Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Friends

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Friends
PeachBlossom
Neophyte
Member # 98783

Icon 1 posted      Profile for PeachBlossom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi,

I have a male friend who has some issues. We are only friends, and there is no intention to go farther. We have been talking, and he has been really supportive and understanding of things so far. We have been friends for a while now, and are very close.

This all sounds good, but recently I have been getting the impression that something is up. Sometime soon, I will find out and it will not be good. I am kind of getting some worried. Although things are great, I do not know if to dismiss this, or to start taking it into consideration when I am around him. Start changing some of the places he has access to, and not warn him. We are really good friends, and we both have a lot of knowledge. I have had no actual reason to think this way, also I have been overly cautious before.
There are reasons why I am cautious, so its not all nothing. Also, he always has been very well to me. We have given a lot of trust, and taken care of the other.
To ask more clearly, should I keep to our usual ways, or be more careful?
I apologize for spelling or grammar mistakes.
Thank you for reading my post.

--------------------
Mожно привыкнуть ко всему - даже ад.

Posts: 15 | From: Ukraine | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey, Peach Blossom.

I'm afraid I don't understand what you're asking about here. I don't know what the "this" is you think you will find out that won't be good, or why you're thinking about changing places he has access to, or what those places even are.

Also, should you be more careful about what?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PeachBlossom
Neophyte
Member # 98783

Icon 1 posted      Profile for PeachBlossom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I apologize, I mean that our friendship as the "this". I do not know what I will find out, I have the feeling, that some thing is going to be bad. Feeling like when one meet someone and thinks that the person is not safe to be around?
Does what I am saying sound possible, would there be a reason to be more careful around him, and what he can get in. He can get into most of my things, email, facebook, phone... Or should I just know that we have been friends for long time and he is good person. I ask because I do not know and maybe others are not looking from close up so they can see in different way. My english is not that good, so I apologize.
Thank you for response.

--------------------
Mожно привыкнуть ко всему - даже ад.

Posts: 15 | From: Ukraine | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So, you feel like this person is going to share something with you that makes clear they are not a safe person to be around?

Personally, I'm a big proponent of people not giving their friends or partners full access to all their stuff, online or off, period. Having some sense of or privacy is really important for healthy relationships. So, even if this person IS safe, I'd say some boundaries around the things you mentioned are a good idea, no matter what.

In other words, even if he is an AWESOME person, healthy relationships need healthy boundaries, because even with trust, people need some separation and privacy. Make sense?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PeachBlossom
Neophyte
Member # 98783

Icon 1 posted      Profile for PeachBlossom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I understand, I do not give him access, he knows me good enough to know what passwords I use. I do not think he ever goes, just knows. I say find, but do not mean that we will share, I mean it as some thing will happen, or he will do something. I do not know to believe what I feel or not to. I know he can do a lot of harm if he chooses.

--------------------
Mожно привыкнуть ко всему - даже ад.

Posts: 15 | From: Ukraine | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Why do you think this person you are friends with has the capacity to do you or anyone else harm?

Like I said, either way, when we pick passwords, we need to pick passwords friends or others can't guess. That's just basic internet and tech security. So, how about you change your passwords today just because the way you have been doing it doesn't sound safe or secure -- or private -- no matter WHAT kind of person this is?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PeachBlossom
Neophyte
Member # 98783

Icon 1 posted      Profile for PeachBlossom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I will change passwords, thank you. My friend is strong, he fought a lot before, and is good fighter. He has done lot of problem when he fight. He has never harm me, or almost done it though. He has not let others harm me. If he chooses to do me harm, he is good at fast, painful, not seeable.

--------------------
Mожно привыкнуть ко всему - даже ад.

Posts: 15 | From: Ukraine | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Can I ask, then, why it sounds like you're worried about him hurting YOU or telling you something that you're afraid of?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PeachBlossom
Neophyte
Member # 98783

Icon 1 posted      Profile for PeachBlossom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Recently, he seems not usual. His usual touch is not same. He touches much harder, I tell him. He is to me as he has been to other who he hurt. I do not know if it small time then go, or if he will hurt. Not before, but now he change. He say good, but it not feel true. If he hurt, it my problem. I do not know if i false, or if maybe it be true.
He is hard. I know that much time, but it get bad recently. Maybe I do not understand.

[ 11-03-2012, 07:45 PM: Message edited by: PeachBlossom ]

--------------------
Mожно привыкнуть ко всему - даже ад.

Posts: 15 | From: Ukraine | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Redskies     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi, PeachBlossom.

Are you saying that you told him he was touching you too hard, but he told you it was ok and it was your problem?

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PeachBlossom
Neophyte
Member # 98783

Icon 1 posted      Profile for PeachBlossom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I tell him he touch too hard, he say he will change, but he do not. I know if he hurt me, then be my problem. I apologize, my english not good when worry.

--------------------
Mожно привыкнуть ко всему - даже ад.

Posts: 15 | From: Ukraine | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Redskies     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Please don't worry about your English - I just want to be sure that we understand each other correctly so that I can be useful to you. I don't think I do well in my second languages when I'm upset or worried, either.

What you're describing there is not good or acceptable behaviour from him. People shouldn't hurt us when we've asked them not to, and when we've told them that something hurts, it's their responsibility to change what they're doing.

It's actually not hard to change how we're treating someone if they tell us we're hurting them. If someone keeps hurting us, keeps saying that they will change but they don't change, it usually means that they do not want to change or that they don't care enough about us to try.

I promise you, when he hurts you, it is Not your problem, it is his problem. It's wrong of him to keep doing this. Why do you think it's your problem?

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PeachBlossom
Neophyte
Member # 98783

Icon 1 posted      Profile for PeachBlossom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My parents say it is girls problem. We go church, pray, it be well. If not then girl deserve. Before, he always good friend. Never hurt. Always help. When change, I change, so it my problem. When I tell, he try change. Then he not think, and it hard again.

--------------------
Mожно привыкнуть ко всему - даже ад.

Posts: 15 | From: Ukraine | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Please know that when it comes to this, your parents or anyone else who say that when someone hurts someone, it's the fault or "problem" of the person hurt, they are very wrong. They may have learned it that way, and culturally, that is a strong belief for some people. But it's simply wrong.

Any person DOING the hurting of someone else is at fault. And it is EVERYONE'S problem. And alas, praying doesn't make anyone stop hurting someone else: it doesn't have that power.

So, it is very much sounding like this is NOT someone safe for you. I'd be less concerned about safety with things like your passwords than with your person. My best advice is to create some distance with this person if they are touching you in a way that hurts or you don't like, and you asking them not to isn't enough for them to stop themselves, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Redskies     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Some people do think it's the woman's problem if someone hurts us. Those people usually live in societies and communities that think that and they haven't heard a lot of people explain why it's not true.

It really isn't true. It isn't a woman's fault if someone hurts us. No-one ever deserves to be hurt. If someone is unhappy, or unhappy with us, they have every right to be unhappy, but they shouldn't hurt us. They are responsible for what they do.

Are you saying that you changed before he started hurting you, or after?

It isn't hard to remember not to hurt someone. When we care about someone, we want to remember the things that make them happy and the things that hurt them, and we remember not to do things that hurt them.

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PeachBlossom
Neophyte
Member # 98783

Icon 1 posted      Profile for PeachBlossom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ok, I try. He try stop, but forgets. I worry, if I leave, parents don't help. He will go worse, and more hurt come. I will try.
Thank you for help.
I change before he start hurting. He do not change actions lot, he change strength behind.

[ 11-03-2012, 08:46 PM: Message edited by: PeachBlossom ]

--------------------
Mожно привыкнуть ко всему - даже ад.

Posts: 15 | From: Ukraine | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Redskies     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm sorry to hear that your parents aren't supportive about this. Do you have any friends or other relatives who you think would be supportive of you?

It's often hard to put distance between us and someone who is hurting us; they sometimes make it hard, like you're worried about. If we stay near them, though, they're likely to go on hurting us.

People who start hurting us were usually good to us to start with. That can be difficult to deal with and difficult to understand. One important thing to know is that once someone starts to hurt us, it almost never goes back to the way it was. Sometimes we hope that it will get better and they'll go back to how it was, but that almost never happens. Change is nearly always in the bad direction, sadly.

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PeachBlossom
Neophyte
Member # 98783

Icon 1 posted      Profile for PeachBlossom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My family and friends think if girl gets hurt, she deserve it. I understand what you say, and difficulty. I should put distance. He is in school, apartment building, as I. How I put distance?

--------------------
Mожно привыкнуть ко всему - даже ад.

Posts: 15 | From: Ukraine | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Redskies     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm sorry to hear that there aren't supportive people around you. And that's tough, having to share spaces with him.

I think I'd start by suggesting that you control the things that you can control: for example, if you can choose not to be alone with him, then don't be alone with him. Even if you can't talk to them about this, do you have other friends that you spend time with? Spending more time with them might help. Is there anything that you're interested in that he isn't, that you could spend some time doing?

You said you and he were friends. Where did you usually see each other?

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PeachBlossom
Neophyte
Member # 98783

Icon 1 posted      Profile for PeachBlossom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
We see each other hallway, school, church, after school, in apartment, bus. My friends also his friends. If I with them then he also with them. I will try to not be alone with him. I am interested in running, drawing, maybe I can go to club without him coming. I will talk to other friends, they live 2 hours away, so I see about maybe weekends.

--------------------
Mожно привыкнуть ко всему - даже ад.

Posts: 15 | From: Ukraine | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PeachBlossom
Neophyte
Member # 98783

Icon 1 posted      Profile for PeachBlossom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you for help with this, I talk to him, and he say that he will try not be with me, if only us. He say I false, but he be good friend and stay away. I do not know if true, but hope.

--------------------
Mожно привыкнуть ко всему - даже ад.

Posts: 15 | From: Ukraine | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3