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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » The right way to tell

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Author Topic: The right way to tell
just_nobody_90
Activist
Member # 107608

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Hi!

I have been trying really hard to build the trust I need with my therapist. I think its getting better.

But now, Im having problems with what or how much should I say. Sometimes I think of things but I cant say them because it sounds so bad in my head that I dont know if I should say it out loud.

How do you know what is really important to say, and what is meaningless? Because sometimes Im bothered by something so little and I dont understand why it matters.

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AshGolden
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Hey you!

It's a bit embarrassing to try to give advice after admitting I'm not any stronger nor less lost than you, but for this I could share a thought, if you don't mind?

First, you know that your therapist is devoting this moment for you and you only, so it's always fine if you say what's in your head, even when you're not sure how meaningful or valuable it is. That's quite a relief actually that therapists are not here to judge about whether what bothers us matters enough to be said!
Second, I think everything is worth being said out loud. I remember a quote saying that we don't say things to convince others, but sometimes also for the sake of defending those who already know these things. For me, it rings a bell about therapy, because just repeating how wrong something is, or how hard you want to be respected, can reinforce your faith in yourself and your beliefs.
When it's not about feelings, but about facts, or events, even past ones, sharing them with someone can both at once increase your trust with this person, and help you understand why they matter. It's not about clinging to them, like some says, pretending that the less we talk about what happened, the less we're tied by it. I think it's wrong, and speaking out can free you, even from a little something that keeps on bugging in your mind.

Finally, maybe your question is also what can, or can not, hear a therapist. For me, it was the last barrier because my therapist is maybe even younger than me, and sometimes I worry I might scare or hurt her. But then I remember what we were said here: people working to help people care a lot, and they're also adults, able to protect themselves. That's also how they'll help us to protect ourselves, and their example of listening without belittling what is said, nor crumbling down under the heaviness of it, can be really empowering.

I wish you the best and I'm glad for you that you feel like it's getting better [Smile]

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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Hi just_nobody_90,

This really is a conversation that you can have with your therapist. It's super-important for her to know what uncertainties are going on in your mind, as well as talking about the "important" stuff. I put that in quotes because really, everything is connected.

I can't even really give you an example of something that you'd tell her that might not be important, and she can always let you know if she thinks something isn't worth talking about--which, for the record, I very much doubt she would do.
What are you afraid of in not sharing the things with her that you think are small, insignificant, and so on?


How about, at your next appointment, telling her that you often weigh in your mind what is important to tell her and that you really could use some guidance or reassurance from her on that?

--------------------
Robin

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just_nobody_90
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Thanks Robin. I will think about it the next time I see my therapist. I guess what I am trying to do is focus in what really matters just to not fall in circles with what doesnt. But its tricky.
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just_nobody_90
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Hi AShGolden, of course I dont mind (Besides I got the feeling is only you the one who thinks you are not strong)

I hear everything you said and want to think you are right, but sometimes things get so messy inside my head that is really complicated to screen my thoughts. But yes, maybe its true and like Robin said, everything is connected.

Hope you are feeling better.

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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Yes, I know it can feel tricky to know what to talk about and what not to, especially when you have a limited time frame to work with.

Chances are very good that your therapist has had this discussion with other clients, and chances are even better that when she was learning to be a therapist, this was one of the things that was discussed. So, you bringing this up isn't distracting from your therapy process, but part of it, as you talk with her to find out what is okay, what you both can be doing to make sure your therapy is as useful to you as possible.

--------------------
Robin

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