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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » The Ex?

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Author Topic: The Ex?
somuchformyhappyending
Neophyte
Member # 24487

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I've been going out with this boy for about 10 months, and we were friends for about another 10 months before that. Needless to say we are very close and the best of friends. When we were going out it was great, we were both in love. We are open about our feelings too.

We broke up because he went to university and I was missing him but we promised to be friends. I still visited him occaisionly, saw his friends and did all the usual stuff as when we were together, including having sex, there was no awkwardness or anything.

I'm quite comfortable with myself and my life without him, I don't miss him excessively or anything, visiting him, is to me a treat.

Neither of us have found someone else yet. I've told him he must tell me whenever he does and I of course will do the same and we will stop having sex, seeing each other as much and whatever we both feel is right.

However, whilst musing about the future with him he said he wants to be single, if the opportunity arose for another girlf, he wouldn't take it and yet in the same breadth he says he doeesn't want me either but he still wants to see me. Confusing or what?

It seems that we have very smoothly moved our relationship to boyfriend and girlfriend to close friends who have sex. What is weird is that he seems terribly offended when I say this.

My friends seem to think there's either nothing wrong with this, he's still in love with me. Or the other opinion is that he's using me. But, surely I'm using him as much as he's using me - I do intend to have another boyf.

Do you think this whole situation is a case of me using him for the closeness and sex, and him clinging onto me because he still loves me? And, is what I'm doing wrong of me? By the way, I've asked him this and he says not at all! I think we both love each other very much, just him slightly more than I do.

I just would be interested to hear opinions etc. Cos I am confused and don't want to hurt him.

[This message has been edited by somuchformyhappyending (edited 12-20-2005).]


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Dasdream
Neophyte
Member # 26636

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its funny how he says he loves you BUT he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, I bet if you tall him we won't have sex until I'm your GF again he will say ok, clearly if your in collage having a GF can be terrible especially when she's not there, but yes he is using you as what I call a "sex toy" but then again so are you lol

You said "I'm quite comfortable with myself and my life without him, I don't miss him excessively or anything," theres your answer, just move on with your life and find someone who cares about you and to be with you and not just for sex.....like me hahaha kidding only joking


Posts: 4 | From: Milwuakee, WI, USA | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, it seems to me, Dasdream, that putting forth that BOTH parties in this sitatuion aren't doing the same thing isn't at all fair.

He's no more "using" her than she is him, from what this post presents. Is someone who is only, say, having a platonic romantic relationship "using" someone for companionship or love?

Any of us can love someone and yet not want a particular relationship with them: love doesn't dictate what kind of relationship we must have, should have, or will have with someone else.

somuchformyhappyending, have you two sat down and just honestly discussed what -- in your ideal world -- each of you would want from this relationship? If not, I'd suggest that. I'd also suggest perhaps thinking about, and then talking about how each of you might feel were the other one to find a new partner with whom monogamy was desired, necessitating the end of this relationship as it is.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
somuchformyhappyending
Neophyte
Member # 24487

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Thanks for your replies, and yes I agree Miz Scarlet that i am using him as much as he's using me.

It is interesting about how you talk about love not telling us what kind of relationship we must have. I think this is the root of our confusion, cos while I know we love each other, it's unsettling to not know what course to take. I suppose the answer is to just go with the flow,what will be will be.

We have sat down and discussed our ideal relationship, however, it's not been a serious discussion (more like, hey, let's get married!) when the time's right I will definitely bring it up again.

What is weird is that we have talked about (well, I've talked to him about) us each having different monogamous (sp?!) partners in the future, it's fine by me I don't mind the idea at all. He gives the minimum response and changes the subject.

Thanks for ur help, i suppose there is no real answer to the puzzle, just let love take its course.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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