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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Out of Reach

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Author Topic: Out of Reach
Lilith2000
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Member # 2910

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I've been in a "relationship" with a guy who has been my best friend for years. The problem is that as a friend he's wonderful, but all he seems to do is hurt me.

We were fooling around a lot around the time of the breakup of my parents' marriage (September to December of last year) but we kinda agreed that it was more than just being good friends. We started sleeping together and he was my first, and he tells me that I was his, but within a couple of weeks he was saying that I was asking for too much commitment and taking away his freedom. We had both agreed that it was an open relationship, the irony was that I'd spent that evening flirting with lots of other people (male and female) and he didn't even bat an eyelid.

We were back together for a matter of hours and then we agreed to end it.

That lasted four days. We ended up back in bed.

It seemed okay for a while but I could feel him drifting away so I ended it. He consequently started telling MY friends that I'd put him off relationships with girls and that he wanted nothing more to do with girls in that way. He sat there and told me to my face that our relationship had been worthless.

All the while I'd been getting more and more emotionally attached. I've been hurt a lot by men in general, they use me a lot. They want to have sex with me and when I refuse (as I usually do) they get nasty. A friend of mine, well ex-friend now, assumed that because I was wearing a low-cut top and a skirt (a LONG skirt) that I was asking for sex and started trying to grope me against my will. It kinda shocked me. That's just one occasion, I've been hurt in that way so often. I thought I was safe with M (the guy who I was in a relationship with) because he was my best friend, I thought that he would be careful not to hurt me. Because I thought I was emotionally safe I started to get close emotionally. I've been hurt so much that I try not to get attached to anyone, but I did.

We went to the movies a week or so ago, and we ended up having a few drinks and back in bed. He said that he had missed me, told me that he loved me. I thought that he was telling the truth.

He continued to be sweet and affectionate to me to my face (and on an online messenger), and was writing in his diary about how clingy I was and how much of a problem I am in his life.

I confronted him. He was evasive.

I know that I'm beating myself up more than anything else, but I don't want to lose him as a friend and we don't seem to be able to be "just" friends anymore.

I just don't know what to do. He seems to just be affectionate when he wants to get me back into bed, and being the gullible fool that I am I believe that he actually cares. He wrote in his diary that I was emotionally vulnerable, and I have to agree, but he didn't mention that he abuses that fact as much as he can.

Anyone who has any advice please help. I'm really sorry for venting all this, but I need some real advice and talking to my parents isn't an option at the moment.

L2K


Posts: 12 | From: Dunfermline, Fife, Scotland | Registered: Feb 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Honestly, it sounds a bit to me like in this situation, you put yourself in a position you knew was not a good one for you. In other words, this "friend" (I use the term loosely because he doesn't sound like a very good friend to me) made it clear he was not getting romantically involved or committed, but it sounds to me like you very much need that, or you feel used.

So, I'd suggest you stop the insanity. Honestly, just spend some time away from this person for a while so you can really get a good look at what is going on with *you.*

I have found in my life that more times than not, when we get hurt, it is because our expectations do not match our realities. Obviously, being groped by people is another matter entirely, but being in casual sex situations when what you really need and can handle are more secure relationships is a recipe for disaster, doll.

Out of curiousity, how do you know about this stuff in his diary? I ask because if it's private, it is obviously an inrtustion. if it is an opnline journal, what he is saying about you is pretty violative of your privacy, and far beyond the bounds of some common respect and care.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lilith2000
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Member # 2910

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quote:
Originally posted by Miz Scarlet:
Out of curiousity, how do you know about this stuff in his diary? I ask because if it's private, it is obviously an inrtustion. if it is an opnline journal, what he is saying about you is pretty violative of your privacy, and far beyond the bounds of some common respect and care.


It's an online diary at www.opendiary.com, which he told me about and I was just jumping around the lists to look at the other diaries and saw his usual online nickname. I was interested and as he'd told me that he'd opened it, I thought I may as well have a look. When I confronted him about it he said that it is his diary.

L2K


Posts: 12 | From: Dunfermline, Fife, Scotland | Registered: Feb 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lin
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Member # 2050

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oh *big hugs* sweetie.

You know, I think you should get out of this destructive relationship and just take some time for yourself.

I know it is difficult but honestly, there is nothing left in this relationship for you to cling on to and the more attached you get, the harder it will be for you.

So just get out and devote some time to yourself entirely. Do the things you want to do, spend time with friends. I think you know that this relationship is just going to bring you pain. Don't spend another minute hurting because of such a guy. It will be tough but you will be able to do it and you will come out of it so much stronger.

And hon, if any guy ever tries to grope you again, ask him how he would like spending a night in the police station. And no, it is not an empty threat.

*huggles* sweetie. If you ever need us, we are here for you.


Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Duff
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It makes me really upset to hear that there are people that would treat other people so badly, and still act as if they are friends with the ones they trash. Even worse that they let the ones the trash feel as if its their fault.

Basically, i think you should stay away from those guys, and when you are around them, exude extreme confidence, like if someone gropes you, look at them, glare, saying silently, "i KNOW what you're doing" and if they continue, confront them say "Did I invite you to violate my body?? or did you just assume that right?" it's pretty easy to get at and stop people who know they're doing something wrong, and don't let anyone tell you anything about what you wear, you can be naked, but you still have you personal space, that is your right, no matter what people think you may be suggesting. You don't ask for anything, until you take someones hand and place it on your body, or ask them verbally to touch you.

as for you ex-boyfriend, i used to be in a similar situation, i broke up with him,(he was mentally, physically, and emotionally abusive) but we'd still makeout, i dunno why i needed to do it, but one day he punched me in the stomach, and that was the end of it.

But i regret that i let it get that far, so my advice to you is to avoid him, and not get drunk around him, and if you do, get someone to babysit you and make sure you don't get with him, and talk to him, and tell him how you feel and how your not gonna take any garbage from him, or give him anything either, thats only if you can't aviod him though.

don't let them hurt you anymore, your worth more then that.


Posts: 162 | From: NYC | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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