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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Complicated Crush

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Author Topic: Complicated Crush
Msj
Neophyte
Member # 14026

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Wow I haven't posted here in a long time but it's nice to see it still running

Anyhow, I need some advice because I'm going through a difficult time emotionally because of a situation involving a guy that I've liked. I actually knew him from an online message board I went to and we didn't speak that much but we were friends for a few years. Well a convention was set up in Atlanta last year and fortunately a group in my university were going so I went with him and he and I finally met with some of our other friends. We actually got along pretty well and we became closer after that.

From this year, my feelings have gotten stronger so I talked to him about it but he didn't know for sure how he felt about me and we planned to meet again, so over this past summer in late May I visited him in New York, where he lives, and introduced him to my mother, he's 23 while I'm 19. They got along well and thankfully she supported me on meeting him in the future.

I stayed over his house a few days as well and met his family and they liked me also. As we got closer, he took me to the tourist sites and we just enjoyed spending time with each other. The night before I went to leave, we shared a romantic kiss and he confessed that he did have feelings for me as well (what I had been hoping for)..but that he wasn't sure if he could handle a relationship with yet until I became a more emotionally mature and independent person. The reason for this is because I was a mentally unstable person at the time due to stress and problems I had with my parents and living at home. Nontheless, I agreed that he was right and understood and so we were still friends.

Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse when he went to Baltimore for a convention in August and I came to find out that a girl he met there confessed that she had feelings for him and now that he didn't know what to do. I was wondering why this was a problem at all because he just met her for that one weekend and he knew that we still cared about one another. Sadly, they began dating and I kept my distance from him for a while because I had a hard time accepting it.

We met once more in September with a group of our friends and I found myself hanging onto him a lot and I was very unhappy although I tried to cheer up. The smallest things would make me cry or want to yell so I tried to keep my distance from everyone. I still tried to be nice though and I guess because I wanted to try and keep the peace. He told me that he was sorry it had to turn out like this, that this was life and that he doesn't know what the future would bring.

They broke up a few months later by October and he had told me, so I consoled him and he seemed a bit hesitant to date again yet I still hoped. He has a lot of female friends but I always seem to feel intimidated by the single ones that flirt with him a lot. By this time, I noticed that he was beginning to get close to a friend of his (she's from Canada) and I usually get jealous when I see girls hitting on him or him flirting with them. He told me that my jealous bouts were ridiculous and that I have no reason to be so I always felt bad when I did.

Now, I got accepted in a study abroad program in London so I'm leaving in January and I'll be gone for almost 6 months. I know we're going to miss each other like crazy so we met recently when I had time off from Thanksgiving Break and went up to see him. I had such a great time and we shared kisses and very close moments, mostly talking and I told him I loved him. He told me that he would give me a decision after I came back from London because us being apart may let him figure out how he really feels. At some point though, he had told me that his Canadian friend was going to visit him for New Year's and when I asked him why he said that she wants to. Then my instincts started to kick in again and I'm thinking that she has a crush on him, even when I told him, he didn't think so.

Fast forward to the present time now in December, I found that the girl messsaged me asking me how I feel about her visiting him so I'm guessing she's guessed that I liked him but not how much. He also had told her that he and I had a history, just never in a relationship. She then told me that he's told he likes her more than just a friend. I can't believe this so I ask her why she thinks so and she sent me bits of conversation that they've shared. I confront him with these accusations yet he still denies them and I'm getting angrier now..so I ask him once more and he finally tells me that he may or may not have feelings for her and I don't say anything more.

I know people make mistakes but I never expected that sort of thing from him, to keep things to me when we were face to face. He's always given me good advice and has been honest and loyal and a true friend. I see things in him I don't see in many men and that was what I most admired about him. That hurt the most...but he said he didn't mean to hurt me, that he messed up, that he didn't want our last meeting to be hurtful, and he wanted to make me feel attractive and desirable because I am. I know we talked about being apart might help strengthen our relationship but he knows I take honesty very seriously and I find it harder and harder to trust men >_< I have such a bad history of interaction with men and since then I"ve felt more distant. I can't even face him.

I don't know what he sees in everyone else that he doesn't in me. He tells me not to compare myself to other girls but when he does things like this, I can't help it. He said they may not even get into a relationship but that's aside the point. He hurt my pride and knowing how deeply I cared about him...he's the first guy I've ever been close with in that way and I've never been in a relationship before. I just find it harder to move on now..because of what he did. Maybe I bring emotions/feelings out in him that he doesn't like to feel but if he gives me reason not to trust him, what kind of relationship can that be? Sometimes I think he really cares about me but shows it through other women because he doesn't know what he wants or that he's too afraid to get hurt. The funny thing is that if he said he really wanted me and no one else, I would forgive him and give him another chance.

Either way, I'm still not sure what to do, and I feel emotionally empty and sick since then. Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I forgive him? I don't feel like I can throw away all that he and I have been through after so long..but at the same time I don't know how to move on. I dont' know what to do, how to move on or what to feel.

Any advice/opinions?


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Emmajen
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Member # 19913

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Hi, I really think that after all this time that if a relationship hasn't happened and he's been leading you on like that you should stop trying to have a relationship with him. I know that's really really hard, but you deserve better than someone who leads you on. That shows a lack of respect for you and any relationship that you might have. I'd say back off, if you want to be friends with him that's great, but enjoy other people. There are lots of great people out there and many of them have amazing qualities. A lot of the time we dont' see the great qualities that other people have becasue we're wrapped up in this one person. Try and take an honest look at this guy and see what you find...maybe you'll see that he wasn't that nice after all and it might help you move on. Good luck either way and if you decide you want to try to make this work with the guy, I think you should make sure he knows that honesty and respect are really really important!
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Msj
Neophyte
Member # 14026

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Thanks. I think you are right. I'm looking at it now and I'm thinking that the more he avoids the subject, the more we aren't meant to be together. He said that I shouldn't wait for him many times but I just thought of it as a cop-out. He said that if at the time he is ready for a relationship with me but if I no longer do, it'd be his own fault and he'd move on. No matter how he tries to word it or make it better, I don't think he realizes that it changes the fact that he's not only hurt me once but twice now. Thank you for your advice.
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DarkChild717
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 139

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You know what may help you? Make a list of all the qualities you love in him. Keep that list of qualities with you, and then look for someone new. Seriously.

You appear to be his "fallback" girl. He goes to you when other relationships fail, but from your description, he's not willing to have a relationship with you. So, as hard as it might be, move on.

You have a wonderful oppurtunity. You're going to London! Take the list of qualities with you on that trip, and keep your options open. Don't wait for him at all. You might find that special person abroad.

(And enjoy London--my study abroad was cancelled, so I wish you the best of luck!)


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Msj
Neophyte
Member # 14026

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quote:
Originally posted by DarkChild717:
You know what may help you? Make a list of all the qualities you love in him. Keep that list of qualities with you, and then look for someone new. Seriously.

You appear to be his "fallback" girl. He goes to you when other relationships fail, but from your description, he's not willing to have a relationship with you. So, as hard as it might be, move on.

You have a wonderful oppurtunity. You're going to London! Take the list of qualities with you on that trip, and keep your options open. Don't wait for him at all. You might find that special person abroad.

(And enjoy London--my study abroad was cancelled, so I wish you the best of luck!)


Thank you! That is quite comforting to hear actually. Everyone I've spoken to about it says that too, being the "fallback" girl that is, and I've had it with him. I'll know for certain if I'm interested in another guy. I guess I'm picky since I'm never usually into guys. I'm content without one right now as well seeing as all I've come to encounter just deceive you. This London trip is the only thing I have going for me right now, so I'm going to live it to the fullest.


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