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Author Topic: I need some help
bennyhanna
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Member # 2932

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I need advice on what I should do or what I should not do in my relationship. I've been with my girlfriend for over 3 years, all of highschool. I love her to death and next year we are going to college 10 minutes away from each other. It's good becuase then we don't have to decide now whether we stay together. Anyway, thats not really the problem. Actually I don't know really if this is a problem. So we've had sex once and it was just kind of an experimentation, neither of us really got anywhere. Anyway this was a huge step becuase we had been talking about having sex for over a year and she never wanted to do it. She would go through moods where she wanted to and then she would all of a sudden change her mind. Now even though we have done it once, she doesn't really want to do it again any time soon. I know that she is really scared sometimes. I don't want to pressure her, and believe me I never have. This might be part of the problem. It seems to me like she has no sex drive whatsoever. We spend so much time together it is like we are married. We sleep together, literally, but rarely does anything physical happen, not including sex. She often says she forgets sometimes whether we are friends or in a reltationship, but doesn't even take that very seriously. I really want to be in passionate relationship with her, but sometimes I feel like she could care less even though I know she loves me so much. I don't want to be just the horny guy pressuring her, but that part of our relationship is important to me. I guess I have no idea what to do. Lately I have been kind of distant becuase I feel like I shouldn't take our relationship as seriously if we are more like friends. That way hopefully I won't be hurt as much when nothing physical ever really happens. So any advice on whatI should do, if anything?
Posts: 3 | From: hollis, nh, usa | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cypher
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Member # 1881

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Yes.

TALK TO HER!

Voice every single one of your concerns. Even the smallest, tiniest, most miniscule one. Explain to her where you're coming from and what you've been feeling lately. Ask her to clarify her intentions within the relationship.

Sex is a very scary thing for some people. As an 18 year old female, I'm scared to death of it. And I'm in a loving, long-term relationship, and I really want to do it, but sometimes our fear holds us back. I've told my boyfriend this and together we're working to make ourselves more comfortable with it.

Talking works miracles, believe me.


Posts: 289 | From: Canada | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lin
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Member # 2050

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You know, it is unrealistic to expect a "passionate" relationship. That is what I wanted in the beginning. The kind in Harlequin novels.

But that's not what a relationship is about. You guys seem to have reached a stage where you are very comfortable with each other and I think that should be acceptable.

When you talk about passion, what do you mean? You want her jumping on you every minute of the day? Long, sweaty sex sessions and lots of crying and laughing everyday?

Maybe she is just not a very "passionate" person.

Honestly, I was never a girl with a very "high sex drive". In fact, I was like no sex drive. But alot of that came from fear. I wsa scared I wouldn't perform well or I wouldn't be able to satisfy my guy.

However, Scarleteen revolutionised my sex life.

Because it taught me how to communicate with my guy. To tell him my fears and what I like.

And I think you should do that with your girl too. Tell her how you feel and talk to her.

She probably won't turn all passionate and eager to have sex every minute after your talk but it is very open to keep the channels of communication open so that she knows that she can be comfortable with you about her fears.

Good luck.


Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
AngelLinz
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Member # 2410

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Dear Benny

well even tho i am a girl, i know exactly what you are feeling. I just finished with a relationship of about 1 year (not as long as yours, but i think this might help). As other have said you need to talk to her about it. YOu never know..she might feel exactly the same that you do...you minght feel like you are jumping into the deepend and not knowing how to swim...but you need to communicate. As you have said the two of you are quite good at talking, so it shhouldn't be a problem. As you say it is kinda like you are married (as you explained) is seems like there is no passion for each other..is there romance? Do you feel anything except a very strong friendship. I broke up with my boyfriend becase of this, and now like a month later our relationship is exactly the same as it was...except now we are even closer as friends. He told me that he respected that i had the balls (excuse the pun) to tell him what i was feeling. So now i tell him even more then i did before. He is like my best friend..and we are both happy with the decision. We learned that at our age (15) we need to experiece with other people, have fun and go out with friends..and not be worreid that you signifigant other dosn't know where you are. I even helped set him up. And now he talks to me about a sex life that he has with her that was like non existant with me. It wasn't my fault..nor was it his..we just weren't meant for each other...at least as more then friends. I hope i have helped..and if not i'm sorry. So like i said..just be honest, it's the best policy!
Good Luck
AngelLinz


Posts: 10 | From: England | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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