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Author Topic: True Love?
Bears_wife
Neophyte
Member # 2505

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Hello, everyone!
Well, I don't even know where to begin. I met my boyfriend of three and a half months through his sister, which goes to my school. Anyway, she and I aren't close anymore, but that's beyond the point...my problem is this: His exgirlfriend is still very much in "love" with him. She and I are complete opposites; she is constantly depressed and mourning that she lost him, while I'm just an overall cheerful gal who has a job, is good in school, etc. Well, when we went out a few weeks ago, he told me she tried to commit suicide, and if she had gone through with it, he would follow her lead and do it too. Now he's "changed"...URGH he says he loves me too much to commit suicide, blah blah blah, but now I keep having second thoughts about our relationship. We plan on getting married in March of 2002, but I'm afraid that if I come across any new information about her, I'll have to cancel it. I love him very much, and now he's stopped speaking to her to preserve our relationship, and I trust him with all my heart... I just need some words of wisdom. Please help!!

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"Finnochio, Finnochio, non dami il mal occhio..."
**Nat**


Posts: 8 | From: New Rochelle, NY USA | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can I be honest?

If I can, let me just say that you might want to consider that planning a marriage for someone you haven't even known for more than six months is a little less than cautious.

Now, mind you, I waited until I was turning 30 to get married, and did to someone I had known for close to ten years. Honestly, I had no plans in my life at all to get married, it just felt right over time with this particular person. But I would advise being cautious: marriage -- in and of itself -- isn't a relationship, it's a contract. It isn't hearts and flowers, it's a committment that while it can be wonderful, is a lot of hard work with a lot of facets to it, most of which aren't the stuff of romantic fantasy. The relationship within a marriage is its own organism: a marriage doesn't make it, it simply documents its existence and your intent.

Sounds to me, honestly, like the drama volume is turned up WAY too high in this whole situation. While I don't feel anyone needs to sever all ties to previous relationships to be involved with someone else, I do think that some level of realism and serenity is required to have a healthy, happy realtionship with yourself and with others. And suicide pacts with people don't really fall into that category.

Right now, don't worry about future plans: today is a far more important thing than tomorrow (or next year). Take baby steps and see how it goes, and how it develops with the two of you over time.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 01-28-2001).]


Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bears_wife
Neophyte
Member # 2505

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Thanks for the honesty, and the advice. I guess I'll have to take it one day at a time, eh?

------------------
"Finnochio, Finnochio, non dami il mal occhio..."
**Nat**


Posts: 8 | From: New Rochelle, NY USA | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd say so. Put it this way: if it isn't right in the day-to-day, it's probably not right for the long haul, and you have to deal with where you are.

In other words, if there are problems now, unless you deal with them, they'll only be worse later, not better. Long-term relationships can be a bit like making soup: often, the longer they sit, the richer the taste gets, but if you don't pay attention as you're cooking -- if you skip ingredients, or scorch the bottom of the pot -- you'll wind up with something completely inedible. You can't just hope for a decent soup -- you have to make one in all the steps.


Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lin
Activist
Member # 2050

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Well as Miz S said, your relationship seems a little too volatile for you to consider marriage.

Hon, whatever you feel for your guy now. things might change. I'm not doubting your love for each other but things change and people change.

Just enjoy each other's company now and see how things go.

As for his ex, I'm thinking he is the only one who can deal with her. Ask him to tell her firmly but nicely that it is over. That he still cares for her as a friend and doesn't want her to do anything to hurt herself.

And I'm abit confused by what you mean when you say new information.


Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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