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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Lookin' for some help

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Author Topic: Lookin' for some help
Member # 3167

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My bf of 4 years (and 2 months and 13 days) and I broke up about a month ago. We got along great when we were together, but fought when talking on the computer. It was a mutual breakup so we're still really good friends. In fact, we're still going to prom together. The night we broke up we talked on the phone for 4 hours about whether we should break up or just "take a break" or even just wait everything out. It was really hard for both of us and we cried a lot. I've really wanted to get back w/him, but that feeling isn't mutual. A lot of the reason for the break up was b/c we're seniors in high school and going on to college next year. Plus, we've only ever been w/each other and that's been since 8th grade. My bf says that he felt like we were nothing more than friends. He said that he really loved me when we were together, but when we weren't there wasn't much feelings at all. Anyway, that's the situation, but here's my dilemma. The other afternoon I was having some family problems so I called him. After talking on the phone for awhile, we decided that I would go over to his house. We talked and got all that worked out and I should have left. But I didn't. I ended up staying for 6 housrs. We sat in his basement watching TV just like old times. It was too much like old times and we started messing around. We both feel really bad about what happened but he said that he was uncomfortable w/it at the time. I asked him why he didn't say anything and he told me that he didn't know what to say. We've talked about being "friends w/benefits", but that's totally against what both of us believe. I just don't really know what to do w/the whole situation. Should we be friends w/benefits? Should we try to get back together? What's your take on the whole situation? Thanks!
Posts: 23 | From: Kansas | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, most people I know who kept in contact with their exes right after the fact ended up in bed "one last time." Don't beat yourself up about it, it happens. But leave it there.

Immediately trying to have a non-romantic sexual relationship is a Bad Idea. You can't possibly have any perspective over something when you haven't even had time to adjust to being out of the relationship, or to grieve a little for it. It's a real easy way to Become Delusional in Five Days or Less.

Take some time away -- period. Even as friends. Learn how to cope with your life on your own two feet. Greive a little. Learn about yourself a little. Get some healthy distance. Give him some. THEN you can asess what you're ready to do in terms of what your relationship will become. But not before. Especially when you're still hoping against hope you'll get back together.

Because sex won't make that happen, and you'll only feel even worse when it blows up in your face.

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 3167

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Thanks. The only thing is that it's hard to get away from each other. Between seeing each other in school everyday and talking almost every night, I just can't get away. He has most definitely been able to get away. He goes out w/his friends and he even was away for a week on a trip over spring break. I surprisingly did really good while he was away; it was when I knew he was back that I had to make sure everything was ok.

I can almost guarantee that the messing around isn't going to happen again. We've both been really smart about our sexual relationship and have never had sex. We talked about it, but never had the nerve to go through w/it.

The only thing that I've learned about myself is that I still do the same things to upset him and that I haven't changed my ways at all. I guess some things just take a LOT of time.

Posts: 23 | From: Kansas | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 1881

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A good friend of mine was (is) in a similar situation. Her boyfriend of a year is going to university across the country and a week after he left he called her to break up with her.

The catch is that when he came home for Thanksgiving and they saw one another, they ended up in bed together. Following this they made the decision to get back together.

I am good friends with both of them and having talked to both, I've realized that she is clinging to the familiarity of her boyfriend and the relationship and that he feels it's easier to stay with her, because, as he put it, she's a "sure thing." Easiness and familiarity are not good reasons to stay in a relationship. Just as relationships cannot be based solely on sex.

Is it really that good when you're together? Or is it maybe that you're both so comfortable with one another? If things aren't good when you're apart, but good when you're together, chances are that things may not actually be so wonderful in all. For a relationship to work, I believe you also have to be happy when you're apart.

But, listen, you two have had the staying power of FOUR YEARS! I mean, that's impressive. Very. Maybe it would be a good idea to take some time off to be single and try the dating scene and try new things. Then perhaps later in life if you two should meet up again the sparks might fly?

Hope this helps!

Smile, though your heart is breaking....

My crazy little universe....

Posts: 289 | From: Canada | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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