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Author Topic: am I a bitch?
retarded_brat
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Hi,
It's been ages since I last posted in here, let alone log on!. What can I say except that I was really busy and didnt have any time to BREATHE let alone post here?! (lame excuse I know, so i'll quit trying to defend myself!).

Anyway, to cut to the chase, I was recently involved in a relationship with a good friend who I have known for about 5-6 years now. We were at the same school together. We started dating about a year ago.

Unfortunately I had to move to a different country for university while he remained back home. Needless to say this added a lot of strain to the relationship, and long distance is never easy right?. Anyway, things got difficult because he became more and more *needy and clingy* and I had a hard time dealing with this. I was going through a lot myself at the time (being away from home in a strange country for the first time in my life, not having a single familiar face around you, exam stress, having to do everything on your own after living at home all your life...heck I didnt even know how to cook before I got here!).

I guess end of the day he and I had different ideas of what a relationship should be. To him, it was basically two people becoming one. They do everything together, spend every single minute possible on the phone with each other, and basically have no life except for each other. Which is fine for some, but not for me, and end of the day, preferences differ right?. My idea of a relationship was something where the two people love each other yada yada but also have a life of their own. I need my space. I dont like having people constantly wanting to know what I'm upto and whats going on in my life, especially when it has nothing to do with the relationship. The guy even had a problem with me wanting to call some friends of mine who were overseas!. (he figures that if I stick to just emailing other people, I would have MORE time to talk to him, since overseas calls arent cheap etc). Needless to say, I tolerated this as much as I could, but then I flipped. Broke up with him, 9 months into the relationship (thing started getting bad from around month 5 onwards). He went through the usual stages of Denial, Anger, Frustration etc, but unfortunately never reached the Acceptance stage!. Kept moving between denial and anger mixed with a healthy (or should I say unhealthy!?) dose of frustration. Resulting in the usual calls at 3am in the morning with him crying on the phone telling me he hates me...the whole nine yards. I conscienteously ignored all this and tried to get on with the rest of my life.

He was quiet for about 2 months or so after this. Then he called me and spoke very nicely and apologised for the things he said to me. He didnt apologise for the way he behaved though, and I didnt bring it up either. He said he wanted to have a cease fire, for us to remain friends by keeping in touch over email only (since calls seemed too close for comfort!) until we could meet again in the summer in our home country and talk things over and see what happens. I agreed to this because I still had feelings for the guy (yeah I know I'm sad) and if nothing else, cared a lot about the friendship (he's been there for me a lot before we started dating and all that meant a lot to me).
So this went on for about 2 weeks, but then he started asking me to call him and saying that he wanted to call me. When I refused to talk to him on the phone (I didnt want to push the cease fire too far, and also I was under a lot of stress so I might have ended up using him as a punching bag, which was not fair and I explained all this to him). I said "in the best interests of BOTH of us, lets just stick to emails". He didnt get the point. Basically kept asking me and on and on and on, and he started acting all needy and whiny again. Asked me how on earth could I hurt him so much, didnt I love him, didnt I see how much he loved me etc. It was driving me crazy!
I didnt want to email him back and ask him to go to hell, namely because if I had done that I would have got a volley of very pissed off/"hurt" emails from him (poor lil victim...argh!) or worse, phone calls of the same nature. So basically now what I do is just mechanically type back everytime "lets just stick to emails, I hope things are cool at your end etc".

The thing is, I've come to realise lately that I dont really want to get back with him. I still have feelings for the guy (boy am I sad!), but I dont think it's gonna work out, so I dont want to just make matters worse when it seems painfully obvious it's not gonna work. If by chance we get back together over the summer, it's just going to be a repeat of the same story when I come back here for my second year.
and I also feel a lot better about everything when I'm single because I can do my own thing and I dont have to answer to anyone. I've basically come to realise that I'm actually enjoying it being single!. I can focus better on my studies, I can go out with my friends here, I can do whatever the hell I like!. And for the first time in my life since I was 17, I dont feel like I need a guy to feel good about myself. But I KNOW for a fact that he wont understand all this. He will just accuse me of bailing out when he tried so hard (tried too hard in fact!) and basically make me look like the bitch. Am I the bitch here?. I'm really scared I'll turn into one of those high powered rich bitch kinda person whom nobody loves (the kind you see in movies with a zillion cats...no offence to cat people, just a stereotype i know). What do I do?. I know this post is miles long sorry about this, any help would be very greatly appreciated. I know no one can say what to do, but could I have some feedbck whether I have made any "wrong" desicions so far?.
Thanks so much for reading this!.

[This message has been edited by retarded_brat (edited 05-24-2003).]


Posts: 134 | From: United Kingdom | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
frozendreams
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might you be sending him mixed feelings?
if you want to stay friends and only friends let him know that and if he doesnt accept it then tell him that you cant talk to him or have anything to do with him at all. if you dont want to be with him then that is your choice and no one can make your feelings change.
if i were you i would probably stop all communication with him (even the emails) and figure out what i really want. you sound like you dont want a relationship and maybe you should just tell him that your feelings have changed and you dont want to be with him and that he needs to move on. tell him what caused you to feel like this and if he still doesnt accept it then just tell him that you want nothing more to do with him and avoid all communication.

you are not being a bitch you are doing what is right for you and that is all you need to think about. it is very rare when everyone involved in a breakup will be happy about it, but just do what is right for you and he will just have to move on and get over it. dont give him any other options unless you want to continue a friendship (which doesnt sound to me is a very good idea). he will eventually move on, meanwhile just take care of yourself and dont worry about him.

im sorry if this is not the advice you were looking for but it seems to me you dont want him anymore and that what i told you would be best for you.
good luck!

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formerly unhappykoger
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retarded_brat
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Thanks frozen..really appreciate the reply.
Well, to be honest, I HAVE considered the fact that I might be giving him the wrong impression. Thing is, I dont want to tell him anything as yet over email (it seems so impersonal, and phone calls arent any better). He's been there a lot for me in the past, and I feel that I owe him a proper explanation as to why I feel this way, rather than just an email saying "I've had it..bye bye". The thing is, even if I type out everything i feel to him, he STILL wouldnt just accept it, and he'd reply, and i'd have to reply that and it would just get really really messy. I'd be meeting him in August, so isnt it better to discuss this face to face?. I have already told him not to have any hopes that we would get back. I've told him a zillion times that ALL I agreed to do was talk things over with him. So any impressions he gets out of these things Ive said are entirely his own imagination right?. I know that when you love someone deeply you read into every little action of theirs, and maybe he just wants to believe that no matter what we will get back. But i have never ever told him we would, just merely agreed to talk face to face and have some kind of closure. I hope you understand why I cant do anything better because my hands are tied at the moment since he and I are in seperate countries and cant really discuss this.

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"I'm no good at putting myself in other people's shoes, I'm too busy getting my own to fit." - A.D. (Adam Duritz)


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Heather
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Making someone wait months and months for information that you're done with a relationship is an awfully long time to make them wait.

No, email isn't ideal, but it's more ideal than setting someone up to lie in wait for a fall for such a long time, IMO.

Is it going to be messy? Probably, breakups usually are. Life is messy, emtoions and relationships are complicated and messy. So be it.

How about if instead of "telling him to go to hell," you tell him the saner, kinder parts of what you have said here, such as the fact that you simply don't want what he wants, whatever your feelings may be, and that you want to be single right now, are enjoying such and that it's time to cut the cord. You can also say you would prefer to have discussed this in person, and can resolve it in person in August if you both feel then you need that, but this is the best you can do in this scenario.

Sounds to me like you're rationalizing a little because you just don't want to deal with the cleanup and fallout right now, which is understandable, but stringing it out isn't likely to make things any better. I'd handle it now.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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retarded_brat
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Thanks Miz, what you say rings true...
The thing is, I'd love to get back with him IF there is a chance that he wouldnt go back to his insecure clingy ways. Maybe talking things over face to face might make him realise that he needs to grow up and mature out a little and give me my own space?. Is that wishful thinking?. Or am I just looking for excuses not to do anything definite right now?. Is it wrong to give this every chance I can, so that if it doesnt work out, then I wont feel regret that I didnt try everything possible?.

When I say I enjoy being single, it means that I enjoy NOT being in a relationship with HIM the way he was starting to act. I dont think my demands of a relationship are unfair. Are they?.. Am I asking for too much?. I know that no relationship is a bed of roses much as we'd like it to be, and we have to accept that much as we dont like to admit it.

I know I sound pretty muddled, I wish I could express it better. Or maybe I'm just looking for excuses. It's like I feel different things at different times. Sometimes I just want to get the whole thing over with and just tell him firmly that I dont want anything ever (attitude of "wanting to get it over with" is very wrong, I know) and sometimes I just want to give this everything I can to see if it works out or not (also wrong if in the process I mislead anyone, including myself). I hate being this analytical about everything!.

Thanks for listening and putting up with this!

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"I'm no good at putting myself in other people's shoes, I'm too busy getting my own to fit." - A.D. (Adam Duritz)


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Heather
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Sounds like you both simply want different things out of a relationship.

So, what you're reading as his clinginess, strikes me as simply a need on his part for bigger committment and for more time and attention. If he needs that, he needs it. If you can't provide that or don't want to, you can't. It may not be so simplstic as his not being mature or needing to "grow up." And even if he does needd to work on his self-esteem, not getting his needs met from a partner isn't going to be a good environment to work on that in. Again, you're sounding pretty quick to decide his needs are a failing in him rather than the fact that for whatever reason, those are just his needs, just like yours are yours.

It happens very often that we like and care for someone who we just can't have a romantic relationship with because our needs are divergent (just had a split from someone I was dating myself recently regarding a similar scenario). And it's really not fair to ask someone to change their needs: not only often can we not change that, the best relationships for us are going to be those where those needs get met.

When we have a pretty good idea that just isn't possible, trying to prtend it is or work around that generally isn't very sound or healthy.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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retarded_brat
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True, I hadnt quite thought about it that way. I have my finals coming up in 2 weeks time so I really need to be focusing on that at the moment. I will tell him this as soon as my finals are out of the way. I'll email him and explain everything to the best of my ability, and then explain it better to him in person in August (if he's still talking to me then!) and if he can't deal with that, nothing I can do about it i guess. You're right, it sucks when you like someone you can't be with. But thats reality and it's easier to face it now than later I guess.
Thanks a lot for your help and advice. I really appreciate it

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"I'm no good at putting myself in other people's shoes, I'm too busy getting my own to fit." - A.D. (Adam Duritz)


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retarded_brat
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I spoke to him on the phone today and I told him about how I felt. It was really awful. We were both crying. And I really hate myself now for hurting him the way I did because he is one of the nicest people I know. I only wish it was possible to have a relationship with him, but after speaking to him today I realised that he deserves so much more than me. I wish he knew how much it kills me to just say that I dont want him as anything more than a friend. He thinks that I have stopped caring for him or something of that nature. If only he knew. But telling him wouldnt change anything and it will only make it harder for him. I just feel so alone right now. I wish things didnt have to be this way. I have been crying for the past 3 hours and I feel like such a wreck. I just hate the way things turn out. And I wish I had a friend whom I could talk to about this, but there isnt. It's just ME. And it just kills. And it doesnt help that I'm not 1000% sure whether what I did was right or not. I'm just so confused right now I dont know what to think anymore. All I know is that I love him with all my heart and wish that things could be different...

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"I'm no good at putting myself in other people's shoes, I'm too busy getting my own to fit." - A.D. (Adam Duritz)


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retarded_brat
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okay, even newer developments....we spoke again and he asked me if we could talk once again when we meet in August and see where it's heading. He promised not to pester me with phonecalls and promised to stick to emails until then. We agreed to discuss all the issues we have with each other and see if there were any places where we could compromise, and if not, come to a mutual agreement to not get back, and he said if that were the case, then the friendship would have a better chance of surviving at any rate. What do you think?. I'm really scared that I will let the fact that I really like the guy talk me into convincing myself this is going to work. I dont want impaired judgment, but how can my judgment not be impaired when I still like him?. Or is it really impaired?. Would I be making a huge mistake if I DONT get back with him, IF I feel I shouldnt after we've spoken?. I know this is all highly premature, heck I've got till August to grit my teeth and get grey hairs over this!..But any feedback on this would be very welcome! ..I know for sure I still like him a lot, and I also know for sure that no matter what happens I would still want his friendship. Even though as Miz suggested, our needs are divergent, maybe we could come to a compromise?. Or would it just be denying the truth and making it even more painful in the long run?...HELP!!

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"I'm no good at putting myself in other people's shoes, I'm too busy getting my own to fit." - A.D. (Adam Duritz)


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-Jill
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Have you considered cutting off contact completely until August? I think giving yourself some distance will make it easier to look at the situation clearly and evaluate how you feel and what would be best for you. Something to consider.
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retarded_brat
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I actually DID want that, whereas he wanted complete contact via all the possible routes (phone/email etc). So basically email was the best deal I could get under the circumstances!. I admit it WOULD be better for both of us if we cut off all contact completely, but I guess the ideal isnt possible, and this is better than nothing..

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"I'm no good at putting myself in other people's shoes, I'm too busy getting my own to fit." - A.D. (Adam Duritz)


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BruinDan
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quote:
Originally posted by retarded_brat:
So basically email was the best deal I could get under the circumstances!


Horsepucky. You get back there and tell him you don't feel like having any contact. You are not under any obligation to maintain contact if you don't want to do so, and you don't need to compromise on something that affects your personal well-being. If you think it would be best not to have contact, get in there, say so, and have no contact.

But don't be settling for something less than what you want, when you know it won't be the best thing for you. That just isn't right.

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BruinDan, "Number Three," FHOM

Beware the naked man who offereth you his pants.


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retarded_brat
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Thanks Dan..

I hear what you are saying, but I really can't deal with having to bother explaining why I want zero contact with him. I guess I'm taking the easy way out. Ok I KNOW I'm taking the easy way out. It's just that I have my finals in a week's time and I really dont want to deal with the after effects of his reaction. It sounds easy on paper (or on the screen in this case!) to say "yeah I'll block his email address, I'll not answer the phone when he calls etc". But it's simply NOT that easy and I've tried it before, and it's just not worked. And right now, I dont really care anymore, it's easier for me to deal with a few emails rather than fight it to the very end and deal with the feedback from him. I know this is the wrong desicion and personally I wouldnt do it if I felt I had a better option but I dont feel like I do.

Plus emailing isnt really killing me, kinda neutral. And certainly much better than screening calls and fighting about this with him!.

I know I sound like a coward (I am) but sometimes it's just easier (dont lecture me about this! ). It sounds like I'm making excuses, but really, I dont think emailing is a bad idea. I dont think it's a GOOD idea either, so I dont mind compromising on this. It's not like I'm forcing myself to do it here. Does that make sense?

Thanks so much for all your support, fingers crossed atleast this time he keeps up his side of the deal!.

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"I'm no good at putting myself in other people's shoes, I'm too busy getting my own to fit." - A.D. (Adam Duritz)

[This message has been edited by retarded_brat (edited 05-28-2003).]


Posts: 134 | From: United Kingdom | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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