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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Rape by Father; How to Cope With This?

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Author Topic: Rape by Father; How to Cope With This?
Raiha Qyaza
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Member # 108475

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I'm 13 years old and I've been through two minor sexual abuses by me father and brother. It happened when I was around 9 or 10. One of them would usually come late at night to my room and start groping when they thought I was asleep, and frankly even when I was wide awake, I don't have the courage to move, so usually I would just let them and fake my sleep. My brother has stopped years ago, after I told my mother, and our relationship is now healing, but I couldn't seem to stop my father or tell him off to my mother.

In social's eyes, by father is a pious (We are a Muslim family) person and nobody would expect him to do so. Until today he would keep continue touching or groping me when it was just the two of us and usually I would let him do so because I was too much of a coward to tell him to stop.

The reason I never told my Mother about this was because I fear she wouldn't believe me, because just like everyone, she believes her husband is a religious person. I also fear if I told her, it might lead to a divorce, although this might be over-thinking. I never mentioned the topic to my father and when it was just me and him, we both would pretend nothing ever happened. Now his presence would not only make me feel uncomfortable, but also make me feel unsafe, even at my own home. I've been keeping my distance to him ever since.

As a daughter who always adored him, this situation has left me a great deal of heartache and I also have trust issues after. It made me think how much I was actually worth to him. It also made me think whether I was ever loved. This betrayal had definitely destroyed my relationship with him. Sometimes I even have the horrifying thoughts of hoping he would just disappear, as wrong as it is, I have this rage and the thought of him dead was almost appealing sometimes :'(

I'm asking a great deal of help onto how to cope with this situation. I would appreciate all the help I can get, thank you very much for reading this [Smile]

Posts: 6 | From: Indonesia | Registered: Sep 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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hello Raiha and welcome to Scarleteen,

I am so sorry you had to experience this. All of the feelings you described are understandable, and they're not wrong. What your father did was wrong, and you feeling unsafe around him and hating him for that is a reaction I would expect to hear.

is your father still sexually abusing you?

It sounds like your mother believed you when you told her that your brother was sexually abusing you. Can you tell me a little more about why you think she wouldn't believe you about your father when she did believe you about your brother?

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Robin

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Jacob at Scarleteen
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 66249

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Hi Raiha,

Welcome to Scarleteen. I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through, and want to say well done for finding the strength to come here and speak about it.

Just a note before I say anything more, I wondered if you have used your full name as a display name on the boards? We actually recommend that you use a pseudonym, or at least stick to your first name as it is much safer that way.

Anyway, I feel that it is completely understandable that you feel angry or wanting your dad to disappear... and you're allowed to have those thoughts... Given how he has treated you, I don't think it's something you should feel sorry for. You seem to have very little output or ways to express your emotions and make a change in this situation, feelings which are themselves scary are completely understandable.

My main question is if there is anything you have considered already that might be helpful, someone outside the family who you can trust and who you could ask to assist you? Do you feel like the police would be supportive of you? I understand that particularly asking the police for help can be scary, so it's also worth me asking... is there anything you feel like you would need in order to make steps which feel difficult or impossible for you at this moment?

If there is a safer place for you to go it sounds like it would be really great to get away from your father. Like you say the possibility of a positive relationship with him is pretty much over. Of course if you felt able to make a move like that, it may result in conflicts within your family, but those are repercussions of your fathers actions. The conflict is already happening but quite unfairly you've been put in a position to handle all that conflict, all the pain and all the stress internally. This is completely unfair and is an extension of the abuse you have been subject to.

If something were possible to improve your life right now, but if it was hurtful to someone like your mother and could lead to a divorce happening, again it'd only be a fraction of upset compared what you're feeling... but more than that, it is pain that all of you, but especially you could heal from. A divorce too is a choice that your parents would make based on the truth that could come to light. It is a choice they have a degree of freedom to make... and freedom is something which you have had in short supply.

I don't know if a solution like that is available to you, but if it's there it is definitely worth considering even if they have side effects. I can start looking for indonesian resources if you like?

It may be that you can actually look for a solution with your mother, and if a more complete solution isn't possible, she may at least be able to help you make your life more manageable... as Robin says, she did support you with regards to your brother. Any more input you can give us as to how we can help is welcome.

Maybe too another volunteer or staffer will be able to offer some resources too.

[ 09-15-2013, 09:59 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

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Raiha Qyaza
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Member # 108475

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@Robin: Thank you for replying to my post, and thank you also for understanding. I'm glad to hear my thoughts aren't wrong. To your question, let's just say that he won't touch or grope as long as I could get away or avoid him at home. I also try not to stay in the same room with him for long.

Yes, my Mother did help with my brother's case, but even she doubted me at first. Like I said, my father is a religious person in front of public. When my mother and I were discussing about my brother, she told me confidently that although many father would sexually abuse their daughter, she was so certain by the fact that my father won't try to do anything to me. I didn't have the heart to tell her the truth.

@Jacob: Thank you for your concern and reply. This isn't my real name, if that's what you're worried about.

I thought about reporting to the police, but in this country, the police are really messed up and I don't trust them to do their job well, although what can I say? I'm just an 13 year old girl. I had considered on asking my family's close friend for help, but I'm not sure how I could tell the whole situation without them thinking I'm a liar. I also don't want this situation to take effect on my education either. I certainly would try to do something. But people knows him a lot more than they know me. My mother loves my father, I doubt she'd believe me. I'm just too scared to tell her the truth, I guess. But I see your point, it might be not possible for me to handle this situation without not hurting anyone, is it?

Thank you for the suggestions, I appreciate it a lot.

--------------------
I'm a survivor

Posts: 6 | From: Indonesia | Registered: Sep 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Raiha, one of the things that I find to be the most unfair, the toughest, in a situation with hidden abuse in families or other relationships is that it leaves the survivor feeling like it's on them to somehow do everything right. To try and take care of themselves and heal themselves without infringing on anyone else, or having the hurt they're feeling land, for lack of a better term, on anyone else.

The thing is, that's not on you. It was your father here who chose to do something that caused hurt, and any residual hurt or harm done to the rest of the family because of it? That's about hurt HE has caused, not you.

By all means, I understand both being worried about being believed, and I also empathize with wanting to protect your mother. In addition, that's a very loving thing to do. But I don't think it's not also loving to be honest and tell. I really don't. Again, it's not on you that the reality of your father in this regard isn't the reality your mother wants or hopes it to be.

I'd also pitch in that it's really a parents job to protect their children, not the other way around. In some situations, there won't be a choice like that anyone has to make, but obviously, in this case, there is.

I think who you tell or don't, or who you tell now, is something to center around what YOU need: you're the one who will be hurt most here no matter what, you're the one in need of the most help and care.

So, what do YOU think would be best for YOU right now? What way do you think would help you most in healing and getting safe? And get you the most support?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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eryn_smiles
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Dear Raiha,
I am so sorry this happened to you. I think you are very brave to come to Scarleteen and talk about this. Please know that everyone here believes you.

I have a couple of contacts with women's organizations in your country that I could share with you. My friend recommended that you try contacting Mitra Perempuan:
http://perempuan.or.id/program/konseling-hotline/
They offer a phone crisis support line and free face-to-face counselling for women and children going through domestic violence. It is confidential, meaning that what you talk about will not be shared with your family, school or police. If needed, they also provide temporary accommodation.

Also are you comfortable to share which part of Indonesia or which city you are in?

[ 09-17-2013, 04:50 AM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Raiha Qyaza
Neophyte
Member # 108475

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quote:
Originally posted by eryn_smiles:
Dear Raiha,
I am so sorry this happened to you. I think you are very brave to come to Scarleteen and talk about this. Please know that everyone here believes you.

I have a couple of contacts with women's organizations in your country that I could share with you. My friend recommended that you try contacting Mitra Perempuan:
http://perempuan.or.id/program/konseling-hotline/
They offer a phone crisis support line and free face-to-face counselling for women and children going through domestic violence. It is confidential, meaning that what you talk about will not be shared with your family, school or police. If needed, they also provide temporary accommodation.

Also are you comfortable to share which part of Indonesia or which city you are in?

Thank you for the suggestion and for the link, I will look for it later. I live in Cibubur in Indonesia. Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it.

--------------------
I'm a survivor

Posts: 6 | From: Indonesia | Registered: Sep 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Raiha Qyaza
Neophyte
Member # 108475

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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
Raiha, one of the things that I find to be the most unfair, the toughest, in a situation with hidden abuse in families or other relationships is that it leaves the survivor feeling like it's on them to somehow do everything right. To try and take care of themselves and heal themselves without infringing on anyone else, or having the hurt they're feeling land, for lack of a better term, on anyone else.

The thing is, that's not on you. It was your father here who chose to do something that caused hurt, and any residual hurt or harm done to the rest of the family because of it? That's about hurt HE has caused, not you.

By all means, I understand both being worried about being believed, and I also empathize with wanting to protect your mother. In addition, that's a very loving thing to do. But I don't think it's not also loving to be honest and tell. I really don't. Again, it's not on you that the reality of your father in this regard isn't the reality your mother wants or hopes it to be.

I'd also pitch in that it's really a parents job to protect their children, not the other way around. In some situations, there won't be a choice like that anyone has to make, but obviously, in this case, there is.

I think who you tell or don't, or who you tell now, is something to center around what YOU need: you're the one who will be hurt most here no matter what, you're the one in need of the most help and care.

So, what do YOU think would be best for YOU right now? What way do you think would help you most in healing and getting safe? And get you the most support?

Thank you for your support and advice, I will think about this throughly before I decide to tell my Mum. Do you think it'll be a wise choice to ask someone to talk about it to my mother instead of talking to her in person? You know, from one adult to another. It might convince her more. Do you think it will hummiliate my parents or my family?

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I'm a survivor

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi Raiha,

I agree with Heather that whatever you decide to do needs to be based on what you need right now. So, would it feel better for you to have someone else talk to your parents?

It's understandable that you're concerned about how your parents would react. You know them best. Do you think they'd react more helpfully if another adult talked to them or if you talked to them?

Do you have an adult you feel like you can talk too?

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Robin

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Raiha Qyaza
Neophyte
Member # 108475

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quote:
Originally posted by Robin Lee:
Hi Raiha,

I agree with Heather that whatever you decide to do needs to be based on what you need right now. So, would it feel better for you to have someone else talk to your parents?

It's understandable that you're concerned about how your parents would react. You know them best. Do you think they'd react more helpfully if another adult talked to them or if you talked to them?

Do you have an adult you feel like you can talk too?

Yes, there's an adult I can talk to about it. She's my best friend's Mother. My best friend knows about this situation, so I think it will be a lot better than just talking to some random people. Thank you, Robin, I will try my best to fix this. When do you think will be the perfect time to tell her? Do I have to wait for something, or...?

--------------------
I'm a survivor

Posts: 6 | From: Indonesia | Registered: Sep 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Raiha Qyaza
Neophyte
Member # 108475

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quote:
Originally posted by Robin Lee:
Hi Raiha,

I agree with Heather that whatever you decide to do needs to be based on what you need right now. So, would it feel better for you to have someone else talk to your parents?

It's understandable that you're concerned about how your parents would react. You know them best. Do you think they'd react more helpfully if another adult talked to them or if you talked to them?

Do you have an adult you feel like you can talk too?

Yes, there's an adult I can talk to about it. She's my best friend's Mother. My best friend knows about this situation, so I think it will be a lot better than just talking to some random people. Thank you, Robin, I will try my best to fix this. When do you think will be the perfect time to tell her? Do I have to wait for something, or...?

--------------------
I'm a survivor

Posts: 6 | From: Indonesia | Registered: Sep 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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