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Author Topic: Sometimes Strangers Are Better ...
Littleprude
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... because they don't judge as harshly as friends and family members do ...

I'm just going to pour my heart out since I have no one else to. I'd greatly appreciate advice and any tips, etc, but I just need someone to hear me out please. I'm both ecstatic and stressed/worried.

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost two months now, since the beginning of October. When we first met, it was sort of by accident. I was meeting a friend at the mall and my current boyfriend was working there alone, so we chatted while I waited for my friend. I think it's safe for me to say that sparks flew for both of us and we just immediately clicked and there was chemistry - I never believed in love at first sight, but in this sense, in this personal example, I think it can be true, at least if you're mature and serious about it.

Our relationship developed very, very quickly, and I found myself going to the mall more and more often to only see him. Fastforwarding ahead, we decided to hook up because we both admitted to liking each other. However, we're keeping it a general secret (only my closer friends know the details). I've had to heighten my secrecy from my friends lately however, because last Sunday, we had sex for the first time. It was my first time ever, and boy did it hurt. I got a lot more emotionally than physically. But I wonder, was it too soon? I'm too young to know what love is, but at the same time, I can't identify my feelings for him in any other way ... He was my first kiss, my first real romantic relationship, my first everything. Am I already regretting this by doubting it? I almost feel like I'm betraying him too, because I'm the one that OKed sex. At first I felt like he was pressuring me into it, but when I told him that, he seemed sincerely concerned, for both me hiding my uncomfort during his physical flirts and he himself feeling dirty, you know? I mean, I quite enjoyed the hugs, hand holding, him rubbing my back and just embracing me tightly against his body and all, but when his hands would travel down south, I got somewhat uncomfortable through my smiles and laughter ... But anyway ...

Problems: He's 7 and a half years older than me ... I'm constantly told by my few less sexual friends that he only wants me for sex, but there are a lot of reasons that make me disagree. I mean, he could get sex whenever he wanted - He's the most romantically savvy person I've ever met, plus he's attractive. I myself am not too attractive on a large scale, regardless of what my boyfriend says - I'm not a perfect size 5, my skin isn't exactly clear or hairless, etc. (I'll throw myself a bone and say I'm not THAT bad, but still - Some people look better with their clothes on). I'm sure he wouldn't have put up with my prude personality for very long if all he wanted was sex. And plus, overall, he's not all that dirty, just very open with his sexuality ... I mean, though he jokes and talks about us having sex every day of the week, several times a day, adn him "molesting" me, we never go through with things like that. We really just cuddle, talk, and hang out.

(Yes, that's another thing. I am VERY prude, hence the name. But after this, I've become a bit more open minded to the sexuality of younger people ... Still though, I feel like I've betrayed my principles for the sake of "love," if that's what it is, I hope.)

Also, I have to hide this relationship from my parents. Why? Because they'd kill me, especially my less understanding and neurotic mother ... Also, Up until, quite literally, last week, I was a minor, which is just another reason for me to wonder if what I did was wrong ... I'm far more mature and understanding than a lot of others my age, but at the same time, I know I'm no where near fully developed in the head. I'm only intelligent as far as I am aware, so for all I know, I really could be just another stupid teenager who's just not childish or something. I don't know.

Benefits: He's both experienced and wise in this horrible existance called life. He's gone through a lot of crappy relationships and was even married for four years (before his wife cheated on him), and has vowed to never harm me in those cruel ways he was harmed. And so far, he's been treating me fantastically (he said himself that he's never paid this much attention to a girl before). Also, up until I met him, I avoided relationships like the plague. I felt that having a boyfriend was shallow and pointless ... but I didn't realize that I was simply looking at all the wrong immature, childish boys ... Heh. I never click with people on the first day I friggan' meet them. That's gotta count for something, right?

... I'm not quite sure where I'm trying to go with this ... but there's my whole story, basically, I think (it's a lot more complicated than this of course). Any comments, answers, replies, etc. will be most appreciated. I just dearly needed to write my thoughts down and get this off my chest.


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DarkChild717
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Wow. That was an awfully long post.

A few things stood out to me.

First, you don't give your location, nor your age. I'm curious whether or not you're above consenting age, with a partern 7 years older than yourself.

As for your sexual relations themselves--sex should not hurt physically. Were you fully aroused? Were you using plenty of lube? Would you have different feelings if your first experience had not been painful?

Also, are you comfortable with him joking about "molesting" you? That sends up a red flag for me.

It is possible to feel love at any age. There's no age limit on those feelings.


Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Deunan Knute
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I know how you feel. My boyfriend is 8 years older than me, has been my first for everything, and is a secret from my family as well. I also went against my religious beliefs about premarital sex for him. I don't feel so bad about it now though, cause he did everything in his power to make our "official" first time special.

Should you choose to have sex with him again, I'd suggest using some lube to make things go a bit easier. I've rarely had to use it, but it makes things much more pleasant when it is needed.

My boyfriend also teases about "raping" me when he's being playful. He acts the same way around some of his guy friends too.

I hope things go as well for you as they have so far for me(we've been dating for over a year now). Good luck!


Posts: 23 | From: Alberta, Canada | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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There's so nothing funny about rape and molestation, nor anything "playful" or acceptably amusing.

If you (any of you) have a partner who teases in that regard. it's time to get that message across NOW.


Posts: 68189 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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Prude, you oughtta read the following: http://www.scarleteen.com/sexuality/readiness.html http://www.scarleteen.com/sexuality/firsttime.html http://www.scarleteen.com/relationships/safety.html

Also, you said he's 7 years old, and you're young. And there's the "molesting" part. He might actually be right and acknowledge something serious. It's likely that it's ILLEGAL for you guys to have sex. Should you get caught, he could be into a lot of trouble. THat could include jail time or registration as a sex offender. If you care about his well-being, you might wanna consider abstaining until it's legal in your area.

lAstly, while it's important to listen to you r heart, do NOT ignore the people around oyu HTey have insight as observers that oyu don't as a participant. If everyone's universally against him, think about if there's a specific reason for it. And think about how secret you want to stay. Wouldn't you feel better and freer if you didn't have to be secret? Why do you want to be secret? Do you feel an inkling that something might be wrong? If so, think about that inkling and dont ignore your apprehensions.

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Deunan Knute
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"There's so nothing funny about rape and molestation, nor anything "playful" or acceptably amusing.
If you (any of you) have a partner who teases in that regard. it's time to get that message across NOW."

i agree that there's nothing funny about rape, but because of the blatant way that my boyfriend uses it as a joke, I have no problem with it. Saying "Oh, I'm TOTALLY going to rape your FOOT, Scott!" to one of his friends before shooting silly string at him doesn't seem like anything more than a simple maturity problem.

Although there are some people out there who are actually into the whole rape fantasy and bondage thing, that's typically reserved for the more kinky types.


Posts: 23 | From: Alberta, Canada | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Littleprude
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"i agree that there's nothing funny about rape, but because of the blatant way that my boyfriend uses it as a joke, I have no problem with it. Saying "Oh, I'm TOTALLY going to rape your FOOT, Scott!" to one of his friends before shooting silly string at him doesn't seem like anything more than a simple maturity problem."

That's how my boyfriend jokes about the raping/molesting thing and I completely trust him in that way. I joke back like that too when I'm in a particularly sexual mood, like "If you were there when I woke up from that hot dream, you woulda been RAPED little boy!! I would pounce on you and tear off your clothes like in the NBA!!"


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Heather
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Know what?

*I* really do not want to read this kind of "joking" here. It also should not be posted here, as we have an awful lot of rape and abuse survivors here, and these kinds of statements can be very triggering. Opening this page with my first cup of coffee and reading that last sentence, to say the least, did NOT make my day. It made me sick to my stomach.

Moreover, you may want to give some thought to why, when you're feeling "sexual," you're handling it by expressing -- even in jest -- sexual violence, and if that's really going to create the sort of sexual dynamic you want in your life and your relationships; especially when on the other hand, you're stating strong sexual boundaries.

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 11-28-2005).]


Posts: 68189 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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