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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » need advise (boyfriend vs. best friend)

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Author Topic: need advise (boyfriend vs. best friend)
Sweetness16
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Member # 26342

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Hi everyone! I really need some advise about this and i appreciate the help:

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 months. Well recently, i told him that 4 years ago me and my best friend (of now 8 years) messed around a little (no sex). Well since then he has told me that he feels uncomfortable when i hang out with my best friend and thinks that my best friend should understand and respect that. To me, I feel like i am having to give up my best friend for my boyfriend, but to him, he sees it as giving up someone i messed around with. He says that he does not want to feel this way, and he has tried to be ok with me hanging out with my best friend, but he just can not.
So what do i do? Do i let my best friend take the back seat and stop hanging out with him or do i end it with my boyfriend who i love and care very much for?

i dont want to loose either of them, but there is no compromise that is going to work. its either i stop hanging out with my best friend to save my relationship or i end my relationship. PLEASE HELP!!!


Posts: 3 | From: carrboro, NC, USA | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
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Member # 1207

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I think your boyfriend is being unfair. While i realize it can be difficult for some people to wrap their head around the idea that their partners were with others before them, it's reality ... And the older you get and the more partners you have, the more of a reality it becomes.

I would have a really hard time dumping my best friend because my boyfriend has control and/or trust issues. I would take it very personally if he told me that the only reason he didn't want me hanging out with someone was because i had a past with them ... What does that mean, exactly? Does he think you still have feelings for this guy? Does he think you'd cheat on him? Are there other things going on that haven't been explained here?

In short, i think the issue is with your boyfriend, but the not-letting-you-see-your-bestfriend thing is only a symptom of that. It appears that your boyfriend doesn't trust you to be alone with this guy, and that he's insecure with your relationship. If this is the case, getting rid of the best friend is only a temporary solution ...

[This message has been edited by LilBlueSmurf (edited 11-29-2005).]


Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sweetness16
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Member # 26342

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thanks so much for your reply. the weird thing about the situation is that he swears that it is not a trust issue--that he knows i wont do anything and neither will my friend. He just thinks that i should not want to hangout with someone who i have had a past with (and by a past, i mean kissing and fingering one time). --im not sure if i am allowed to say that or not SORRY!-- he says that if it makes him uncomfortable and i still do it then he is just going ot be mad everytime we hang out and that is going to cause big problems later down the road. i dont know how to make him see that when i think about my best friend i see an 8 year friendship, not someone i messed around with and he sees it the opposite way. I dont know what to say to him anymore.
Posts: 3 | From: carrboro, NC, USA | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
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This seems all about his feelings. Do your feelings and needs/wants not count for much?

So he denies this is a trust issue ... Okay. If it's not a trust issue, to me, it looks like it's a "well i just don't wan't you to see him" issue, and, to me, that's not good enough, especially for a best friend of 8 yrs.

Are you asking him to give up any of his friendships? How do you think he would feel if you did?

Have you offered to go out w/ your best friend and your boyfriend? Maybe if you go out on group dates or something, he may get to know him and feel more comfortable w/ you spending time w/ him.

Either way, this is your decision. You shouldn't base your relationship with your best friend solely on the fact that your boyfriend doesn't think you should see him (which i still think is due to his own insecurities).


Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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