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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » "tainted" and scared

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Author Topic: "tainted" and scared
silentcrow
Neophyte
Member # 26469

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Hi.

I'm 16. I've never had 'sex' and I only allowed my past bf to finger me two or three times. I broke up with him over summer and now me and this other guy are talking. I know that this guy is a million times better than my ex [my ex ignored me, lied to me, and did drugs] but I still can't get away from the thoughts of distrust and fear.

I have a past of sexual abuse - from my father. It's taken me years to get over what I thought were my biggest issues. After my mother made my father move out, I wore only XXL tshirts and baggy pants. I had a generally O.K. body, though I had gained some weight from depression-eating. Overall, I was scared to show anything relavent to my body - I hated it. I did go through a long stage of cutting myself and sleepless, crying nights, but those are over now [for the most part].

The summer before freshman year of highschool I broke out of my shell a bit. I started working out and showing my body. Now, a sophmore, I am very proud of my body and all it has to offer. Freshman year [spring semester], I had my first bf. He was great, for the time. I had taken one step forward emotionally and physically towards the end of that relationship, but then I found out that he had been lying to me the entire time about his drug addiction. I broke it off with him. That set me back two steps...

I'm afraid of guys, I always have been, but I thought I had gotten somewhere with my ex. I was wrong. Now I'm "talking" to this other guy, a sweet, Godly, hispanic, [sexy!] guy who constantly calls me beautiful and gorgeous and makes me feel good about myself... but, I can't help but think, is this all an act? Nearly all of me is screaming 'NO!! You're being stupid, he's the real deal,' but there's still a little part of me that doesn't trust him...

I want to tell him about my past, but I don't know how. I've referenced it before, but it wasn't the time to ask, and he knew it [a guy had harrassed me at school and i was talking to him about it, really upset]. I don't want to scare him off - my ex always hated the idea of us 'talking about it.' I know this one would be more understanding... but I can't help but be scared - of him, of telling him...

I don't want him to see me as less of a person because I'm "tainted"...

Help?

Candace


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Deunan Knute
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Member # 25996

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If he's a good guy, he won't think any less of you. If he does think less of you because of your past experiences, then he's probably not the kind of guy who deserves your time and attention in the first place.
Posts: 23 | From: Alberta, Canada | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, it's wise to just take your time.

Give it a few months, at least, of knowing this guy before you divulge something that is so loaded for you. NOT because it might "scare him off," but because it's pretty typical to feel very betrayed and just plain ishy when we give new people very big, sensitve and private information about ourselves.

A lot of people don't react well to being told about sexual abuse, often just because they don't know how: after all, they haven't usually processed their feeligs about it as much as those of us wh are surviviors have. So, even good people -- friends or lovers -- can react badly, even when they love us even when they're not scared of us, even when they think no less of us, if only because us being put through that much pain is painful to them.

It's great to have someone compliment your appearance and find you beautiful, but deep trust is generally built on far bigger, less temporary things. It's wise not to trust people overnight, especially with things which are deeply private and have the potential to still hurt us. It's also wise very early on in relationships -- I'm guessing, this sounds very, very new -- to try not to drop giant bombs in people's laps. If you feel the need to tell someone now, it may be wiser, sounder and safer for you to tell a longtime friend, instead, and give this thing at least some adequate time to even know if it's someone who is going to be around -- and who you want to keep around -- long enough to make your risk here reasonable.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
silentcrow
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Member # 26469

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Thanks so far.

Yes, I understand what y'all are saying, especially Miz Scarlet. I appreciate the comments.

I've known this young man for quite a while now, longer than a year. I didn't even know he liked me until last spring [when I had a bf]. Now, well, since the last month of summer about, we've discussed having a relationship but, so far, there have been some complications. For now though, he really is my comfort and my strength. He holds me when I cry and gives me advice - just assuring you that it's not just that he compliments me on my looks. Although he does tell me that I am beautiful on the outside, he's constantly letting me know that I'm beautiful on the inside, and, even when joking, reminds me that I should never let myself, or others, look down on me and degrade me.

Thank you again. I have some things to think about now


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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(Can I ask if this is something you have only shared or tried to with lovers, rather than with a platonic friend?

And a year is a goodly amount of time to know someone for in this regard. So, I'd still say what I said above, but it doesn't sound like considering this person as someone to tell would be out of order. Mainly, I ask about the friends because while, of course, we'll want very close, intimate partners to know as well, when those are the ONLY people we share or try to share these things with, it can make the whole works feel a lot more precarious, and with a platonic friend, we generally do not have to be concerned with scaring them away, having them leave us, with some sexual dynamics which can come into play, etc. It just is often a much less stressful experience, and has some benefits telling a sexual/romantic partner might not.

And by the by? YOU are your strength, m'dear. Don't forget that. The people around us, those who love us, can certainly help us foster or nurture it, can provide support, but we're our own strength already, and nobody can give that to us OR take it away.)


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silentcrow
Neophyte
Member # 26469

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Thank you Miz Scarlet.

Oh, and I had shared this with a couple platonic friends. My really close friends know most of the 'details' or atleast 'what happened,' other friends that aren't as close are just aware that 'something' happened, they just don't know.

Thanks again.


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