when I graduate we can.." etc. My boyfriend actually did talk to me about it, saying that he didn't know whether to say stuff like that back because he didn't know whether we were going to be together that long.

What I told him was that at the moment, I didn't see the end of this, and really, I don't like to set time frames. In other words, if I think "we won't last that long" then I have to think in terms of another two years, and I think that it's not good to do that. He asked me how did I know we were going to be together that long, and I said I didn't. I only say that I want to live with him and other such things because right now I feel that I could in the future, not because I'm a fortune teller. I make plans for the future because it's never wrong to dream, and I don't regret what I say or do at all because I love him. However, I accepted that my boyfriend wasn't ready to say things like that, and because he talked to me openly about it, I understood that it wasn't because he was rejecting me.

Of course, that doesn't mean you have to say such things back if you don't want to. I know my boyfriend didn't say those things for a long time (I was actually quite surprised when he did). Just remember to take one day at a time (and remind him to do so too, if necessary). If this really bothers you, by all means, tell him.

Really, I'm not sure if I would call this being too attached (or maybe I just don't like to think of myself that way). Of course, if he becomes obsessive over this, or he makes it seem like you WILL get married, no matter what, and that's final...then that's different.

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, it is perfectly fine -- and sage -- to just tell a partner that they're going at a given time is outside your comfort zone. It's fine to say that you honor their feelings about you and your relationship, but that, for you, right now, it's a bit too fast, because that's not yet where you are.

It's also sage to make clear that saying that isn't a promise to get there, and expressing that you worry that is an expectation, one you don't know yet if you'll meet.

When you think about it, it's pretty mathematically impossible for any two people to be feeling exactly the same thing at exactly the same time, or to develop the exact same sorts of feelings at the exact same time. So, what you're talking about here is something that happens a LOT.

Where most people screw it up, really, is in not saying anything, or, in saying something, in trying to express things either in such a way as to just say what someone wants to hear, or, conversely, in such a way that only speaks to their fear or discomfort, rather than just acknowledging that we rarely both feel the same things at the same time, which is absolutely just human.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MaryTheGypsy
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Thanks so much for all the advice. If and when he brings it up again I'll talk to him about it. I think that will work better other than just springing it on him for no reason.

Thanks so much guys!

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~Mary

“People out there must be told about the self-loathing that follows rape and how it's the greatest breakage in divine law to mutilate themselves, as I have done.” Tori Amos

Posts: 40 | From: Virginia | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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