Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Severe Relationship Insecurities

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Severe Relationship Insecurities
BeauteAmericai
Neophyte
Member # 21650

Icon 1 posted      Profile for BeauteAmericai     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I've been dating my current partner for the last two months and everything, at face value, is going great. I can already tell this is by far the most healthy, understanding, and balanced relationship I've ever been in. That's why I don't understand these intense feelings of insecurity I can't seem to shake.

I've suffered from depression since age 14 (I'm not 19) so I'm no stranger to the feelings that seem to be circulating this relationship but I've never experienced these feelings being directly related to a relationship. I've always just been depressed for "no reason".

I find myself twisting everything he says in my mind to mean something negative. For example: He returned a few of my belongings to my apartment the other day saying there was no room in his dorm and I automatically thought to myself "He's going to break up with me. He's getting ready by doing all the hard stuff first." If he doesn't hold eye contact, I assume he's uninterested and would rather be somewhere else. I'm obsessed with his whereabouts and am personally insulted when he wants "a night off" (which I've previously always been able to understand in a relationship and have needed time alone myself). If he doesn't call when he says he will, I'm a mess. I contemplate ways of harming myself because I turn that one occurance into an all incompanying statement about my worth as a person and how all people feel about me.

I can't think, focus, eat, or sleep until I hear from him at night. I worry that he's gotten in a car accident (especially since he's a space cadet and his brother was in a fatal accident just two years ago), or has been harmed in some way. I don't worry I can't trust him, I worry he's not safe if I don't hear from him and it's diabilitating. I'm paralyzed until I hear from him. Hearing the next day that he came home and crashed, too tired to call makes sense at the time but I'm unable to utilize that same knowledge in a similiar situation later on when I'm in the midst of such intense feelings.

I'm a normally confident and secure person and I don't know why this relationship has me shutting down. I think one reason may be that in past relationships, all the problems have been so evident and a central part of them that because nothing serious has come up in the way of issues, I'm trying to find them. Determined they must be there and they're just hiding. Everything is going well and I can't seem to leave that alone. And it's really not as simple as "Just go out and don't think about" because I've tried everything to occupy my mind and rationalize my fears through coping mechanisms and if it was that easy, then I would be feeling better already.

I feel like I'm losing my mind, can anyone relate?

------------------


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Whoo boy, this is a toughie.

But if it's any consolation, I went through something similar in college way back when, and was seriously mortified. I'd always been insanely independent, had been on my own before most people even thought about leaving home, in no way felt I was a codependent person, etc.

For me, I was:
a) absolutely in a depression
b) in panic mode: my partner was going overseas for a while to study JUST as I'd had a horrible injury which made me feel incredibly helpless (and for my character, something like needing to ask strangers to help me walk up a few flights of stairs was a nightmare,
c) more attached to maintaining that relationship than I had been others, as it too, seemed better than any I'd been in in years.

It did pass in time, if that's any consolation, too. But in all honesty, the partner BEING away seemed to be what helped it to pass because I had no choice but to accept things as they were and just deal with my panic.

In retrospect, I also have to wonder if I wasn't TRYING to sabotage the relationship so that I didn't get left by something I liked and wanted and valued. You might want to consider if you're doing same.

Best advice I can give you is to perhaps spend some time with your friendships so you don't get tunnel vision, here. Get out with friends more so that your partners gets time away, and you do as well, without obsessing so much. Voice some of these feelings to your partner: it might help clear your emotional air to tell him that you're feeling very attached to this and it's wigging you out. Do him the favor of letting him know that for whatever reason, you're not feeling as secure as usual, so if you behave oddly, he's got some context.

And probably, there are a few bumps ahead on the road, some conflicts, because really, there pretty much always are where two people are involved. But that will always be the case in nearly any relationship, and it doesn't have to mean the decline of the relationship.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BeauteAmericai
Neophyte
Member # 21650

Icon 1 posted      Profile for BeauteAmericai     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
What you said about investing more into the relationship because it seems of greater worth makes a lot of sense. It's easier for me to be alone because I'm not the best person at finding balance within my life whe factoring someone else into the equation. So while I'm happier, my sense of being is gone. Who I am doesn't appear to be there. I have a greater sense of drive and dedication when I'm not in a relationship. But it's usually a little more subtle than this.

I also just recently (3-4 months ago) left an abusive relationship that encompassed verbal threats of physical harm, infidelity, belittlement, and an unplanned pregnancy I aborted. All in all, my life was a living hell for the 6 months I was with him and now that I have this guy, I can't believe my luck. I don't know how to give to someone I care about, the only way it seems to manifest is in what I think about in my alone time. How much I miss him when he's gone. But it's going beyond "healthy" boundaries and I feel completely out of control. Sitting here crying because I can't see him for two more days just sounds pathetic even as I'm typing it. And I know you're right about the attempt to sabotage. I think a part of me is saying "Wow, if you feel this way after two months...imagine 6 months? A year? You'll be really devestated..." And I recall past heartbreaks and tell myself I don't want to go through that again.

It's funny you should mention nurturing friendships I've really only had one constant friend over the last few years that has been through it all and I really haven't been able to form any others that go beyond a couple superficial months... and this would be his sister. I hadn't met him before but she had always insisted we were just alike and should meet so one day I went over to her house to visit and he happened to be crashing there overnight. We hit it off in an instant. While the connection was nice at first, I worry that I've gotten myself in too deep because she's put in an awkward place again and again by, I'm sure, both of us.

At any rate, thank you for your advice and stories that tell me I'm not alone always help!

------------------
"I'm as pure as the driven slush" Tallulah Bankhead


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, and given how recently you got out of an abusive situation, it's be loopy to even think you've even really begun processing that and healing from it.

It's a lot trickier to try and do that sort of processing -- or to avoid it -- when you're in another new relationship. Not undoable, just generally far more difficult to heal and process while you're trying to start and nurture something new at the same time.

And heartbreak is pretty unavoidable. That's a tough thing to accept, but while we absolutely can do in-advance damage control to some extent, for the most part, it's a risk one has to take, always, if you're going to get invested in any type of relationship. Heck, I'm moving cross-country in a few months, and when I first nurtured my closest friendship of the last six years, I would never have anticipated having the sort of heartbreak I'm feeling from having to leave her.

Might not be a bad idea for you to see if you can't strike out and develp a couple more friendships that aren't related to your partner (which I recognize my last sentence might not have made sound so enticing, but alas).


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BeauteAmericai
Neophyte
Member # 21650

Icon 1 posted      Profile for BeauteAmericai     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Which actually leads me to my next question ...I've never been good with making friends, mostly because I'm a person with very strong feelings regarding what I'm passionate about that are unwavering and I'm unwilling to compromise those. Doesn't sound like such a big deal but factor into that that I'm (apparantly insanely) pro choice, a feminist, and I'm an analytical thinker who can ponder the fate of human beings for hours over coffee. Probably doesn't sound like so much but I've been able to find very few people who can share my passions and interests wich poses a feeling of isolation. I don't even know where to look but because, feminism for example, is such a central part to my being...I couldn't forsee myself having a friendship with someone who was against it or who constantly partied. It's hard for me to find these connections so when I do, I guess I'm holding on tight as evident by this.

I don't even know where to start, I'm in school...I work...I tried to join groups like the Gay-Straight Alliance recently but was shunned for being pansexual (sounded off to me too), everything else costs money, but nothing seems to result in a friendship and I know it's not for lack of trying. I guess I don't know exactly what I'm asking, just illustrating that making friends doesn't seem to be very easy for me and I don't know where to start.

------------------
"I'm as pure as the driven slush" Tallulah Bankhead


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know, one of my closest friends here in Minneapolis is my boxing partner of a few years...who is a poltical conservative. Given what I do for a living, it likely isn't necessary to say how far that is from my politics. He's also a stright male, and I'm queer as the day is long.

But you know, we've had some of the most active, enlightening (on both sides) conversations I've ever had, which have lasted hours over a cuppa.

Other friends of mine are far more in line with me, and save being straight and married, my very best friend here is right where I'm at on this stuff.

Point is, seeking out people who are your doppleganger not only makes finding friendships tougher, if all your friendships were that way, you actually might not be as satisfied as you think. It's cool to be challenged, it's part of growth, and it's part of any loving relationship of equals to have things where we agree to disagree, where we accept people for who they are, and they us, even when we're radically different.

Just might want to bear that in mind.

As to the where? Well, what do you do with your time? Where do you spend it? Do you exercise? other people are usually on the trails, in one's gym, too. Other people probably go to your same coffeehouse: ask to share a table sometimes (Americans could stand to get better at that anyway). Look in your local paper for book or reading clubs, women's groups, volunteer for an action for your local branch of NOW or Naral, what have you. Strike up conversations with other people iny your classes at school. Go to (safe) parties and such alone.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BeauteAmericai
Neophyte
Member # 21650

Icon 1 posted      Profile for BeauteAmericai     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You make a good point about not necessarily closing yourself off to people who don't share your views. It can be a hard hurdle to cross when your views are screeching into halt in front of you and your scared of losing them, losing what's you. It's challenging to have a conversation with someone you are on completely opposite sides of the fence on. I walked right out of an Ethics class this semester almost in tears after an abortion debate. After having an abortion myself this summer, I feel more adament than I ever have about reproductive freedoms and so to socialize with someone knowing that they openly oppose and would have had me continue a pregnancy against my will is beyond my realm of acceptance (for now?). You think I take it too personally?

Maybe I'm just at a point in my life where I'm trying so desperately to put my passions and talents to good use and view opposing views as an obstruction? I guess even the liberal can have a closed mind! I enjoyed reading your experiences regarding unlikely friendships, it's definitely inspiring

Thank you

------------------
"I'm as pure as the driven slush" Tallulah Bankhead


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Without sounding patronizing or cheeseball( here's hoping), I think that when you're young, one is generally VERY strong in one's opinions, and the political is almost entirely personal, very, very much so. So no, I don't think it sounds like you take anything "too personally." I think we all do then. Hey: it's why young people can be amazing, incredible activists.

(And yes, that was a nudge. Vounteer work: great place to meet new people you have passions in common with, great thing to do, period.)


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3