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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Hallucinations of BLOOD after an abusive relationship!?

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Author Topic: Hallucinations of BLOOD after an abusive relationship!?
Melli*
Neophyte
Member # 101331

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I feel crazy, even after 16 months.

Those hallucinations have been gone for a while, but feelings of hurt/anger/irritation are still there as though what I went through happened only yesterday.

I'm in a new relationship, and I have difficult expressing myself. I hate feeling this way. I feel hate towards my ex for everything. Is this normal?

Posts: 30 | From: Halifax | Registered: Dec 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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Hi Melli,

I'm not really sure that there's any such thing as normal. [Smile]

What it sounds like though is that the feelings and thoughts you're having are really disruptive to your life. Does that sound about right?

Have you seen a counselor or talked with a healthcare provider about these intense feelings you're having?

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Robin

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Melli*
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Member # 101331

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I never seeked professional help. I continue to refuse it.

I associate blood with death. My ex manipulated me so badly with their self-harm, that I can no longer express myself in person; I cry when I even think about what happened. I always had to wrestle razor blades away from her flesh when I said something out of line - something she didn't want to hear and this is interfering with my newest relationship. I tried so hard to keep her safe that - by the time I clued in - my mental health deteriorated to the point I couldn't function as a human being anymore (I couldn't eat, developed insomnia, had vivid nightmares, became emotionally numb, avoided anything that had to do with her.. )

I won't show my emotions in public, as I said before. I wait until I'm alone - then let everything out.

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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Are you still experiencing these hallucinations?

Have you noticed an improvement in your mental health or are you still experiencing any of the difficulties you mention here?

From your wording here, it sounds like people have talked with you before about professional help.

Can you fill me in on what is making you refuse help?

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Robin

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Melli*
Neophyte
Member # 101331

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I am not experiencing the hallucinations. However, I am still have trouble with the things I mentioned (ex: emotional numbness toward others, repressing of what happened).

I refuse professional help because I feel like a horrible person when I think about what I was put through. I blame myself, constantly and as many times as I try to say 'I'll be okay soon' - the feeling of hurt is still very much there. I don't want anybody else to feel what I do, and I don't want to put these feelings onto somebody else. I refuse it more-so because I want to forget - I don't want to be reminded but I'm always pulled back (you know: two steps forward, one step backwards).

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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How is getting through this without help working for you?

I do need to be clear that, as we explain in this link, providing help specifically with mental health issues is not something we're able to do here.

http://www.scarleteen.com/need_help_now_a_guide_to_scarleteens_direct_services

We can certainly talk about ways that you can get help and support yourself in general. Professional help is useful for many people, but it's certainly not what everyone does, which is why I asked above how going this alone is working for you.

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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