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Author Topic: getting over someone
cuddleslut
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My best guy friend is really worrying me. He's a very intelligent person. He likes to have complete control over his emotions, like he has gone months without getting angry about anything, without getting annoyed--he's slowly trying to eliminate all bad emotions and just be happy. But for the past few months (i'm not sure exactly how long because he won't say) he's been completely in love with an anonymous girl. And she doesn't like him (in that way) back. He won't tell me her name or give me any clues to who she is, and he won't even tell me why. The only thing he said is that I know her and that has a lot to do with him not wanting to tell me who she is. And, I have absolutely no idea who she is, not that I really care anyway. I care more about what's going on with this situation.

So, like I said he's in love with her. And he really doesn't kid around with that kind of stuff. He rarely gets crushes on girls, and if he does it's sort of the 'yea she's pretty hot' type deal, and all of the sudden he's obsessed with this girl and he can't stop thinking about her. He's very philosophical and thoughtful, and now he says he can't even think about anything else. He can't even have fun with me and his other best friend, because any time he starts to let himself relax he is somehow reminded of her again and put back into his depression. He's talked to me about it a lot, but no one else knows, and lately he's even hesitated to talk to me about it--because I'm always the person to talk about my friends' problems with them, and he's afraid that I'm letting his problem get to me too much and it's making me less happy. Well, of course it's making me less happy to see him so depressed, how could it not? And of course it bugs the hell out of me. But now it just makes me feel even worse because he won't talk to me about it. I mean, he does, but he always apologizes and tends not to go as far in depth. And it seems like it's gotten worse. I know there's not much that can be done, when you love someone--that's it. But if ANYONE knows any way that I can help him to get over her, please let me know. This is driving me crazy. I just want him to be happy. And if you ahve any personal expericnes like his or mine of your own, please let me know. I'd love to hear anything anyone has to say.

thank you so much,
love,
-Alex

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It's sickening how comforting the privacy of the mind can be...


Posts: 120 | From: california...well, at least it sounds cool. | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Siren
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This is a tough one. But one thing you said about him going months without getting angry, doesn't sound too healthy. Emotions are natural, not showing them is not natural. Repressing his anger or unhappiness is not going to do him much good, in my opinion, it's important to get those feelings out. I think I'd tell him that, tell him it's okay to be angry once and a while. You can be happy and still have a bad thought or feeling. So help him realize that because I'm very agaist hiding your feelings, since they can sometimes resurface in other ways, negative ways sometimes.

As for his obsession. I think you already know what you want to say to him. That him shutting you out is only making you more upset. I think right now he really needs someone to talk to about this, so tell him that you'll be there to listen, that you want to listen.

I've sort of been in his shoes though. Someone I really cared about left me for someone else, and it took almost a year to completely let him go. One thing you should tell him is that he will get over her, he just needs time. And during that time I think one important thing you can do as his friend is make him go out, go to a movie, go shopping, just get him out and about. Yes, he's gonna still think about her, but at least he'll be functioning and getting his mind off her for just a bit. I know that's one thing that helped me, my friends making me go out even if I was sure I'd have a miserable time. It rememinded me that someone cared about me, and I think that's important to know when you're depressed. Just be there for him, and keep reminding him that this isn't the end of the world and things will get better. Good luck with everything.

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Lil Siren

Read My Thoughts...


Posts: 190 | From: NY, USA | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ryuu
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Love and infatuation typically grows with accessibility and familiarity. This seems quite consistant with the fact that you both know the girl. Perhaps she is a friend or sister? In any case, if he had reason to believe he had no chance with da girl, his crush would most likely die pretty fast. The other edge of the sword is that she may be interested. But if she is a good friend, and fairly insightful, she'll crush the crush for ya.
Good luck.

Posts: 82 | From: Colorado, US | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lin
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I'm afraid we don't have a formula for you which will guarantee that he will forget her but as Siren said, he will. As impossible as it seems.

But he needs to want to get over her. Because if he doesn't, nothing you say or do will help at all.

All I can say is provide him the support he needs. Let him know you are there. He doesn't exactly have to take it. But just let him know you are there.

In his own time, he will find the means to get over her. Distracting him would be your best bet right now. Go out with him for a happy movie, coffee, anything. Anything that might help distract him from her for now.

I hope everything works out sweetie.


Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cuddleslut
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Hey everyone, thank you for the advice. It is a hard situation and I understand that it will take a lot of time for him to get over her...it's just hard, I guess. I don't think he's decided which is worse yet--going on loving her and feeling horrible, or stopping. He says that when you're in love, painful as it may be, you don't want it to end. He doesn't know where he'll go from there when it does end. But I am encouraging him to try and get over her, and I do things with him all the time--we always go out and party and have fun, and he's usually okay about it. He tries to cover up his unhappiness but i can see through him, which is tough because it's hard for me to watch him like that, but at least he's out. I guess I'll just be there and see what happens.
Thanks again, I'll remember everything that was said and use it if need be
love,
-Alex

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It's sickening how comforting the privacy of the mind can be...


Posts: 120 | From: california...well, at least it sounds cool. | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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