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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » At a loss.

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Author Topic: At a loss.
batgirl21
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About 10 months ago my girlfriend had an drug interaction with alcohol that rendered her extremely intoxicated. While she was in that state, she tried to have sex with me, and was pretty physically aggressive and forceful. I had to push her away several times and had to run out of the house to get away from her. Afterwards, I didn't have any major injuries, but I did have some bruises and scratches. She doesn't remember anything from that night. I know that she wouldn't have done that if she was sober, but I am also scared by what happened and I think I have a right to say that, even thought I don't think she is an abusive person, what happened was an act of physical abuse. When the night comes up in fights or in conversation, she says that it wasn't her fault because she was in an altered state and that she can't date me unless I get over what happened and stop defining it as physical abuse. She also gets mad that I would say that she was aggressive during that night because she says that "I don't understand what it's like to be abused for my whole life" and that talking about what happened makes her feel suicidal.

I seriously don't know what to do because I do love her, and I want to stay with her. However, the truth is that I'm not over what happened, especially because she abuses xanax and other sedative drugs so I see her in a drugged out state on a semi regular basis, which makes me scared that another drug interaction may happen and I may have to deal with something like this again.

So I guess my question is, am I crazy for seeing what happened as abuse (even thought she doesn't remember and says it's not her fault)? Am I even crazier for wanting to stay with her? I am trying to move on from what happened, but it sucks feeling like I can't talk about it or be honest about how I feel.

Thanks for reading!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I also agree that it's sound to classify someone who was trying to sexually or physically assault you, or did, as abuse.

You know, more than anything, this leaps out at me:
quote:
talking about what happened makes her feel suicidal.
I'd say that pretty much the minute someone says something like this, they are often telling us they're just not in the right headspace to BE in an intimate relationship right now. Obviously, I can't know how these talks have gone, what you're still seeking to resolve or how, but what I do know is that someone earnestly suicidal needs help with THAT, and needs to take a time out from intimate relationships until they get that help, IME.

Same goes for someone abusing drugs: if she has addiction issues, she needs to be getting help with those.

And if she is not earnest per saying she feels suicidal, that's it's own issue about an unhealthy interaction. Threatening suicide to get someone to stop talking about something like this is obviously problematic.

What do you think about that? And what do you think about staying with someone right now who is apparently suicidal in some respect and, from the sounds of things, has an addiction issue they are also not dealing with? Do you feel like being in this relationship right now is good for you or is helping her (or may be enabling)?

Also, what are you looking to resolve with her at this point per continued conversations about this? By all means, if this came out of a bad drug interaction, I agree, this is a different conversation per intentionality and control than we'd be talking about with someone being abusive otherwise.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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