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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Sex Problem

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Author Topic: Sex Problem
averagejen
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Member # 36400

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Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 8 months now and most aspects of the relationship are great (we don't fight often and even when we do, it's "constructive" fighting, not going at each other's throats, we are very happy with each other, we make each other laugh, etc). But when we have sex, it simply isn't very good. I think the main problem is that he is unsure of his ability to please me during intercourse, so he gets nervous/self-conscious and can't fully enjoy sex. He is naturally a very stoic/reserved person to begin with, and he has actually opened up tremendously to me since we started going out, and I'm really happy about that. It isn't that he doesn't have a sex drive; on the contrary, he is pretty horny (for a lack of a better term) for most of the time. He also loves oral sex, but when it comes to actual intercourse, he seems to be unable to relax and be more confident. Has anybody else been in this situation? What advice could you give me? Thanks a lot.

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:)

Posts: 93 | From: So Cal | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Have you tried slowing things back down so that he has more time to build up his confidence and his comfort levels?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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averagejen
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Yes I'm trying to do that now. I'm just afraid if I slow things down, he'll retreat even further and shut down completely (i.e. not want to have intercourse at all).

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:)

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, what if he doesn't want to have intercourse at all right now?

In other words, if slowing things down -- and making clear in a conversation about why you want to try that -- results in his wanting intercourse less, how is that a bad thing? If you fear he only wants it now because of things moving faster than are right for his pace or comfort level, that's not a good thing.

Know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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averagejen
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Yes I get what you mean. I'm trying to help him build his confidence and let him know that sex isn't just about trying to please me, it's supposed to be good for both of us, so hopefully he'll feel more comfortable.

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:)

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You might also want to let him know that you think slowing things down will not only help, but that slowing things down can also be pretty hot. In other words, it's not like there is anything unsexy or unexciting about hour-long makeout sessions, about dry humping, about feeling each other with hands, etc. All of those things are things people tend to find pretty exciting (and tend to find other kinds of sex pretty unexciting without), and also are ways to learn about each other's bodies and what feels good.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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