Hi. This is my first time on the board. I have been reading the messages for some time and I am really impressed by the advice being given out so I thought somewhere someone might be able to help me.
I'm 18 and have been with my boyfriend for coming 3 years next Feb. recently I have been thinking of ending the relationship. actually at this point of time we are in break up mode. Nothing has been said but we dun act like a couple anymore.
My problem, if you can call it that, is that I expect alot from this relationship. I am pathetically romantic at heart. The kind who wants surprise gifts from her boyfriend, flowers for nothing. U get the point.
He honestly tries but sometimes he gets sick of trying and blows up at me. Telling me to go look for another guy which upsets me coz I feel that if he really loves me shouldnt he try to make a go of things?
Looking at what I have written I see how selfish I might come across but is that wrong? To give up my relationship to seek for something I really want? I honestly cannot tell if I love him anymore. I care about him but I really dunno if the love still exists.
We are very different people. too different in fact. BTW, he is my first boyfriend
Also, our relationship tires me out. Too many quarrells. I feel that I care too much about the problems in the relationship and he doesn't give a damn. I end up putting so much in and getting nothing out of it.
I guess I just want to know if it is wrong to be selfish. To want the best for myself even if it means throwing away everything we had and possibly hurting him.
Thanx for even reading this.
[This message has been edited by Lin (edited 12-07-2000).]
The first thing you need to do is cut yourself a very big break, honey.
I don't think we're talking about selfishness here, but about incompatibility. You're a romantic, and you want to be with a romantic. Guess what? That's okay.
Frankly, in the long run, it's very difficult for someone to "act" that way who isn't inclined to simply "be" that way, and someone who tries to cater to that intentionally and with a lot of effort isn't going to be very happy when it all comes down to it, so in my mind, it isn't just you you're thinking about here, but your partner as well.
It sounds like at this point, suggesting a break, or even a permanent split isn't a bad idea. You're not happy, and he probably isn't very happy either. Letting it slide on cruise control isn't going to make either of you feel good.
I'd say it's high time for a talk, and tell him how you're feeling, prefereably without painting it as things he isn't doing or being, and more to the point -- that what you want and what he wants are simply very different things, and you'd like for both of you to be able to find them.
You've been together a long time, and a change in the relationship doesn't mean the end of it. Offer your friendship when and if he wants it, and give yourself time to adjust as well.
I second Miz S on this one. I think the comment that struck home for me in your note was, "Also, our relationship tires me out." No relationship is a smooth ride all the time, and there will always be periods that require more work than others. However, if a relationship is literally making you tired, then it sounds like it's not a fair give-and-take of love and energy.
You're worried about hurting him, and that shows that you really do care and are considerate. However, in the long run you might be doing him a favor in freeing him up to find somebody more compatible.
One of the wisest things somebody ever said to me was: You have to give to yourself first. That's not being selfish, it's being practical, because if you're all drained from giving then you have nothing left to give. So take care of yourself when you need to, and then you'll have the energy to take care of other people, too.
I want to say alot but somehow the only thing I can say is Thank You. Actually, I have been tired for a very long time but I always assumed that my love for him could overcome any problems we had.
I have tried talking to him. For so long but nothing ever seems to go in and that is what makes me tired as well. But now I guess I feel guilty for not being tired anymore. I feel like I have given up when I should keep trying because I love him.
You have shown me a different perspective. Thanks alot.
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