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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » What to do?

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Author Topic: What to do?
Member # 26374

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So, I really like this girl. She had a boyfriend for a long time when I first met her. things weren't going well for them and then they broke up. For a while, I thought she liked me and I sure liked her, then suddenly she got a NEW boyfriend right after breaking up with the old one. It hurt a lot, because I really liked her and thought she liked me back. Right now, I guess we're 'just friends.'

The whole just friends thing hasn't worked too well for me. When I see her, I feel bad because I used to flirt w/ her and have fun, but now I feel like it's not appropriate. What's more, she's wrapped herself up in school and work. I hardly see her anymore. Then, a couple days ago she asked me if I could hang out, and I said sure. She said it'd have to be after five because she had a Dr.s appointment. I asked her if she was getting a follow up on a chest exam she had earlier because her chest was hurting. She said.......... no, she was going so that she could start taking birth control.

How the heck do I react to that? Am I suppose to be happy for her that she's being responsible with her new boyfriend? It's hard enough trying to be friends knowing she doesn't feel about me the way I do her, and accepting that she loves this new guy. Thinking of them using birth control though makes my stomach churn. I know it's none of my business, and I know that there's really nothing wrong w/ her wanting to have sex, but then why does it bother me so? Why would she even tell me that?

My friends and family tell me that I should just cut her out of my life. Stop talking to her and break all emotional ties to her. The thought of doing that tears me apart. It hurts that I talk to her so little now because of school and work, but that I might never see her again is unbearable.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I don't think this is all that complicated.

She told you that because she thinks of you as a friend, and it appears that's the way she thinks of you all around.

Sounds to me like you do not think of her as a friend, and you want a friendship with her primarily in hopes it'll turn into a romantic relationship.

If that's the case, then no: friendship with ulterior motives isn't likely to equal happiness for either of you, and it tends to be a weak foundation for real friendship, besides.

So, seems to me you just need to figure out where you're at. If it's the above, it may be best for everyone for you to either let the friendship become more acquaintenceship OR for you to come clean and tell her you're having trouble having a friendship because you have romantic feelings for her, and deal with how that shakes out.

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 26374

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Actually, we hung out day before yesterday (the day she got the birth control). We were with another friend, so I couldn't really say anything. I really tried to have a good time, but was honestly fighting back tears most of the night. She knew something was wrong. When she went home, I walked her to her car alone and had an hour long talk w/ her and told her I was having trouble being 'just friends.' She didn't really say much else. She said she thinks I'm a great friend, and that she wants to be friends. I think you're right when you say that my wanting to date her is hurting our friendship. btw, wednesday was also the first time I'd seen her since she started dating the new guy a month ago.
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Member # 13388

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Well, she basically said she doesn't have romantic feelings for you. I'm sorry because I know that is a huge let-down. But who would want to be with someone who wasn't interested in him/her, anyway?

So I'd now take the step to heed your friends', family's and Miz Scarlet's advice to take a break from the friendship. If you still felt so strongly for her after not seeing each other for a month, it's probably going to take quite some more time to get over her. That's ok: It sounds hard and hurtful but at least you won't be torturing yourself with her presence.

Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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