It is time. I would like to share a little something about myself that very few people know to you guys.
I was in an abusive relationship.
What's unique is that me and my bf were both the abusers and the victims.
The first time it happened, we were in a shopping centre. We had quarrelled over something stupid and petty and he was saying some pretty ugly tihngs to me and I got very angry. In my mind, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to slap him. I went to the ladies and he went with me. Standing in the ladies, I slapped him so hard my palm hurt. Then, I felt a sharp pain on my back. He had hit me instinctively.
I was in shock. In pain. I went to a stall and hid there in tears. He messaged me. Many times. Apologising time after time. I couldn't believe he hit me. But he did. It didn't occur to me that I had hit him as well. In my eyes, he deserved it. But I didn't.
I finally got out and everything was okay.
The next time it happened, we were downstairs at the bus stop near his house. I was angry and I was saying some pretty horrible things to him. Being sarcastic. Acting like a smart aleck.
Suddenly, he banged my head against his and shouted at me. Again, the tears flowed and I got angry. Very angry. We walked to the nearest Police post and stood outside. Me wondering if I should go in and report him or if I should just leave it.
The policemen saw us and came out and ordered us to get in. I filed a report but I never followed up on it. The next day everything was okay again.
This hitting and apologising lasted 6 mths for me. For him, it lasted 2 years.
In case no one realised, I am still with him.
Why? you might ask. Am I stupid? Must I wait for it to happen before I leave? Must I wait till I die before I pull myself away from him?
My only answer to you is faith.
I had faith in him. And I still do.
We took a break from each other.
And only then did I realise that I was not the only victim. He was too. I am not trying to justify his actions. They were wrong and it is as simple as that.
But while I have nothing to show for the abuse, no scars (emotional or physical)nothing. He is still battling many demons everyday.
Imagine living a life when your gf tells you you are not good enough, not smart enough, not good looking enough, not man enough. You are a wimp, useless, poor, pathetic and even my dog is better than you.
Those words are still haunting him. He bears the scars. And alot of pain. And alot of guilt.
We are taking baby steps. We are trying to heal the pain we caused each other. And it is working.
I know by admitting this, alot of people will think I'm stupid to still stay with him. And that's okay. I understand how you feel. I used to feel stupid too.
But now I look at him and I realise how much we have been through and how much stronger we have made each other and the relationship and I realise everything happened for a reason.
I am apprehensive about this post. I am not worried about saying that "Hey, I was abused". I fear that people will say I am dumb. I should leave. That people will look at everything I have said and take it as my excuse for him.
But my instincts have never been wrong and if I cannot trust myself, who can I trust?
It has been an abuse free relationship for almost 2 years. And I honestly believe it will stay like that forever.
I don't know how many of you have been in such relationships. How many of you are in such relationships but if ever any of you need me, I'm here.