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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Advice about this?

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Author Topic: Advice about this?
pinkytiniavalon
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So if any of you saw my post a month ago. I got broken up by my first boyfriend, fist love of over a year. he said it was because i changed and I was upsetting him and blah blah.

now i keep blaming myself.

I went through some really tough times. probably the toughest thing I've had to go through, emotionally.

Within the first week of our breakup, he started being with another girl. They hid their "secret relationship" until the second week. Then they made themselves official exactly one month after the break up. The girl he's seeing now broke up with her boyfriend of two years on the same day that my ex broke up with me. They were pretty good friends already, and me ex was the first person she called after the break up. Now I guess they're in love.

Lots of people have told me to move on from this. I know this probably sounds really pathetic, but I am extremely bugged by how fast he moved on. How I suffered for so long, im still hurting, and he now ignores my existence because his new girlfriend quickly filled in the spot I took. Not only that. Lots of drama are coming from this girl.

My ex told her a lot of things about me that are really personal. Like my family problems which I only share with my closest friends. I became the center of complaints. As her best friends complained about how I was taking too long to move on. Then complaining about how I was being such a wussy for crying in school. They even discussed how they felt sorry for me because I live "in a bad environment" to random people.

She tells my ex how I always glare at her. And tells him that I spread rumors about him. I guess I gave her a dirty look once or twice. but Now my ex hates my guts because he thinks im some malicious little thing that is always jealous.

I walk around the school and everywhere I turn I see them hugging, cuddling, kissing etc. She's in most of my classes. He will be in my class.

It hurts SO BAD to see them together, and I try sucking it up, as I should.

It sucks so bad that after all the effort and love I put in our relationship, after a billion promises and kisses, we don't even have friendship. It's fine that we ended, it just hurts to know that we ended like this....and every effort I put in to us came back as hatred.

How do I move on and just not care? Cause I really can't wrestle with all this mental torture anymore. I cant keep dwelling and thinking about it. But the whole heart healing process is taking too long.

[ 01-29-2010, 07:51 PM: Message edited by: pinkytiniavalon ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I don't think this sounds pathetic. I think it's very, very common to feel especially hurt and bothered when a partner splits with you and moves on very quickly to someone else.

As well, your ex sharing your personal details with her, and then her, on top of that, not having the discretion to keep them to herself, is a real doozy, and a total betrayal. The other stuff: also heinous. I'd be surprised if you were NOT feeling the way you are.

It sounds to me like ideally, you'd feel best if you were able to try to do something to resolve this. Might there be any chance of you (and I know it would be hard) sitting down with the two of them, outlining your issues that are about things they can change, and asking them to start being more caring and considerate? I'd be happy to help you build that outline if you liked.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pinkytiniavalon
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I have tried to resolve this. I talked to him after school one day clarifying myself and how I wasnt the one trying to spread rumors and I dont glare at her. i dont even wanna look at her cause it hurts me. I also told him that I don't appreciate that my personal life is out in the open. the new says she doesnt need to be considerate, hes moved on with his life and I should too.


We still dont talk and he still avoids me. I told him I was happy he found someone who can make him happy.I've done everything I possibly could to fix things. It seems like he doesnt want to be friends, and I can't hold a friendship by myself.

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Heather
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I absolutely hear you, and I'm sorry he's being so awful. It sounds clearly like resolving this with them in a way they respond with maturity and care is off the table. That really sucks.

That given, maybe it's best if we divide these issues into parts, and talk through ways to approach them.

So, they are:

1) It's painful for you to see them being very affectionate together.
2) It's painful for you to know how fast he moved into another relationship.
3) He betrayed you by sharing your private disclosures meant only for him with her.
4) She has shared those things with others.
5) She endlessly complains about you to others, and then the others also complain and judge.
6) She tells your ex things about you that are not true.

Did I get them all? (I have to say, this isn't even my situation, and just looking at this list, I feel overwhelmed. So again, I'm not surprised you do. This is a LOT to deal with.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pinkytiniavalon
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yes you got them all. I guess its the last one that bothers me the most, because I don't want my first love to live the rest of his life having that impression of me. but i guess i have no hopes of changing his opinion now. I feel absolutely powerless.

Yeah....You got them all. Plus the whole this is finals time and my family is in complete chaos.

this is just not a good time for me. heart break+stress+chaotic family=IM DYING HERE.

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Heather
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I'm so sorry. I actually have to make myself stop working now, so I hope it's okay if I can come back to you on this in the morning (though someone else may step in).

But if you want something to tide you over overnight, have you just written this all down, in total emotional-vomit form that no one else has to see, for yourself?

Additionally, is there a friend you can call to spend the night with and just vent this stuff all out? If not, is there something you can do for yourself tonight that you know always makes you feel good? I get that it's finals, but taking a night off from studying is probably a) something you need and b) will also help you do well just by decreasing your stress levels.

Lastly, I'd not worry this guy will always have this impression of you. Heck, he may not actually have that impression NOW, it just may be his current's voice in this that's loudest. And some of the reason she may be being so kooky and intense with all this stuff about you is that she may feel the need to compete or make you the bad guy to make herself look better, as people can sometimes tend to around someone's first love. I know that doesn't make it all better, but it's a possibility that might provide some comfort.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ecofem
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Hey, I'll be around for a bit to chat if you'd like, pinkytiniavalon. [Smile]
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pinkytiniavalon
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its like 2 in the morning and I'm still studying ....-__-

One thing that really bugs me, is that I'm still trying to come to terms with my mistakes.

I feel like that entire relationship, whether failures or successes has been a byproduct of my childhood.

I don't blame him for breaking up with me, I probably would have too.
For the last month of our relatonship I was such a mess. Stress of college, SAT, projects, home life, personal issues left me really emotionally unstable all the time and really irratable. I took a lot of my anger out on him. I mean its not like I hit him or called him names, I just got irratable with him really easily. and I always complained. the point is I wasnt the best girlfriend. Then we were at that stage where he doesnt try anymore, and I got even more irratable with that. Whats worse is that his family got involved and his sister was the biggest gossiper. She, and his girlfriend both literally told my entire school that I was a bad girlfriend and that she thinks we should break up and he should hook up with well...his current girlfriend. Anyway, so I said some things I probably shouldn't have said and we got more and more irratable with each other. I apologized everytime I felt like I crossed the line, and he seemed to understand the things I was going through. So I thought.

I remember every word he said to me when he broke up with me. That I changed, that he couldn't deal with me anymore. I don't know if you guys understand, but I feel like the only thing worst than someone breaking my heart is to know I caused him to break my heart. I swear to him once all this blows over everything would go back to the way it was, but he said he had enough. I don't have anyone to blame but myself.

Then after the break up, I didn't know how to react to it properly since he was my first boyfriend. Sometimes I was so emotional I didn't know what to do with myself. Sometimes I was so angry I just wanted to vent and scream. I didn't understand how he can tell me we'll never part then break up with me only a week after the promise. I didn't understand how even though our passion was still there it deminished to none in just a time period of 5 hours. I couldn't handle him being gone because he was my entire world and we planned our entire future together.

I assumed, I was irrational. The fact that he's so close to his new girlfriend immediately after the break up made me all the more angry. At first I thought he cheated because he was hanging out with her before he broke up with me. But...I know him enough to know he wouldn't cheat. But obviously there was already feelings between the two. and thats probably where his new girlfriend got the whole gossip thing from. People twisted and turned my words from feelings for each other, to "oh tina said you two were dating before you and her even broke up" and it seemed like our break up was the most talked about thing for a week. even by the teachers.

And this is where I have to stand today. pain and hurt and bitter and resentful. Not at him, not at her, but myself. I keep thinking about what I could have done better. How maybe if I hadn't told people why I was angry then they wouldnt have had the opportunity to twist my words. That maybe I should have been more understanding and less angry. Maybe if I could have been more rational at that point...but I know I couldn't have.

But I'm also angry at him, for blaming me for everything. Then throwing away all our memories as if they never existed.

I don't even know how to forgive myself.

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Heather
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I wonder if it might help to remember that relationships, and being in them, just like anything else, have a learning curve.

In other words, I'm of the mind that expecting any of us to ace our early relationships in our teens and twenties is a BIG expectation, just like it would be to expect us to have any other skill honed right tat the gate.

This is likely one of the reasons why our earlier relationships do tend to last shorter periods of time than relationships will later in life. Not always, but it's common.

I understand how you're feeling, if it's any consolation. I remember feeling like that more than once in my teens and twenties, too. Heck, I felt like that a couple of times in my thirties, as well.

So, by all means, you get to grieve, you get to be sad and angry, angry at yourself, angry at him. But you might also want to try to cut both of you a bit of a break: few people are relationship savants. Most of us keep learning as we go, just like we do with anything else, and get better at it as we grow.

As well, it sounds to me like some of what's going on here are just what can be the awful dynamics of high school, where everyone gets involved in everyone else's stuff, latches on to drama and amplifies it, creates sides, that whole freaking mess it can be. It obviously really sucks that you're stuck in the middle of it right now, but it will likely pass, as in those dynamics, people tend to get bored and grab unto the next new mess soon enough.

(And if the teachers got involved, that's beyond the pale. I just had the biggest wave of scorn when I read that: I take being an educator and an ally for young people really seriously, and get really angry with adults who don't.)

Is there a school counselor where you're at, btw?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pinkytiniavalon
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I really hope it'll pass, I really really hope him and I can be friends again. Do you think its possible? Or is it kind of a slim chance with his new girlfriend around?

And how do I deal with the hurt I feel whenever I see them being so affectionate together? My friend says I should just ignore it and not care. But it's not possible to not care. And seeing that everyday in class in school in hallways. Its not a joke and heck of an emotional torture. I blocked them on facebook so I wouldnt see the "oh i love him/her so much" anymore. wish there was a block button in real life.

At this point, I feel like there's no one else out there for me. For one year, being with him was so habitual and felt as natural as breathing. I wonder when I'll start liking other guys again.


Yeah, we have counselors. that was one of the problems. Everyone ran around and spreaded rumors and one of them was that I was going to beat him up. I have no idea where the heck that came from but the teachers obviously listened to the rumor and called me to the counselor's office to sit down with my ex so we can "talk out how to maintain a healthy relationship" after breakup.

T^T

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Heather
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I find that often people who were romantic/sexual partners, especially if the relationship was very serious or big, usually need some time apart before they can start becoming platonic friends. So, I do think it's possible, but a) I'd give it a few months before you even go there, and b) depending on how he behaves around/about you between now and then, you may not actually want a friendship with him.

I hear you on wishing we could block things in real life the way we can online! But alas, we can't. I do think trying to learn to pay less attention to it -- I know that's hard -- is one thing you'll want to do. In the meantime, it's just one of those things you'll have to accept and deal with. If you get really rough feelings at those times, see what you can do for yourself to manage them. I know for myself that when I get quick emotional hits to the gut from anything, for example, I find getting outside for just a minute or so and taking some nice big breaths really helps me.

I also think it might be too soon, for you, to think about who else might be out there for you. Clearly, you still have a LOT of processing of this to do, and need to get over this some more before you'd likely see anyone else clearly on your radar, or feel ready for another relationship.

That counselor at school: even though the situation you met them in was crappy, did you like that person at all?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pinkytiniavalon
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I like the counselor, but it's really awkward...because he handles all my college recs and transcripts. plus he's a guy, so I wouldnt want to talk to him about my problems....

It really bugs me to hear about how in love he is with her and she's the best he's ever had. someone asked him who his ideal girl is like, he listed qualities that he did not want, and those qualities I have, and apparently he learned that he did not want a girl like that through dating me. It just hurts. to know that I was a mistake. Ive nver had a dating experience, but how can we ever completely seperate ourselves from someone who we truly loved with all of our heart.

Also, the girl always talks about him in class. I'd be right next to her and she would be talking about their prom plans, how he is going to apply to the same college as her just to be together, and how he always gets in trouble for texting her in class.

I remember when we planned our prom together...but what bugs me is that a lot of our fights were about him not making an effort to treat me right, and he is doing for her everything I begged him to do for me. and they havent even been together for a month. I just feel like a mistake. that the reason why he didnt try to show he loves me is because he DIDNT. I was holding hands was an illusion, a perfect image of a boyfriend that I created in my head, when all he wanted out of me was those makeout sessions(which was the only time he was attentive to me, pretty much) and a girlfriend that he can tell his friends about.

its one thing to see them cuddle, and its another thing to know that she is more special than I ever was. even though I tried SO hard and I loved SO much. i mean, whats wrong with ME? I feel like if I get into another relationship, and he gets to know me, I'm going to be another mistake. I don't want to be a mistake.

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Heather
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So, he's a guidance counselor, rather than a counselor for emotional issues? Can you ask HIM if he can suggest someone who does the latter? Your request would not go on transcripts.

quote:
It really bugs me to hear about how in love he is with her and she's the best he's ever had.
How are you hearing stuff like that?

I want to toss a theory at you that I was also recently talking about with a friend, and that's that sometimes, or in some ways, any relationship any of us have can wind up being transitional: can hep grow a partner or us (or both) into kind of the next zone, into a more evolved or new place, and not be a place where then we're together anymore.

One of the reasons this friend and I were talking about this is that we both have VERY often been what I call that "transitional person." Where we'd get involved with someone who'd be one way, then they'd do a lot of growing... and move on, often to someone else. I'll be honest with you, I have had a VERY hard time during much of my life when that has been what happened or what I perceived happened. (Less so when someone else has been my transitional person, which I think is pretty typical for the person on the other side of this equation.)

If that's the kind of thing that went on, I don't think it means that person didn't love you, or you were delusional. I think it means people are always growing and changing, and often very quickly at times in the teens and twenties, which is the big reason why young adult relationships tend to be shorter than those of older adults. I think we do also have to leave room for the fact that love isn't a thing, it's a skill, and not everyone starts out good at it, or is equally good at it in every situation.

And if that's what went on, I don't have great sage advice for you. because the fact of the matter is that I really JUST got okay with the idea of being the transitional person sometimes all of two years ago (and I'm turning 40 in a few months). I don't mean to be bleak in saying that, just want to be honest.

However, I think what took me such a long to get okay with that is that I put a lot of valuation in people leaving or staying, more than I actually think is sound. While it's tough to see it this way when we're hurting, I think what matters most is how something was when we were in it. And if it was mostly painful or lousy....well, I think that speaks to our learning curve of sticking things out when we should probably move on, something that can also take a while to learn (especially for people like me who are very stubborn).

I have zero idea if any of that offered anything to you, but it's what I've got for now, and seemed apt here.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alexial_L
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I agree with Heather that relationships definitely go on a learning curve - don't feel like your first one has been a mistake. It's certainly painful to see ex boyfriends or girlfriends moving on quickly... I can relate because my ex chose to move on after a month as well, despite us having had discussed marriage when we were together.

I've found though, looking back on that relationship, there are so many things I noticed that I didn't before. How when I thought of it as a healthy and loving relationship - it really wasn't. With time people learn how to deal with situations in more mature ways... I think you were very brave and mature to tell him all the things you were unhappy about after the break-up. And it must've hurt when he didn't really listen. In future relationships, if the guy is on the same maturity level as you, i.e. willing to understand and see things from your point of view, you know that you can trust him more than your ex-boyfriend. So don't lose all hope for the next relationships to come [Smile]

I guess what I encourage you to do now is to focus on yourself. Although you'll have to deal with seeing them a lot at school, you can get through it. It's probably a stressful time for you with studies and everything, still find the time for yourself, to do something you enjoy. I know it sounds cliched and cheesy, but it actually works. Hang out with your friends and rely on those you really trust - their emotional support will keep you going. Know that you have definitely handled your current situation with more wisdom than your ex and his current girlfriend. Be strong [Smile]

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