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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » bad luck with girls

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Author Topic: bad luck with girls
ShortGuy622
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why is it that whenever i ask a girl out they say no? ive asked like 6 girls and they all said no, because "im too nice" or "we're too close as friends." i dont get it! my friends who are girls said im pretty cute and i have a great personality, so why arent they interested? its really bothered me lately, seeing all the dumb jocks and jerks who have girlfriends and im standing there with no one to kiss, or even just hold hands with. can someone please explain this to me?
Posts: 10 | From: Woodbridge, Virginia, USA | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Daydreamer24
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It might be that you're such a good & "nice" friend, your girl-friends don't want to lose you as that. But don't stop being nice just because you want a girlfriend! If a boy was mean to me that would make me not like him! So just be yourself.

Just because you're "cute" or whatever doesn't mean that's how you're going to get a girlfriend! Looks aren't as important as you think they are.

Your time will come soon enough; just dont rush it!!!

[This message has been edited by Daydreamer24 (edited 04-22-2002).]


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Sun Wu
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I feel daydreamer is being far too optimistic for her own good.

I hate to be cruel, but an alternate meaning of "nice guy" can mean that you are nice, but a totally unconfident doormat. Seriously. Do you let other guys push you around? Do you demonstrate alpha male qualities? Are you popular? Good looking? Do you work out? How traditionally "masculine" are you? What do girls have to gain by going out with you?

Another thing to consider is thus:
What is your strategy on asking girls out? (how do you time it and stuff like that) Do you make use of informants to ascertain situations before asking girls out? What kinds of girls have you been asking out?

I know I've answered your question with 10 more questions, but I feel they are valid to consider.


Posts: 117 | From: Where does my name remind you of? well it's wrong! | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
badly_behaved_badger
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I'm sorry ShortGuy! I can understand how frustrating it could be for every girl you ask out to say no. At the same time, just think how lucky you are to be able to be friends with girls. I know a lot of boys who don't even TALK to girls, let alone go out with them!

I can't say what it is about you that makes girls say no - I don't know you. If there's no reason that you can think of, they might just be worried about losing your friendship - like daydreamer24 said.

There is no magic 'way' to get girls to go out with you, coz every girl has different tastes in boys, but if you take your time and be patient, your chance will come!
*lotsa hugs from da bajjah*


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ShortGuy622
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i know that its not looks that count daydreamer, i was just sayn that my girl-friends said im cute, not me. and Sun, thanks for the "tough love." i guess i needed that.
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Daydreamer24
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quote:
Originally posted by Sun Wu:
I feel daydreamer is being far too optimistic for her own good.

Would you mind explaining what you mean by that??


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Maryha
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Okay, I agree with both Sun Wu and Daydreamer24 to an extent. In truth, though, it may not be about you at all. I know, because I've been in the position of rejecting a guy that's perfectly wonderful.
The thing is, sometimes there just isn't chemistry. . . These girls just may not feel or think "that way" about you. Not like that's a bad thing. . . It just may not be there.
Don't worry too much about getting a girlfriend, especially if it means changing yourself, and if you do, do so for you. A girl should like you for who you are, not who they want you to be.
If what your friends say is true, then you've got nothing to worry about. Keep in mind, there is not logic to relationships and dating. Chemistry is a precarious and iffy thing. It's no simple matter. There's nothing wrong with you that you haven't got it just yet.

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Sun Wu
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ShortGuy622, it's not just "tough love" I'm trying to do for you... I'm asking serious questions that you should honestly try to answer, and I hope you do.

Questions and conflict only lead to growth. "From Conflict We Grow" is a philosophy that when fully understood can impart interesting benefits. You learn little or nothing from destructive conflicts. The situation rarely repeats itself and natural chaotic nature of such situations is nearly impossible to recreate. However, by turning a conflict into a constructive one, even though it cannot be recreated perfectly, you learn more, and grow. Think of questions as constructive conflict.

Now, from this, I hope you can see Daydreamer24 what I mean. You didn't encourage ShortGuy622 to grow or question himself, almost assuming the way he is is just fine. That's how I feel you are being too optimistic. I'm assuming ShortGuy622 is a teenager, therefore it's far too early to assume he's all he needs to be and doesn't have to push his boundaries to grow. I can push some of my boundries, we all can. Even if he feels he's ok the way he is, he can still improve. We all can improve, and that's the point I'm trying to make.

Edited to add: Maryah, by the 6th girl, there is usually a pattern by then. Things are not right when that occurs.

[This message has been edited by Sun Wu (edited 04-24-2002).]


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Daydreamer24
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quote:
Originally posted by Sun Wu:
Edited to add: Maryah, by the 6th girl, there is usually a pattern by then. Things are not right when that occurs.

[This message has been edited by Sun Wu (edited 04-24-2002).]


A 6th girl? I don't exactly understand what you're trying to say, Sun Wu.

You're telling the boy he needs to have superficial qualities for someone to like him, and that is definitely not true. Girls are NOT all about how strong you are, what you look like, how popular you are, etc.

Don't make assumptions about people like that. Like Maryha said, there might not be the chemistry there between his him and his girl-friends, or as I stated they might not want to lose him as a friend.


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Sun Wu
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ShortGuy622 gave me the impression that he asked out 6 girls in certian period of time, and not a long one at that. My point was that though Maryha is correct to say that the girls said no due to lack of chemistry, something isn't right with the girls or ShortGuy622 when 6 say no. There doesn't have to be chemistry for a girl to say yes. I do see that happen, they say yes out of lack of decisiveness or they don't want to be 'mean.'

I never told ShortGuy622 to have any superficial qualities. I asked if he had any, if that's what you mean. It's one thing to be a very nice interesting guy, but with the confidence of a turnip.

Lots of not so nice guys get tons of girls because they're confident. That's what I was trying to push at. My problem with your advice was you didn't help him much. Tell him to keep doing what he's doing? Obviously that's not working, so he needs to do some soul searching and figure out why his methods aren't working for him.


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Celtic Daisy
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I disagree sun wu. I don't think someone should have to change themselves just to get a date. I think it's more likely that if they continue to be themselves it will happen. I'm more inclined to agree with maryha (sp).

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'You've got the eyes of ten women. Not in a jar! I wasn't accusing you. I just mean your eyes are really nice'-coupling

Erin Jane
~Scarleteen Advocate~


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Sun Wu
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So you're telling me, Celtic-Daisy, that when things aren't going your way, you don't think, "What can I do better?"
Posts: 117 | From: Where does my name remind you of? well it's wrong! | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Celtic Daisy
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I'm not trying to get argumentative here, but soul searching to me implies a drastic change. I don't know if you meant that or not. I see your point, but you have to be careful with what you're changing. When something isn't working for me, i usually see what i can change about the situation, not myself, unless i can clearly see i'm being mean or just making the situation worse. It's unusual for me to want to make any changes about myself.

I myself find over confident guys to be a turn off. I usually end up crushing after the shy ones who don't say much. This could be another thing to look at. What kind of girl you're going after. See if you can tell what kind of guy she's interested in. But like i said, i don't believe any kind of big change is necessary just to get a date.

------------------
'You've got the eyes of ten women. Not in a jar! I wasn't accusing you. I just mean your eyes are really nice'-coupling

Erin Jane
~Scarleteen Advocate~


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Celtic Daisy
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Looking back and re-reading again, i liked the questions you posted, sun wu. hey're very valid, and also re-reading, i realize the change you were saying was build up confidence. (while i don't know if this is a problem, because you didn't really specify) that's not a bad idea, but like i just said previously, don't be overconfident.

And with that said, i'd like to end this little argumentitive stage and get back to the real question.

------------------
'You've got the eyes of ten women. Not in a jar! I wasn't accusing you. I just mean your eyes are really nice'-coupling

Erin Jane
~Scarleteen Advocate~


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ML
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quote:
Originally posted by ShortGuy622:
why is it that whenever i ask a girl out they say no?

No worries, mate.

Ever heard that song The Middle by Jimmy Eat World? Life can be like that.

But, I do have some questions:

A) Are you confident in who you are (none of this "Alpha-Male" leadership bull)? It's not about superficiality...it's about whether you're nice because you're insecure, or nice because you have nothing to prove to other people and you're just according respect and other such qualities.
B) Do you take care of yourself emotionally, physically (poss. spiritually) etc.? If you do, this contributes to your confidence and self-worth/self-esteem which flows through your personality. It gives you a freshness, and radiates from your personality.

Both of these questions having nothing to do the end goal being to change yourself just so you can get a girl. These girl problems might merely be a sign of an underlying issue that you need to change certain things about yourself that might make you more healthy, emotionally, physically, (and poss. spiritually) as a person. The point is not to change for the girls, but to ensure that you are taking all steps necessary to ensure that you are the best person you can be...for Yourself. It’s a simple process of self analysis and determination...we all go through it at times (or at least, we all should go through it). If you decide there are certain things that you need to change, don’t do it for the girls, do it because you want the best personal health you can have and you will feel better about yourself. If it changes how girls react towards you, right on, that’s a bonus. If it doesn’t change how girls react towards you...well...I don’t know about you mate...but College is just teeming with girls and there’s no question in my mind that at least one of them won’t be able to get enough of you...one way or another...trust me...

Take care,

ml


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mingo
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Shortguy,
Sun Wu has some points. Maybe you should try asking someone that isn't a friend of longstanding. Make a point to meet somebody new, get to know them a little bit (a week or 2, not 6 months) and ask them out. If you become known as the guy on who's shoulder she cries when the guy she's dating treats her bad, she won't want to lose you for that (I have a friend that's the World Champion at this). also, I assume your a teenager, dating as a teen is as much about status as it is anything else, sad but true, and if your shooting for folks too far up the pecking order they may feel they CAN'T date you without losing status themselves. This is a cynical view of teen culture but I never asked why after Columbine, I knew.

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We are starstuff, we are the universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out

[This message has been edited by mingo (edited 04-30-2002).]


Posts: 126 | From: Ferndale, Mi USA | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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