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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » My life is falling apart

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Author Topic: My life is falling apart
Kathryn2425
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I cannot think of a single time in my life when I have been genuinely happy. Ever. Even when I was about 5 or 6 years old I suffered from anxiety and when I got into 4th grade I suffered from depression and now that I'm in high school, life has been completely unbearable. Last year I tried to take my life at least 4 times. This year of high school was all downhill but I fell apart and gave up on life when I was sexually abused by my ex boyfriend. My mom left us home alone for about 10 minutes and he took off my clothes and tried to give me oral and fingered me so much it hurt. I was in so much shock I couldn't say anything and he was just too strong. He also abused me at school and fingered me without permission in the hallway and also followed me to the bathroom one time and pushed me against the wall and forcefully made out with me. After that experience, I never really wanted people touch me or never really felt attracted to anyone in a way that would be more than a kiss. I got another boyfriend a few months later and he was really frustrated with me because I never wanted to do anything more than a little kissing and I told him why and seemed to understand until one day he came to my house and shamed me into giving him a hand job and saying that he didn't think that I loved him because I didn't want to get physical. After that happened he said he wouldn't break up with me but cheated on me with another girl I found out a few days later. After that all happened I was contemplating suicide thousands of times so my parents took me to psychiatrist to get my antidepressant dosage increased and I had tongonto therapy more frequently. I honestly feel so used and useless. What made me feel worse was that last week my parents and I got into a fight because my mom always asks about the time I was abused and I never want to explain anything and then she starts justifying it and saying that it was nothing and I just need to get over it. Then it led into sorting worse to where my dad told me that no one will ever want to marry someone as weird and unstable as me and my mom said that Im just an attention whore and I have no reason to be unhappy. They said that I was mentally unstable and crazy. This hurt so much and I have no confidence left in me at all anymore because it seems that my parents don't even love me. I'm still going to therapy and the psychiatrist but my mom always complains about how expensive and useless it is and I just feel like such a burden on my family. I honestly can't even see a light at the end of the tunnel of my life anymore and I don't even know what to do with myself. I feel like no one in the world loves me, including myself. Please help give me advice with how to feel like life can get better or help with coping with verbal and sexual abuse if you can, it would be greatly appreciated.
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Robin Lee
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Hi Kathryn,

I'm so sorry to hear you've been through all of this and I'm so very sorry that your parents are calling you names and not being supportive.

I first want to check in about whether you've talked with your therapist about how hopeless you're feeling. Have you also told them about the sexual assault? Do you spend time in therapy talking about the assault?

has your therapist given you any resources for people who've experienced sexual assault or abuse?

I know these are a lot of questions, but knowing these things will help us know what help you're needing right now.

--------------------
Robin

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Kathryn2425
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Yes we've talked about it lots of times but she has never actually given me resources or things to do to make me feel better. Do you have any resources I could use?
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Heather
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Have you asked, by any chance for a referral to your local rape crisis or victims services center from your therapist?

Counseling and support for survivors is often free via centers like those, and they are available in many areas worldwide.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kathryn2425
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No I never actually knew that there was such a thing. The only hesitation I have with somethIng like that is that my dad doesn't know about the assault and I don't want him to and going to this place would make him realize what's going on. I also thought that that's what therapy is for.
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Heather
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It really depends: not all therapists are qualified to help with, or educated about, sexual abuse and assault specifically. If your therapist isn't offering you any kind of help or counseling around this -- or even any other resources! -- sounds like we can be pretty sure they don't have any of that education or experience.

There are ways, likely, to get to this kind of counseling privately, but maybe what we should do is help you look first to see what's available for you locally, so you can start by just taking a look and seeing if there are local resources for this kind of counseling?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kathryn2425
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Okay so how would I find one in my area?
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Heather
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If you'd like to look yourself, you could start with our find-a-doc database 9there's a link on the top bar menu on this page), or going into a search engine, putting in your zip code, and using search terms with that zip code like "rape crisis" or "sexual abuse counseling."

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kathryn2425
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The only doubt I have is that my mom probably wont let me go. What could I say to her to let me get help at a crisis center?
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Heather
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It's not up to your parents to let you go or not: you don't need their permission.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kathryn2425
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But I can't drive by myself and I would need someone to take me and they're already mad that they have to take me to therapy [Frown]
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Heather
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Let's pull this back a little bit: did you find someplace you'd like to look into or find out more about, to start?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kathryn2425
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Yes and it's about half an hour away from my house
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Heather
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Okay. Where you live, is there any public transportation, like a bus or train? Or, are you able to ride a bike, or walk?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kathryn2425
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I'm not sure where the public transportation is but my parents won't let me go on it because the city I live in is not very safe. They also don't let me leave the house unless I use my bike, but the location of this center is too far away to bike to. I think the only option I may have is to maybe go with a friend.
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Heather
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Okay, so that's one option. [Smile]

You could also call them, and find out if they offer anything like rideshares for those using their services.

Another option may be to talk to your therapist about this kind of counseling/center, and have your therapist make a direct referral for you, and perhaps tell your mother why they feel you should go.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kathryn2425
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Okay I'm going to my therapist today and I will ask her. I'm just worried because my mon thinks that this assault was noting and I'm overreacting and I should just move on, but I can't. It still controls my life
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Heather
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Well, it's really not up to someone else to decide or say what gravity a trauma in someone else's life has or doesn't have for them. That's really only something you can know, and whatever impact and weight it has had for you is something others should respect and try to understand, not argue away.

If your mother is talking this way about it, though, that might be something else to talk to the therapist about: you could certainly ask them for help by having a talk themselves with your mother about the right ways to help victims of abuse, which very much includes not saying the kinds of things it sounds like she has been.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kathryn2425
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Yeah I know I've discussed this matter with my therapist and I feel like she listens but never gives me the coping methods I need to get through things. What makes it worse is that my parents don't really care that much about how I feel and they make me feel bad and feel like a burden by telling me how expensive therapy is and how I have so many problems that are unnecessary. I feel like no one understands at all and I feel worse everyday of my life.
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Heather
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I certainly understand how you're feeling: it sounds like you have every reason to feel that way.

It also sounds like maybe this particular therapist isn't a good fit for you? In other words, I hear you saying you don't feel like they're giving you the kind of help you need. Does that sound right?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kathryn2425
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I really love my therapist though and she helps a lot with my anxiety but I feel that our sessions are too short to really get into things. She also tends to do a lot more listening than anything and then just tells me to not give up hope, but info give up hope. I really dont know if I would need a new therpaist or not but I really like the one I have but I feel that she doesn't go over every problem I have an try to help solving it.
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Heather
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Have you talked to her about all of this, and said these things to her? If not, I'd say that sounds like a good next step.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kathryn2425
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I think I will probably do that today
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Heather
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Sounds like a good plan for a start!

Do you have access to a library, Kathryn? I ask because we could certainly suggest some books around healing from abuse and assault that might help you out in the meantime.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kathryn2425
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Yes I go to the library a lot actually. The only thing is that the abuse is just a part I all of the sadness I am feeling and I'm not really sure what exactly to look for with books on what I'm dealing with.
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Heather
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Sometimes just starting with one part is all we can do.

That said, if you want a great book about depression, I think "The Noonday Demon" is amazing.

Per books that could help you around the assault and healing, you might look for:
• The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, by Wendy Maltz
• How Long Does It Hurt: A Guide to Recovering from Incest and Sexual Abuse for Teenagers, Their Friends, and Their Families by Cynthia L. Mather
• The Rape Recovery Handbook: Step-by-Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault by Aphrodite T. Matsakis

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kathryn2425
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Thanks for the book suggestions, I will definitely check those out!
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Heather
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How'd it go yesterday, Kathryn?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kathryn2425
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Hi again, I just really need someone to talk to and I don't know if this is the appropriate place to ask but its basically all I have left. I've been going to therapy, group therapy, and te psychiatrist about 4 times a week altogether and nothing is helping me at all. I've honestly never felt so suicidal in my life but I've been feeling this way since I was 6. I recently found out that I'm also delusional and my therapist wants to send my to the local psych ward and I really don't want to go. Another thing that's made things worse is that school is starting back up and that's probably my most hated place I the world. I told my parents about my suicidal feelings and all they want to do is drug me up and they are angry at me because teu think that choosing to be depressed even though that's not the case. There's something obviously wrong with me. I don't enjoy anything and every minute of the day is miserable and I don't know where to go from here. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without hating everything about me. I just wanted to ask you what it is that got you through high school and if there really is hope because I really don't feel like there is hope I the future at all. Help would be greatly appreciated. A user response would also be helpful too.
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Robin Lee
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Hi Kathryn,

I hear how really really scary this is for you.

Feeling suicidal and being depressed are things we really, really aren't able to help you with here, so we're not going to be able to talk about that part of it.

I will say though that I'm sorry your parents are angry with you, and I really encourage you to get some help with that from your therapist. Your therapist can help you figure out how to talk with your parents, or even arrange for you and she to talk with them together, to help them understand more of what you're feeling here and give them some education on depression.

If you'd like to hear people's experiences with what got them through high school, I'd suggest making a new topic on the boards to ask exactly that. That way, people will see your question and can respond about that specifically. Our "body and soul" section would be a great spot for a question like that.

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Robin

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